If Porn Were Actually Erotic More Women Would Enjoy It

My thoughts on how to put the sexy in sexual content

I’ve written a couple of stories about porn that make it seem like I’m perhaps against it, but what I’m actually against is not the idea of porn but the execution of it (as well as the current reality of porn actresses lives, but that’s another topic for another day). What I’d really like to see is better quality porn that is actually sexy. In fact, I used to joke that in my retirement I would become a porn producer and make higher quality stuff because it really wouldn’t take much. Instead, I write erotica and articles that critique porn, like this one, although I’m not yet retired, so I guess there is still time.

In Why I Hate Most Porn I talked about the lack of sexual tension and the glorification of the magic donkey dick as two of the reasons that I don’t find most porn the least bit enjoyable. It takes more than a freakishly big penis that might even be a little bit weird looking on a not-that-appealing guy to turn me on. And as much as I personally enjoy a good pounding, I know that’s not what is bringing most women to orgasm, despite the unconvincing sounds made by the female performers.

In Why Don’t We Believe Porn Influences Culture, I wrote about the ways that lack of other sex-positive education means a lot of kids have grown up believing that things like facials and jamming your fingers in a woman’s mouth are what you are supposed to do in real life. Typical porn is created by men with other men in mind and it is highly focused on the visuals, rather than the larger context of the scene.

Not only is this not usually nuanced enough to be of true interest to most women but sometimes these movies contain things that many women find distasteful, such as spitting, choking, or other elements that have a misogynistic feel. That’s a huge turn-off for me, as I would hope it is for most people, and yet, many of those movies are the ones that get the most views.

Being constantly exposed to this as sexy can’t help but link in our minds, even if only subconsciously, the degradation of women with something that is arousing. Actual BDSM is about mutual respect and connection demonstrated through erotic intensity. The Submission of Emma Marx is a feature-length porn movie where the two main characters enter into a D/s relationship that illustrates the emotional complexity as well as the physical elements of control and submission. But most porn that depicts things that might be fine in a BDSM context are not taking place within the safe container of that world, but instead as a thinly veiled excuse to be abusive.

Typical porn doesn’t have much of a story or if it does, only nominally so, focusing instead on the sex acts and emphasizing close-ups of body parts and faces pretending to be in ecstasy. It’s not so much the need for deep character development or an extensive story as it is just something beyond showing a woman being enamored with the pizza delivery guy with the magic donkey dick. Also, porn that women are more likely to find truly arousing has a more empathetic component. Studies indicate that the potential feelings of the actors during various sexual activities matter to women.

For example, if a performer doesn’t appear to be experiencing actual sexual pleasure, it detracts from the arousal of many female viewers. When women felt that the sex was “unrealistic” or not “genuine,” they reported feeling less sexual enjoyment and pleasure themselves. This is one of the biggest issues for me in finding porn enjoyable. I can tell that the woman isn’t actually enjoying herself all that much and that means I’m not either.

The organizing principle of female sexuality is the wish to feel truly desired and this is another thing typically missing from most porn that is geared towards men. Triggered sexual response is a large component of women’s arousal and the creation and unfolding of the scene is what stirs the erotic fire, more than just visual cues alone. Vicariously being seduced or having a really passionate night with a lover or two has a very different feel than watching a woman pretend that she’s having a good time by making absurd noises of pleasure in a really unrealistic manner when there is no actual chemistry taking place.

Women are also highly visual, but porn for women that truly meets their needs has to have more than just close-ups of body parts and cum shots. Scene creation involving an exciting context is a large part of most women’s erotic fantasies and everyone’s brain is wired to find anticipation almost more enjoyable than actual attainment.

We actually release dopamine in the nucleus accumbens and get a sensation of pleasure by just thinking about having one of these experiences (having sex or eating food). Actually, just thinking about having a pleasurable experience is not quite enough to release a lot of dopamine. The large amount of dopamine is released when two things happen — we both think about the pleasurable experience and there is a realistic opportunity that we will be able to have the pleasurable experience — true anticipation.

This Is Why Your Really Need Foreplay: Your Brain Loves The Anticipation

Although healthy and natural, women’s sexuality is still often judged and controlled. Watching depictions of transactional sex for the pleasure and benefit of men compounds and perpetuates this disempowering dynamic. Having a way to explore her own sexuality through porn that is actually erotic could potentially help to counter this. When a woman doesn’t feel degraded by the content or put off because the sex is impersonal and transactional then she is free to more deeply connect with her own erotic impulses that are not just about pleasing a male partner.

And of course, this could extend to men of any sexuality and women who aren’t having sex with men as well. For that reason, so-called girl-on-girl porn is often more erotic than other offerings because there isn’t necessarily an imbalanced power dynamic outside of a D/s relationship and they are more likely to be actually giving each other real pleasure. Still, there’s a lot of room for improvement there as well.

Women’s arousal is often linked with their own erotic relationship with themselves and porn that appeals to women could potentially help them connect to and further develop that in a way that feels safe and inviting. But right now, for the most part, this is not what is most widely available. I know of many women who watch porn as is and enjoy it, but how much more might that be true — for everyone and not just women — if what was depicted in sexual content was actually sexy in a multidimensional way?

This doesn’t mean a love story necessarily, although the Emma Marx movies are very much a love story centered around a D/s relationship. To be erotic, sexual content simply needs to have actual eros in it, not just disembodied parts coming together in preparation for the inevitable cum shot. Seduction, foreplay, anticipation, passion, connection. Even in a fairly short clip, it wouldn’t be that difficult to incorporate those in.

There are a multitude of ways to depict sexy that are more than someone (woman or gay man) servicing a man or a guy seeming to be doing a woman a favor with his magic donkey dick, or people abusing their sex partner. I can think of several dozen scenarios just off the top of my head. I’m guessing that actual porn producers can too if they just want to be bothered. I’m not sure that they do, but although women watch porn, a lot more of them would if it were actually more erotic.

© Copyright, Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love.