MUSINGS
If I Hadn’t Thought Screw This AA Advice I Wouldn’t Be Here Writing About Addiction Now
It was a risk but I chose to do things my own way.
When I stopped drinking, I was like a newborn baby. I arrived vulnerable as f**k and blinking into this new world, wondering how I would survive. AA was incredibly helpful at this point. It provided an instant support network of people who had already stood in my shame-filled shoes, fearful of the future.
However, there was A LOT of advice and as helpful as it was, there were a couple of arguments that didn’t sit well with me.
#1 Keep quiet about your addiction status.
I was told to only tell people I knew well and trusted. And definitely to never dump it on people when I first met them. Apparently, knowing I was in recovery from addiction would scare people away. Subliminal meaning: your addiction is shameful.
I was even told that if I did tell people when I first met them, that I was unconsciously trying to push people away.
This always felt hypocritical to me. You’re told not to be ashamed of being an addict then simultaneously told to keep quiet about being an addict. Isn’t that just enabling people who hold an uneducated and discriminatory prejudice against addicts?
I learned to reframe why I do tell people about my addiction status: I want to know if people will really like me for who I am. I want to find out if they are small-minded pricks so I don’t waste my time.
#2 If your family is still talking to you, bend over backwards to accommodate them.
My mum refuses to acknowledge my addiction status and decided that she wanted it to be a secret. She still refers to my 3-month rehab stint as a yoga and meditation retreat. This initially upset me because I was incredibly proud of the work I had done and also knew that no one would really be that surprised. But I was told in AA to respect her desire to keep my addiction a secret amongst family and family friends. As much as I love my mum and respect her, this felt wrong to me.
There’s this idea sown into the fabric of AA that you owe your loved ones everything if they are still speaking to you, the terrible addict.
AA was designed in the 1920s employing the principles of Christianity. With this knowledge, it makes sense that as part of the program addicts write up their wrongs and repent. However, in doing so, AA perpetuates the myth that addicts are immoral people that need to make good their wrongs and accept they are flawed.
A hundred years on, it’s now understood that addiction is merely a by-product of traumatic or negative life experiences, often from childhood. In active addiction, people often make poor decisions that in recovery they may want to admit and make good. However, by requiring those new to recovery to list all their wrongs and focus on how badly behaved they were to friends and family, AA encourages the addict to accept all blame for their addiction. Apart from being completely incorrect, this process encourages feelings of shame and disgust and can trigger relapse.
And what if it was your family that put you through those traumatic life experiences? Chances are it was. The majority of my rehab buddies were there because of their parents, not all but most.
So tell me: why should you be bending over backwards to accommodate them? I love my mum very much but I won’t lie to enable her inability to accept me for who I am.
#3 Don’t crack jokes about your addict past.
I can still remember the stern looks I got in AA when I made jokes about some of the crazy s**t I got up to. I felt like the naughty kid in school again.
I understand that not everyone wants to laugh about the really stupid drunken decisions they made. But the thing is, I can’t sit there all stony-faced and serious about it. It’s just not me. I was told that if I laugh about my past, it’s my addiction minimizing it. But I don't agree. It can be the addict in you, however, it equally might just be you, thinking I was such an idiot to lose my clothes and fall into a nettle bush in my bikini.
Everyone has a different way of dealing with negative s**t from their past. I either sit here miserable that I lost so many years to addiction, or accept that I’m lucky to be here and now I have some hilarious stories from those dumb mistakes.
Takeaway
The world of AA and recovery is full of advice and shoulds. Most of this comes from a caring place of wanting to save you from ending up another statistic of a life lost to addiction. However, not all advice you receive will be suitable and it can be difficult to know what will work for you. Ultimately the decisions you make will be unique to your journey. Your recovery is your own not anyone else’s.
The only part of recovery that I feel is vital for everyone is the ability to own your addiction and accept that it does not make you a terrible person. Not everyone is comfortable with publicly announcing their addiction. However, owning your addiction doesn't mean you need to publicly declare it, you just need to accept that part of you. Whether you choose to do this with humor or without is of course an individual decision.
Going public about my addict past was a personal decision that I have previously written about here. I also spent a long time thinking about writing on addiction before I actually did. I needed to make sure I was happy with this part of me being out there. Discrimination against addicts is everywhere and I knew that this would have an impact on my life.
Even with information readily available about the reasons for addiction, many people still think addicts are unreliable and damaged. Of course, this seems incredibly unfair but life is unfair. It’s unfair that there are addicts everywhere in positions of power and because their status is secret they don't experience negative repercussions. It’s even more unfair that many of those people don’t do anything to challenge the stigma of addiction.
It’s unfair that it’s accepted and almost expected for celebrities to be addicts. And not only do they still get work but they might be more popular than ever. But as soon as a normal person has a drug conviction they can’t even get a job in a carwash.
Just in owning my addiction status amongst friends, I noticed that many did not trust me to have their kids stay over with my daughter. It hurts a little, I’m not going to lie, but I can’t control their prejudice. If people choose to have negative preconceptions about me, it’s unfair, but what can I do?
That was when I realized there was a lot I could do. I started to write.
Doran Lamb is a freelance writer on addiction and mental health. She writes to challenge the stigma that exists as a result of mental health and through her writing wants the world to know that individual difference makes the world dynamic, sexy and beautiful. She is proudly an addict in recovery, a mother, and an opinionated woman, who has learned not to give a f**k what anyone thinks.
If you liked this, here are some other articles I have written about alcohol and drinking culture:
· Clean Drinking: Why Alcohol Advertising Directed at Millennials Is More Dangerous Than Ever