Satire

If Aristotle Were a Medium Writer

Please don’t read if you are too sensitive.

Image created by the author. Aristotle's image taken from Wikimedia Commons

Medium-algorithm is a puzzle, but listicles are the clues to solve it.

Aristotle was a young frustrated guy in Stagira, Greece. He was suffering from thoughts-disease as he had opinions about everything in life.

His mind never rested and always gave him this-and-that to produce unique thoughtful writings.

He had a Facebook account where he used to vomit his extraordinary ideas on a regular basis, but sadly nobody gave a damn. He posted a great piece about politics a few weeks ago but found no likes or comments.

So, to satisfy his ego, he liked his own post and consoled himself, saying — the world is a cruel place where nobody values actual talent.

No doubt, he was so desperate to let others know what he thinks about the world he lives in. Of course, he was a brilliant guy as his dear teacher Plato, in a blog post, praised highly of him.

Aristotle had an Instagram account too. But as he had no boobs or a sexy butt, he hardly got any attention. He used to post selfies without any pout or smile on his face.

Being an intellectual guy, he thought the pensive-face is the ultimate exhibitor of knowledge and profoundness. So while taking snaps, he used to pose as if he were suffering from constipation.

Anyway, being a young-dude in Greece, with no income and future, he was becoming stressed day by day.

Then one day, he found a YouTube channel that came with great help as it introduced him to Medium.

From that very moment, his life started turning in a new direction.

How Aristotle Became a Medium Writer

Aristotle was listening to a TED-talk on YouTube and thinking about increasing his income. But nothing was working — not even Jordan Peterson’s motivation seemed interesting.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, an idea came to his mind. He searched for ‘how to earn money by writing’ on YouTube.

He knew his dear teacher Plato as a successful writer with fame and money. Aristotle wanted the same. Moreover, he must share his ideas with others to feel relieved.

While searching, surprisingly, a video popped up on the screen with an unbelievable catchy title that said ‘I made $9,000 from one article on Medium’.

His mind was blown away by the title. As he was experiencing financial shock due to the country’s unstable economy, he decided to click the video.

After watching the video for 05 times — still, he couldn’t believe his eyes. So he went to the washroom to wash his eyes and then saw the same video again. He was then convinced that it is possible.

Being overjoyed with optimism, he searched for more about Medium.

He learned that Medium is a great platform to express any shits, anyone wants. He felt relieved that finally, he found what he wanted to get all the ideas out of his mind.

Without further delay, he opened an account and joined the Medium Partner Program to make a living out of it.

He was so excited to see how his ideas and thoughts would resonate with others. He thought, within a few weeks, he will get all the attention as he had tremendous confidence in his writing potentials.

The Reality Hit Him Hard

After opening the account, on the very first day, he published a thoughtful article titled ‘Nicomachean Ethics: My Take On Happiness And Living.’

He thought the post would be a super-duper-hit on Medium. But with astonishment, he observed that the reality is the polar opposite.

Nobody cared about his authenticity. The first day went without any reads or claps. On the second day, a new development occurred. He got 50claps from someone.

Being super excited, he immediately checked the stats but found no reads, only 50claps from a fake reader. He was extremely confused.

But Aristotle is not an ordinary guy, and he cannot give up like other writers on Medium. So, he hit again with another thought-provoking article titled ‘Politics: Man as a Political Animal’.

Oh, again, fate was cruel on him! Nothing happened in a week. No one read that 20-min-read article.

At this point, Aristotle became upset but determined to continue his Medium journey.

After hitting one month, with high hope, Aristotle clicked to see his earnings and he saw that only 0.2 cents there.

Aristotle couldn't believe his eyes. After writing 13 great articles, how could he earn so low? He felt tremendous anger and became more determined to be a great writer on Medium.

So, to have some guidance, he started reading the writings of the other successful people on this platform. Moreover, he started watching YouTube videos from different Medium-gurus to know how to make viral content.

The Eureka Moment

After devouring tons of YouTube videos about increasing views, reads, and creating incredible posts, Aristotle became excited and optimistic.

He spent a full week learning numerous techniques about how to increase his monthly-earnings. The videos of the Medium-gurus helped him a lot.

He finally figured out all the techniques needed to succeed in Medium. Moreover, he learned the craft of producing viral posts. Because without it, nobody gives a fuck about how thought-provoking articles you deliver.

After one week of extensive learning, finally, Aristotle realized that he was in the dark all those years when he was producing articles about rhetoric, politics, and all.

He understood that all the successful writers on Medium have some great writing techniques that no intellectuals or writers had in the past. And that is all that matters.

The book he was writing named Poetics, he left it half-done, thinking that it would be a terrible book, and nobody would be interested to read that high-thinking shit.

Moreover, people on Medium don’t like thoughtful content like that, and it generally does not have much reading time.

So, Aristotle started maintaining an Excel sheet for his new mind-blowing writing ideas and tips.

Aristotle’s Plan and Content Ideas

After adequate research and almost memorizing all the Medium-gurus’ articles, finally, Aristotle came to understand what works and what not on this platform.

Now he knows that most of the readers don’t want to think deeply, but they love easily-digestible articles. That’s why Aristotle thought writing listicles can be a great start.

Again, many writers and readers are obsessed with writing motivational and money-making articles like how I make $$$$ in one month or one year. Aristotle planned to write a few of those articles as well.

So, he cleared his mind and started building a one-week plan to see what happens.

Aristotle chose four popular topics and made the following content plan for the following week.

(Saturday-Sunday): Quotes

Life-changing quotes from Bill Kates
05 insights from Karen Puppet that altered my thinking

Aristotle decided to publish those articles on Side Cafe publication. It’s a great publication with a high rejection rate. But Aristotle became confident enough to go for it.

(Monday-Tuesday): Writings

What things a toilet tissue taught me about writing
How I learned story-telling from a ceiling-fan

Aristotle knew this type of writing-advice will be the best fit for publications like The Writing Corporative. Because he had seen many posts like these published there.

(Wednesday-Thursday): Love & Relationships

The 10 things I learned during sex
How I had sex without physical touch

Though Aristotle had no idea how a man learns things while having sex, or how to have sex without physical touch, he determined to write those posts anyhow. Because this type of post sells better.

He planned to publish those articles on P.S. I Fuss U publication.

(Friday): How I …

How I became an ultimate quote-sucker
How I sold my old underwear and became a millionaire

The first one is for The Absent, and the second one is for Better Bargaining. Last month, those two publications rejected Aristotle’s article titled ‘Ethics of Happiness and Philosophy’.

Moreover, thanks to YouTube videos and Medium-guru’s guidance, now Aristotle learned how to write a viral story with a click-bait title.

He became more confident about his success that now no one could stop him, not even Medium’s algorithms.

The Success Story of Aristotle

Within one week, a miracle happened. Three of the articles got curated, and two of them went viral.

The article — How I sold my old underwear and became a millionaire — featured on Better Bargaining for the next three weeks.

He was quite surprised because he hardly had any money while writing that post. He just followed other Better Bargaining writers’ techniques and made it up.

The same thing happened with The Writing Corporative article How I learned story-telling from a ceiling-fan. Without thinking anything, he just made it up following a self-proclaimed successful writer’s post.

Anyway, both the articles earned more than $3,000 each in the first month.

Other writers on Medium started admiring him for his extraordinary talent, saying how amazing he is and how unique his concepts are.

Some of them requested him to launch an online course so they could learn some secrets from him.

He Lives Happily Ever After

Now Aristotle is a happy man without any worry. Every day he publishes one or two articles.

Yesterday, he published a poem about eating a banana. It went viral, and within twenty-four hours, he got 67 comments. Today he will post a poem about his wine glasses.

He thinks this ten-line poem will also go viral. Because the poem is so simple and easy to understand. Any dumb-fuck will understand it without much effort.

And if he carefully develops the title with a number in it like — My 05 Highly Sensitive Wine Glasses — Medium may choose it for further distribution.

He is now living in London with comfort and joy.

He maintains a YouTube channel where he creates value for others. Moreover, he offers 05 different online courses on how to write viral articles on Medium.

Now Aristotle is a man with money, success, and fame.

Some Medium-Quotes From Aristotle, the-Medium-Writer

Writing listicles, in the disguise of creating value, is the ultimate secret to success on Medium
Fool your readers but don’t let them know it — you’ll be fine
You don’t have to be a millionaire to write 05 tips to become a millionaire
Medium-algorithm is a puzzle, but listicles are the clues to solve it
Giving 50 claps without reading — is a powerful way to become omnipresent on Medium.
Treat online readers as some distracted-dumb-ass to make the best out of them.

Post-Script (PS):

Now Aristotle regrets that he wasted too much time writing Poetics, Rhetoric, and Politics — because those shits didn’t bring much money and success to him.

Thank you for reading.

Author’s Note: This article is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and everything either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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