Satire | Humor
Einstein’s Theory of Online Writing Success: E=Mm2
Where, E=Earnings, M=Motivational constant, and m=marketing
Hi, guys! Remember me! Yeah, it’s Einstein here.
I know you give a lot of shit about my works. Oh, sorry not works — but you love to sell me in this place. Doing well, huh! Earning more money selling my name? Where is my share, man! Hahaha JK — Just Kidding!
You know, I have already read some of your shits — Inside the brain of Einstein, Writing lessons from the genius Einstein, Einstein’s three favorite toilet papers, Two ways to fuck like Einstein, blah… blah… blah…
You guys are real-crazy, I tell you! You always sell dead folks and money-making dudes.
Yeah, I know your dumb readers love those shits more than having orgasms. They don’t have fucking brains. So they devour each shit associated with me and other cool dudes like Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Warren Buffett, Jeff Bezos, and more.
Their addiction to shitty content forces you to produce more. I don’t blame you! What can you do without sucking my dick, cz I’m the one who figured out the relativity thing, right? Anyway, forget about that. Today I will teach you a cool theory with which you can pull every shit, I mean money, out of your mindless readers’ pockets.
So, guys! Let me teach you the “Theory of Online Writing Success.”
The Secret Theory: E=Mm2
It’s so simple. You don’t need to know any math to understand it. I figured it out by carefully observing so many successful dudes who made money by following the exact same theory. Now they are offering so-called value to their badass consumers (I mean readers).
Remember, two things are infinite: the universe and money; and I’m not sure about the universe.
So here you go. Work on the following theory and earn more money than Tolstoy, Shakespear, and Tagore combined.
The theory is this: E=Mm2
Where, E = Earnings from writing M = Motivational Constant m = marketing
Simply put, your earning equals motivation times marketing squared.
I know you guys didn’t get it yet. Don’t worry, I am going there. I am explaining it in more simple terms. But please, for god’s sake, use your brain, okay?
Convert Your Dumbass Readers Into Paying Morons With a Dose of Motivation
If you want to achieve online writing success, you must motivate and inspire people more than anything. No matter what rubbish you produce, if you give it a proper marketing shot with a dose of motivation, you will be successful in no time. Why?
Because your online dumbass readers have no clue what's good and what’s bad. They solely depend on lucrative marketing and they live to suck motivation from everything. They love to learn three things from a lion, four things from a tiger, five things from a gorilla. Motivation is their breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So, tell your story in an inspiring way. Engage them from the start.
Remember, no matter what you write, in the end, you will provoke them to eat one thing: your writing course. You will do that in disguise of your articles(I mean listicles), talks, FB lives, writing supports, etc.
Another thing — you must write your listicles in the following way to motivate your dumbass readers.
- Introduction: Tell your readers that you were a dumbass like them with no money and fame.
- Body: Write 5 or 10 ways how you became successful despite being a jerk and earned millions.
- Takeaways: Serve them takeaways and tell them they can earn the same as well.
Your sample titles should be like the followings —
➰10 things that highly successful people do regularly ➰15 highly highly effective ways to make money ➰ 20 highly highly highly important principles to be successful
Use the words such as highly, secret, outstanding, incredible more in your titles. It will motivate your readers to suck the article right away. Because they are eagerly waiting for quick vodka shots. They have no time to dig deep because their brains are made of cow-dung.
Remember, they are some greedy, money-thirsty morons. If you say they can earn money sucking their own dicks, they are ready to do that.
Money is all that matters to them. Just whatever you say, tag it with money, sex, dreams, or success. Your shits will be sold in no time.
Market Your Smelly Shits in a Lucrative Jar
No matter how bullshit your online writing course is — if you have a dynamic marketing channel, you will be safe. Make your readers feel that their life sucks. And show them that you are living the dream life.
To fuck your mindless readers successfully, follow these steps —
- Create one FB group and share your moneymaking screenshots to stir them. (Yeah, yeah — fake screenshots, of course. You got it right)
- Create another FB group and tell them that this is only for them who really really really really want success in life. Tell them no bullshit is allowed here. Then you start bullshitting in disguise of creating value.
- Fuck them with your best-performing listicles. Show them that these get millions of views. Show-off makes your readers’ knees weak. Do that religiously.
- Now post screenshots after screenshots of your readers who followed your advice and become successful(definitely, you need to fake it, who’s going to verify!!! hahaha).
- Pose on a sandy beach with your laptop and partner on the right side. Take photos and send those to your target people. Say to everyone that you are living your dream life and they can do the same. Tell them that it’s never late to start this journey.
- Do frequent live on Facebook and pretend how worried you are for others (fake it to make it).
- Tell them that you’ve already figured out the secret of creating viral articles. And you want to share it with others.
- Finally, offer your atom bomb, sorry, I mean, online writing course and squeeze every penny out of their fucking pockets. Oh, yeah, don’t forget to tell that it’s for only a limited number of ambitious people, not for some common pals.
I think you get the idea about how to market your shits and yourself. Open your eyes, guys. You will find successful dudes doing the same I mentioned here. It’s a tested theory. Boom!
Now fuck your greedy readers with their own dreams of making money. Tell them that you know how to make money online and you want them to succeed like yours. If a novice like you can earn $10,000 a month, so can they.
Sell the dream. Tell your readers that it doesn’t require that hard work. Convince them through cold calls, emails, FB lives, interviews, and your shitty money-making listicles to finally suck them your bullshit online writing course.
How about my theory, folks! Liked it, right?
I know you, guys. You want to earn quick money by producing shitty articles like how I fucked my girlfriend before she fucked me, or how I made $10,000 side hustle using these 3 tips. So, start giving fluffy motivations, marketing your shits like never before.
Good luck, fella! You’re on the right track.
I bless you!
Thank you for reading.
Author’s Note: This article is a work of fiction. Names, characters, advice, and everything either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
If you want to read more of my writings, you may check out the following articles.
