I Wrote 100 Stories Using Two Fingers and 80 Gallons of Coffee

You’re all invited to my Hundred Article Extravaganza, Fyre Festival style

I made it! 100 stories in and still kicking. It feels like a big deal. This calls for a party, and everyone is welcome. It’s gonna be huge.

Ever heard of the Fyre Festival?

That’s how successful and awesome my party will be.

Don’t worry. I made all the arrangements.

Transportation and FEMA tent accommodations provided

Due to Covid 19, we won’t be able to fly to this shindig. But I found the best workaround in the universe: advanced alien technology used by marauding invaders.

‘Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” — Doc Brown, Back to the Future

I know you’re all from distant locations around the world. That’s why I lined everything up with my alien friend Skolcrod to use his Transportulator Device and beamulate you straight in. And the best part is, the Transportulator can remove all pesky Corona viruses right out of our bloodstreams when it disintulagrates you, then reintulagrates an identical copy at the other end.

Since all new fresh, organic ingredients are used, you’ll be a brand new person! It will be just like the real you never ever died in terrible agony as each cell is ripped asunder by the astounding forces of beamulation.

Don’t worry, for the most part, Skolcrod won’t bite, even if he drools with his maw open. His fridge is still full with all of those vegans he caught with his Tofu Trap:

All you need to bring is yourself and a towel . Unless you want to bring me $100 bills or gift certificates to Starbucks.

The perfect tropical location with no hope of being found

We don’t want trouble with party crashers. I found the perfect remote site, at a picturesque white sand beach near the Forests of Ubangme. It’s just like you imagine, if you’re imagining the island on the TV show Lost.

There’s no way in or out. But the locals are friendly and such lovely people, if you look past the handmade human bone jewelry to their smiling, eager faces.

Luxury FEMA tents for everyone! I’m printing out handy guides on scorpion removal. Poisonous Snake 101 training will take place during your “How to Stay Alive” orientation upon arrival.

Plumbing and running water by appointment only.

So much wildlife! Forest elephants, lowland gorillas, and a wildly populous group of imported Tasmanian devils. And don’t forget thousands of cute, hungry monkeys! So cute.

Unfortunately, guided safaris aren’t possible. We are setting up unguided DIY safaris, at your own pace. Khaki shorts and shirts, pith helmets, firearms and machetes will be on hand for guests. Enter the forest at your leisure for a freeform nature walk, after signing your release form.

Shark sighting from kayak contests held daily. Don’t worry, you are guaranteed to see at least one shark per experience. It’s an unforgettable rush to see nature so close that you can reach out and touch it.

Blinks 281 will be headlining. An extensive cheese sandwich menu is in the works. All the cheap vodka you can handle. Only the best for this once in a lifetime event.

But what about the hundred articles?

Some of it was a real slog, not gonna lie. And it wasn’t all successful by a long shot. I don’t have all of the answers. I’ve got maybe 3 answers and 100 more questions.

I’m learning as fast as I can, but some days I feel like a slow learner. Most of my stuff has less than 100 reads. It’s hard to keep motivated. Funny keeps me rolling.

But I’ve got this one story that took off like a rocket. It has over 36000 views, go figure! This story about running has 607 hours and 38 minutes of member reading time. That’s crazy! Something that I wrote got 22,000 reads!

I’m really happy about this one, too, although it isn’t very popular yet. I spent about 20 hours looking for the right picture, because so few guys do yoga that there aren’t many photos available. It proves my point. More photogenic men need yoga in their lives.

This personal story about my childhood has been curated and I got it published in Be Yourself. I’m pretty happy with it too. Again, less than 100 reads so far. I’m on what you call a slow burn trajectory, I guess.

My target for the rest of the year? 200 stories submitted to publications. I’ve got some work ahead of me! But it’s getting easier to write every day, and I’m not out of ideas yet. Wish me luck!

But enough about me. What’s going on with you? Leave me a response here, or maybe I can catch up with you at the party. Remember to bring a towel and some scorpion repellent!