Summary

Skolcrod, an extraterrestrial food enthusiast from Kaoma Mundoni 9, shares a humorous recipe for an organic vegan hot sauce using Earth's vegans as a key ingredient.

Abstract

Skolcrod, a space traveler with a passion for food, presents a unique recipe for organic vegan hot sauce, humorously suggesting the use of Earth's vegans as the main ingredient due to their clean and stress-free lifestyle. The recipe, an adaptation of his grandska's traditional dish, requires fresh organic vegans, hot peppers, distilled vinegar, and sea salt. Skolcrod advises on the construction of a Tofu Trap to capture vegans and provides detailed instructions for infusing the ingredients to achieve the perfect flavor balance. The process involves fermenting the ingredients in an airtight container for three days and then using a molecular amalgamator and a taste diagnostic program to finalize the sauce.

Opinions

Skolcrod expresses dissatisfaction with the current selection of condiments on his spaceship, particularly the Centaurian brain stem mustard.
He emphasizes the importance of using organic, non-carcinogenic ingredients, which he believes are best found in Earth's vegans.
The author humorously suggests that aliens might prefer organic vegans as a food source over other humans.
Skolcrod's initial attempt at infusing flavor into the vegans failed, leading to an unfortunate incident with excrement and a strong emotional response from his droop snoot.
The recipe is presented with a tongue-in-cheek tone, and the author includes a note clarifying the piece as humor and acknowledging that humor can be offensive to some.

Skolcrod’s Super Easy Organic Vegan Hot Sauce Recipe

Made with real vegans

Photo by Dan-Cristian Pădureț on Unsplash

Hi again, fellow star travelers, it’s your favorite foodie from Kaoma Mundoni 9, Skolcrod. Have I got an update for you!

We all know how boring those ship replicated rations can be. Technology just can’t recreate good old scrambly little animals that actually try to escape your maw. After travelling 4.35 light years with only dried fromblog podlings and boring old sandwiches for sustenance, we were all on the edge of mortiferous destruction. Thank the ancestors that we reached Earth and found it’s bountiful wildlife edible.

I know you’ve been going wild on all of those bovine delicacy retrieval missions and such. But if you’re going to risk discovery on Earth, you want to make the most of it. Don’t eat those eyeballs, lymph nodes and rectums without the perfect condiment.

I wasn’t happy with what we have left on board. Frankly, if it was up to me, all of that Centaurian brain stem mustard could go in the disintulagrator.

That’s why I experimented with an old recipe my grandska passed down to me back on Kaoma Mundoni 9. I made a few substitutions based on local produce, and I think it’s even better than what old ‘ska used to dip his fromblogs in before mastication. Let’s get to it!

Organic Ingredients

You need to start with the freshest, cleanest produce you can. That’s why I picked vegans. Not to be confused with those from planet Vega, these organic human vegans go out of their way to eat clean and live soft, low stress lives. These factors make them sweet tasting and non carcinogenic. But where to pick up organic vegans that haven’t been contaminated with Beyond Burgers?

It’s easier than you imagine. Just construct a Tofu Trap and set it in an area vegans like to congregate, like a veg fest, organic farmer’s market or a yoga retreat. I’ll include the plans for my Tofu Trap in the ship’s archive. This live trap works so good that you might have to empty it two or three times a day!

You will also need organic hot peppers. I prefer cayenne chili peppers, but you can use many varieties such as ghost peppers or habaneros.

And finally, distilled vinegar. since you will be going through quite a bit, I suggest raiding an earth factory to pick up at least 1000 Largos.

Don’t forget salt! I like the stuff we picked up at that ocean planet 200 aeras ago. Too bad we destroyed it utterly before we left, but its salt lives on in my tortulns! If you need to, you can make do with sea salt from earth. They have it at Trader Joe’s, or any supermarket.

Infusing the Produce

I’ll admit, when I first started playing with this hot sauce, I failed to infuse my vegans with much flavor at all. I tried force feeding them hot peppers and vinegar for one week before processing, which added hardly any spice at all. Apparently whatever they ingested was only processed and passed out in large quantities of excrement.

That smell was so hard on the droop snoot that I couldn’t stop discharging moist secretions. Unfortunately the batch went straight into the disintulagrator, but I still had plenty of vegans in the pantry.

My next try had a lot more kick to it. Here’s the instructions for some of the best hot sauce you have ever soaked your podlings in!

Skolcrod’s Super Easy Instructions

In a large atmosphere tight container, put 3 vegans, 100 Flantons of hot peppers, 20 common units of sea salt and 200 Largos distilled vinegar. Then place the container in darkness for 3 days. Stir once a day and put the cover back on. If any of the vegans are floating, weight them down with a level three grav point to make sure they soak up enough vinegar.

After the three days, run the whole batch through the molecular amalgamator and run my taste diagnostic and balancing program (located in the ship archive under Skolcrod/ taste balancer.) This will even out the delicate flavors and remove any toxins. Even with organic produce, carcinogens from Earth’s environment manages to get into everything!

I hope you give Skolcrod’s Super Easy Organic Vegan Hot Sauce Recipe a go. Reply to the mind cloud with your experience and we will mingle our thoughts! Live long and eat all other creatures and leave planets empty of life!

Human Author’s Note:

I am pretty much a vegan. I’m 99% plant based. I think aliens would choose organic vegans over other humans as a food source. This is a humor piece. Humor is, by it’s nature, offensive to someone. If you are offended, I’m sorry (but not very)