I Wish Someone Had Taught Me About Divorce When I Got Married

Maybe then I wouldn’t have gotten naively blindsided.

“Everyone knows that about divorce,” says my sister.

“No,” I say. “That’s the problem. Not everyone knows that. We know nothing about divorce until we enter into it. Worse, we initiate or experience divorce during one of our most emotionally vulnerable periods. A time in our lives when we are severely reduced.”

In my sister’s defense, she had quite the education in divorce while watching me experience an overly long and abusive one. She is one of the people who are well-versed on the topic.

I grieved the end of my marriage in the years before I ended it.

I thought I was completely prepared for a divorce.

I had heard the divorce war stories of others.

But I wasn’t really listening. Not to the important parts. It was more about being shocked that one human being would do that to another. Let alone two people who once vowed to love one another for life.

It was about thinking someone inadvertently married and divorced an As*hole.

It wasn’t about the crucial stuff.

The things no one ever taught me about divorce.

1. Don’t just choose an attorney make sure to interview several.

2. Understand what a high-conflict divorce is…who’s susceptible to it?

3. Are you married to an extreme or controlling personality?

4. Are you financially vulnerable?

5. You think you can trust your spouse but likely you can’t.

6. Don’t initiate a divorce without a solid plan.

7. Have a backup plan in terms of cash, housing, and transportation.

8. Assess every financial document you have before a divorce.

9. Minimize your vulnerabilities that your spouse can attack or control.

10. Initiate a support system & accept the help you will need your strength.

11. Understand how the law applies in your state, length of marriage, etc.

12. Get yourself and your children in counseling.

13. Put your cell phone on an entirely separate account and bill.

14. Run your credit to make sure it hasn’t been damaged.

15. Open a bank account solely in your name and also a credit card(s).

16. Don’t expect divorce to necessarily be fair.

These are just a few highlights of my divorce warnings.

I explain them in detail in 13 Things to Know Before Divorce — Divorce advice for the naive and trusting. I wish I had learned about divorce…long before I considered a word I never believed my personal vocabulary would include.

I wish someone had taught me about divorce when I got married.

I mean in the practical sense.

In the same way, we learn about banking, insurance, and the other aspects of our lives that we manage. The areas where we are taught to be educated and smart in our decision-making.

The manner in which we plan for our future.

If so, maybe I wouldn’t have had to experience how My Husband Decided My Value in Divorce — And it was based on money, not the law.

Maybe I wouldn’t have known what it was like when I Lost Everything I Owned — But this is what made me cry like a baby.

Maybe I would have realized the danger of divorcing a man I thought I knew. Only to find out My Husband Kept a Life Insurance Policy on Me — The danger of blindly trusting the one we love.

I divorced my college sweetheart, my best friend, and the love of my life.

A man I thought would do the right thing.

Even if it was during an unfortunate time.

I mistakenly believed we shared the same values.

I was wrong.

He was ruthless, manipulative, cruel, calculated, and abusive. He turned our lives upside down during an unnecessarily long five-year divorce. He hurt our children to hurt me and leave me with nothing.

I didn’t realize this experience would be so brutal it would change me.

Albeit temporarily.

It would make me jaded not only about him but the injustice that accompanies divorce. It would disillusion me about the divorce process and how badly behaving people get away with illegal and immoral activity all in the name of ending a relationship.

Men and women who act like spoiled children to get what they want.

Or as I say, “I’m tired of watching children walk around masquerading as adults.”

It would lead me down a new road.

It would transition me from a marketing/PR consultant, freelance journalist, and business columnist to a relationship columnist. It would compel me to devote more than a decade to the counseling, research, and writing of love, relationships, divorce, and narcissism.

In the hopes of teaching others what I never knew.

And sharing a universal experience with men and women I’ve never met.

Who found out they weren’t prepared for divorce either.