TRIPADVISOR REVIEW
I Will Never Wear A Mask
No matter what my scuba instructor says
Dear TripAdvisor — I want to warn everyone about a terrible experience that my wife and I had while staying at the Holidays Fantástico Resort Hotel near Cancun, Mexico.
This was our dream vacation, as neither of us had ever left Oklahoma before, and I’m sad to say that after this we never will again.
Firstly, most of the staff were foreigners and very hard to understand when they talked. However, since we usually only interacted with them at the buffet when we had to shout and point for a new plate, it wasn’t too much of a problem.
The real trouble came when I decided to try the scuba lessons that were included for free as part of our package. I was shocked to learn that they wouldn’t let me dive unless I wore a rubber and plastic mask on my face, with a tube attached to a tank full of some kind of noxious gas.
“Hold it right there, Pablo,” I said, because that’s what I called everyone in Mexico. “I’m not gonna cover my face with Communism just because you and Big Facemask say so.”
He just shook his head and told me I wouldn’t be allowed in the water unless I put the mask on.
I wasn’t first alternate in my middle school debate club for nothing. “My body, my choice,” I said. “Live free or die. Don’t tread on me. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” I almost felt sorry for Pablo, having to stand there and get hammered with logic like that.
Bur he’d obviously been paid off by George Soros — who most people don’t realize owns eighty percent of the world’s air — because he just said that if I drowned, my wife might sue the resort so I should go back to the hotel until I was ready to follow the rules.
Really? Is “drowning” even real? Do you know anyone who’s ever drowned? Me neither! Seems kind of strange. And if water is so dangerous, how come I take a shower every day without dying?
I decided to give him one more chance to educate himself. “Ok, Pablo,” I said. “How bout this? We get the lifeguards from the beach to come over and watch me. If I start to drown — which I won’t — they can jump in and save me.”
“No sir,” he said. “The lifeguards are here for all the guests. They can’t all be here to rescue you because you won’t protect yourself.”
Well, the poor guy didn’t know how dumb he sounded, so I just flipped him the bird and spent the rest of the afternoon at the taco buffet.
I mean, come on.
Sure you might need a mask if you’re old, or don’t have lungs or whatever. But not me. No thanks, I’ll just trust the healthy immune system that God gave me. It got me through diphtheria, smallpox and three cases of tetanus — I like to walk barefoot through the junkyard — and a little H2O isn’t gonna break it down.
Long story short, do not go to the Holidays Fantástico unless you want to be oppressed. Zero stars.
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