avatarPatrick Metzger

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through your clothes and 48 hours of acute stomach pain. Worth it though, really punches up a burrito.</p><p id="31ba">Obviously spicy food doesn’t say anything about your manliness, some guys can handle it and some guys can’t and that’s cool. But if I’d known you didn’t have anything here I would have brought a bottle of the Cray Cray Satan Murder Sauce. It’s made in an old meth lab in Arizona by two former KGB scientists using a secret combination of genetically modified chili peppers and water from the Chernobyl cooling pond, and it’s illegal in fourteen countries. I spilled three drops on the dog once and she had to be put down. Sometimes I drink it straight from the bottle when I’m driving my chrome-plated Hummer to the UFC match.</p><p id="8f91">I see you put some jalapenos in the salad, that’s really cute. I once ate a plateful of Southern Plutoniums, which basically make Carolina Reapers look like bran muffins. Very tasty with a six-pack of Bud Light, although I had to have most of my large intestine re

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moved afterwards. Fortunately my large intestine is bigger and I’m told more attractive than most people’s, so there’s plenty left.</p><p id="c9c8">Yeah, of course, sorry, I know you have to get back to the barbeque. Did I ever tell you about the time I pushed my face into a Hibachi full of hot coals?</p><p id="7c6a"><i>If you liked that, you might like this:</i></p><div id="d10b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/please-accept-my-apology-for-letting-the-zombie-virus-escape-from-my-lab-33e392937856"> <div> <div> <h2>Please Accept My Apology For Letting The Zombie Virus Escape From My Lab</h2> <div><h3>This is so embarrassing</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*KvAxmNe8s-xSQ1IE)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

HUMOR

I Guess You Don’t Have Any Real Hot Sauce Here

Do you even chili, bro?

Photo by Chris Liverani on Unsplash

Thanks for inviting me to the barbeque. Everything is delicious but just wondering if you had any hot sauce? I’m used to food with a little extra kick to it, if you know what I mean.

Frank’s Hot Sauce? Sure, that would be great for a toddler. Ha, just kidding but seriously do you have any Mas Diablo XXX DeathSkull Sauce? Probably not, because you can only get it at one bodega in Little Guatemala and they only smuggle in three bottles a year. You probably wouldn’t like it anyway, unless you enjoy sweating through your clothes and 48 hours of acute stomach pain. Worth it though, really punches up a burrito.

Obviously spicy food doesn’t say anything about your manliness, some guys can handle it and some guys can’t and that’s cool. But if I’d known you didn’t have anything here I would have brought a bottle of the Cray Cray Satan Murder Sauce. It’s made in an old meth lab in Arizona by two former KGB scientists using a secret combination of genetically modified chili peppers and water from the Chernobyl cooling pond, and it’s illegal in fourteen countries. I spilled three drops on the dog once and she had to be put down. Sometimes I drink it straight from the bottle when I’m driving my chrome-plated Hummer to the UFC match.

I see you put some jalapenos in the salad, that’s really cute. I once ate a plateful of Southern Plutoniums, which basically make Carolina Reapers look like bran muffins. Very tasty with a six-pack of Bud Light, although I had to have most of my large intestine removed afterwards. Fortunately my large intestine is bigger and I’m told more attractive than most people’s, so there’s plenty left.

Yeah, of course, sorry, I know you have to get back to the barbeque. Did I ever tell you about the time I pushed my face into a Hibachi full of hot coals?

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