I Went On My First Tinder Date

And everything went wrong

I’m a bit late to the party when it comes to Tinder. I used to be one of those annoying people at parties, who would proudly proclaim that they’d never use a dating app.

‘It just doesn’t work for me,’ I’d say. ‘I can’t judge someone solely on four pictures and a bio of a few lines.’

And I’d feel proud of myself. Like I was a profound person for not using dating apps.

Of course, I wasn’t profound. I was just smug and probably a bit socially anxious.

And of course, there’s nothing wrong with internet dating. A lot of people do it (and especially during the pandemic, it offered a good alternative to going to bars to meet people).

And I know a lot of people that actually ended up in a great relationship because of Tinder. And a lot of people that, if nothing else, went on a few fun dates.

So, a month ago, I decided to download Tinder.

My first Tinder experiences

To be fair, after I downloaded Tinder, it was a bit of a depressing experience at first. I almost deleted the app again after a few days, thinking that I was right not to use dating apps.

There were a lot of gym selfies. Not that there’s anything wrong with celebrating your body, of course, but maybe also include a picture with your shirt on. Some profiles didn’t even contain a face. It was just three pictures of a stomach with abs and one picture of a car.

And a lot of the bios weren’t great either. For some reason, every other bio read something like:

Hit me up if you want fun.

Of course, there’s also nothing wrong with just wanting some fun. But at least be a bit more creative about it.

But it’s easy to swipe and criticize. It’s less easy to actually start a conversation and go on a date.

And there were also a lot of bios I did like. And a lot of pictures that included cats and mountains (two of my favorite things).

So after I spent a few weeks swiping and collecting matches (without ever responding to any of the messages), I decided it was time to actually put myself out there.

My first actual conversation on Tinder

I’d been having a nice conversation with a guy who, according to his bio, liked hiking, climbing, books, birds, good conversations, and sunsets.

He was funny, and he hadn’t offered to send me any dickpics yet (which is quite an achievement, according to my friends who are more experienced in online dating).

When he asked me if I wanted to grab a beer this week, I was a bit hesitant at first. I figured he might be a serial killer, or he might secretly be a fascist or someone who enjoys kicking puppies.

But I also knew that, really, I was just nervous to go on a blind date. And I’d just written a story about the importance of getting out of your comfort zone.

As I write in this story, one of my goals this year is to do something that’s out of my comfort zone every day. I figured that the date could be the one thing that I did for that day.

Therefore, I replied to the match who liked hiking, climbing, books, birds, good conversations, and sunsets:

‘Yes, I’d like that!’

My first actual Tinder date

So I went on my first actual Tinder date. And it wasn’t great. In fact, almost anything that could have gone wrong went wrong.

Because this was my first blind date ever, and because I’m generally not a very brave person, I was very nervous right before the date.

Like a rom-com cliché, I changed outfits three times and finally ended up with the first outfit I tried on. I showered for 45 minutes (apparently, even the environment has to suffer if I go on a date).

And (and this is a bit embarrassing to admit) I even made a list of topics that we could talk about in case the conversation would fall flat.

Possible conversation topics:

How was your day/week?
I also like hiking. Where do you hike?
I also like books. What books do you like? (I recently read The secret history, have you read it?)
Have you gone on Tinder dates before? If so, what was the best/worst one?
Opinion on the housing crisis
Opinion on the war
Opinion on local politics

Despite all these excellent conversation topics, I still felt nervous.

So I had some liquid courage: I drank two (generous) glasses of wine. However, I hadn’t eaten much, and my alcohol tolerance is extremely low, which meant that I didn’t end up being a bit more calm and confident.

I ended up drunk.

So I arrived at the bar drunk and, strangely, still nervous. And also late, because in my drunken nervous state, I’d taken the wrong way there.

He was sitting next to the window and he actually looked like his pictures (also quite an achievement, according to some of my friends). He was drinking a beer. I sat down and said: ‘Hi.’

All the things that went wrong

As it turns out, local politics, the war, and the housing crisis, aren’t exactly fun, breezy conversation topics. And maybe they aren’t the best topics for a first date (or at least not for the first 10 minutes of a first date).

I still think that these are important subjects to discuss, but I also think I made a mistake in trying to force the topics into the conversation. When there was a hint of silence (after we exchanged some small talk), I panicked and asked:

‘So, who do you vote for?’

After that, I steered the conversation towards human suffering.

I don’t think the fact that I was still quite drunk helped my conversation skills. By this time, I’d ordered another glass of wine, which I immediately regretted. And things started to deteriorate a bit after that.

Here’s a short but comprehensive list of all the things that went wrong:

I forgot to ask any of the normal questions I’d prepared (questions like ‘How was your day?’ and not ‘Isn’t it weird that there’s a tragic war going on right now and here we are having beers in a bar?’)
I was so self-conscious that I also forgot to listen (I’m normally quite a good listener, but I don’t remember half of the things he told me)
I spilled red wine over my date, a lot of red wine, almost my entire glass (this was my fifth one, so it was probably a good thing I didn’t end up drinking it, but I did feel guilty — he said it was fine but he was also wearing a fancy, light blue shirt which is probably going to be stained forever)
I proceeded to pour a lot of salt on him, which didn’t help at all
Because of all the wine (and because of my nerves), I had to go to the bathroom every other fifteen minutes
Despite all my awkward questions and despite the fact that we had seemed to connect quite well on Tinder, there were still a lot of awkward silences
During the conversation, he referred to our Tinder conversation a few times and it was obvious he sometimes had me mixed up with another Tinder match (we never discussed going to Vietnam, for example, as I’ve never been to Vietnam)

To sum it up: it wasn’t great.

But, of course, all these things don’t matter if you’re having a nice time with someone.

I think the most important thing that went wrong was that we simply didn’t connect.

He was friendly, and he wasn’t a serial killer or a fascist or a puppy kicker, and we did end up having a good conversation (after I was a bit more relaxed). But that was all.

My first actual Tinder rejection

After the date was over, I got to experience my first Tinder rejection. The next day, my Tinder date sent me that he’d had a good time, but that he hadn’t felt a romantic connection.

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting anything else, and I was also planning on sending him the same thing. It still stung a bit, of course, as rejection does.

But there was also a silver lining to it:

I went on my first Tinder date and I survived.

I got rejected and I survived. I was nervous and drunk and a lot of things went wrong, and I still survived.

So I’m actually quite proud of myself. Not only did I step out of my comfort zone, but I’d also put myself out there romantically. As I wrote in Why I Like Rejection, I think it can actually be a good thing to experience rejection from time to time.

After all, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger (or at least it makes you slightly less awkward the next time you go on a date).

As I wrote in my piece on rejection, the film producer Kevin Feige once said:

Rejection is a common occurrence. Learning that early and often will help you build up the tolerance and resistance to keep going and keep trying.

So I don’t regret going on a Tinder date. And it didn’t make me want to delete Tinder again.

Maybe the next date won’t be so scary.

Maybe my comfort zone will have expanded a little bit by then.

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