I was so Anxious that My Mind Couldn’t Stop during Meditation
How to regain the ability to meditate
I used to lead my friends and colleagues to meditate. People asked me about spirituality and I wrote newsletters about mindfulness.
Then I lost my ability to sleep.
Then my ability to sit still.
Then my ability to even follow a guided meditation.
Four years of meditation habit was gone within months of isolation during the pandemic.
Four months later, I’m picking this up again. Here’s how I do it.
A bit more background
I’ve written a lot about my anxiety disorder. I’ve linked the other articles at the bottom of this article.
Long story short, since the pandemic hit the UK, I was segregated in my remote suburb one-bedroom apartment on my own. My boyfriend is all the way down south, and my family is 5000 km away from England, Hong Kong.
I lost the sense of time, my usual habits, and any form of routine. I stopped exercising, talking to people, sleeping, and eating properly.
One day, I had a panic attack, and the doctor was quick to diagnose my anxiety disorder and I was referred to a psychiatrist and a therapist on an urgent basis.
During the time when I couldn’t sleep, time became a blurred concept. The same few worries recurred in my head like a CD looping day in day out. It was not possible for me to quiet down and meditate.
Even binaural beats, which are chakra cleansing music that’s supposed to raise your frequency and help you to sleep, didn’t work.
I stopped meditating completely, and that’s ok
The more I tried to force myself to meditate again the more defeated I felt. I was the mindfulness guru among my friends, and now I was failing to do the basic 10-minute guided meditation.
My worrying mind had taken over so much that they had control over me. This triggered an extreme form of inner criticism, which I couldn’t take anymore.
I remember writing in my journal that I won’t meditate anymore.
I let go of meditation and then miracles happened.
Looking back, I would say to everyone who tried to use meditation to calm their anxiety, as recommended by so many practitioners, to not do that.
One of the reasons is because the more we wanted something (such as to be calm enough to meditate), the more likely it will come around and disappoint us (like me telling myself off for failing to clear my mind). This becomes a vicious cycle.
The second reason is also a vicious cycle. According to the book Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind, the author, a psychologist, realized that trying to calm an anxious mind is in fact counter-productive. Because it sends the signal to the brain that the alertness was right.
I recommend reading the book as it provides great techniques as to how we can recondition our mind to not react to triggers.
If you’ve tried many methods to calm yourself and not quite working, stop meditating might be a sensible idea.
The mindfulness of doing one thing at a time
Most modern people are used to having to multi-task. As I was working from home during the pandemic, I ended up surrounding myself with so many devices at once that every time something beeped, I freaked out.
So I learned to take back control of my devices. I told my family I was working during these times and turned my iPad and personal phone off. I put my kindle on my designated reading nook. I switched off the socket switch for my television and any other devices at home. After work, I switched off my work everything, and switch back on personal and entertainment gadgets.
But an even more important technique I did, was that I tried to only do one thing at a time. The more mundane the task is, the more focus and attention I give it. My top three things to test this technique were cleaning the bathtub, hanging freshly laundered clothes to dry, and tidying up the kitchen.
All three tasks mean something great will come after, beautiful smelling clothes, a clean tub for a hot bath, and a prepped surface for yummy food. I like the connotation. When I do them, I pay so much attention and gratitude. For example, I rubbed every inch and corner of the bathtub and make sure it is limescale free. I shook the damp laundry and hung it up nice and neatly. I cleaned the edges of my induction hob so nothing could hide in the cracks.
Doing everything this wholeheartedly is the beginning of mindfulness.
If you struggle to sit still with an empty mind and focus on your breath, do mundane tasks with complete attention is the next best (if not better) thing.
I started to meditate lying down
It’s good to have a guided meditation lying down before you sleep because one, it helps you to sleep, and two, it helps reducing screen time before bed.
For a person rebuilding the habit of meditation, I think this is also good because we can meditate before we get out of bed in the morning and before we sleep. By doing that, we make meditation a habit of the first and last thing we do in a day.
It’s true that I fell asleep from time to time, especially in the morning, but I am relaxed about it. This is also why I chose self-affirmative and manifestation meditations in the morning because when the record repeats vibrations and mantras, they are absorbed by our subconscious mind, even if we’ve fallen asleep.
Self-affirmations and manifestation also help you to set a good attitude, mindset, and intention in the morning. I wake up feeling empowered and clear-headed. I feel confident, even if the thing you want to be confident with is meditation itself.
This morning I tried to meditate with just a timer on, sitting upright like I used to do in temples and quietly again. I did it for 5 minutes only and I felt really good to come back to it.
I don’t think I could’ve come back to a life with control over the anxiety that quickly without letting go of meditation and finding mindfulness in everyday life.
It’s like yoga, no teacher will force you to progress to advance yoga post like a gym instructor might. Spiritual practices are not about forcing it with your will power, but about accepting that everything will come over time.
To everyone who’s struggling with anxiety disorder, you are not alone and I feel for you deeply. There is something you can do about it, let things go but never give up. There’s always a silver lining.
Here are more articles I write about anxiety and relaxing articles that will bring a smile to your face:
