I Want To Work Forever, And I Know—Secretly—You Do Too And That’s Okay
28/09/03, 16:08 p.m.
I’ve reached a beautifully daunting conclusion.
I’m 21 years old, and I’ve realised that there is no end.
The road before me is infinite.
Rather than being terrified, I felt at ease.
As usual, I’ve been working.
Weekdays, a standard 40-hour working week with 20 hours of additional overtime
Wake-up: 05:25 a.m.
Leave: 06:14 a.m.
Return: 19:30 p.m.
Lights out: 21:30 a.m.
My final shift was yesterday, Wednesday, the 28th of September.
I’ve been doing this for four weeks straight, and I’m exhausted.
Not to mention the typical admin upkeep that comes with regular medium releases,
And my other working commitments.
Every day I came home from work to work more.
Even on my off days, I worked more.
Surely, I would want to hibernate for a few days?
I’m at my limit, right?
06:15 a.m.
I woke up without an alarm this morning, and for once I had the freedom to lie in.
I delved into social media, manga, messages I had to catch up on, emails—the whole ten miles.
But it felt empty.
I wanted something.
I almost craved it.
This comfortable feeling just wasn’t fulfilling.
Sooner or later, my mind wandered away from the YouTube video whirring on in the background and to my rope.
I pondered on getting up and skipping from 06:50 a.m. to 07:15 a.m.
I hadn’t skipped once since I started working 60 hours per week.
07:25 a.m. I was outside, changed, and had a rope and water bottle in hand.
Right back to work.
I loved it.
I loved the feeling.
I loved the struggle, the pain, and the raw reality of being better.
But I had already reached this realisation.
Much before, I was outside in the cold, panting.
Much before I unlocked the door to get started.
Much before I changed or felt the warmth of my bed escape me,
It was whilst I was enveloped in comfort.
I asked myself:
Who will I be if I stay in bed?
When I first read “Atomic Habits” by James Clear, I was enthralled by the idea of identity-based habits.
The concept for those unfamiliar is simple:
It’s simply the concept that beyond the functional benefit of the habits themselves, there is something crucial beyond it.
Who it shapes you to become.
The identity behind it.
For example, making your bed each morning.
That is a habit.
But who does that make you?
Well, that’s easy.
What type of people do said action?
Clean people.
Organised people.
Thorough people.
Disciplined people.
People who are in control.
Unknowingly, you’ve taken one step further towards all of the associated identities just by completing that action.
After reading about this, I was left with two questions:
- If every action has an associated identity, who are you becoming?
- And now that you’re aware that everything matters, what can you pick up/drop to change your trajectory?
Habits have the power of identity transformation.
Whilst I sat in bed, I was reminded of a piece I wrote.
In it, I described the concept of an established identity.
The beautiful part about assuming an identity is this:
It becomes unnatural, almost as if you’re incomplete, to be anything else.
If a winner was the identity you had cultivated, failing to take the steps you normally would to maintain that identity would feel like a stab in the heart.
As if you’re not yourself.
And that’s exactly how I felt whilst lying in bed.
I have been working constantly for weeks.
And I came to the realisation that I can’t stop.
I can’t let up, not even once.
Because I don’t want to go back.
I don’t want to lose this version of myself.
I don’t want to lose this identity.
Because it’s only through this endless onslaught that I’ll reach the victory I’ve always dreamed of.
I have to run forever.
And I smiled.
Right before I pulled myself out of bed,
I smiled.
Whilst I was panting and dripping in sweat, I smiled.
When I felt a wave of inspiration in the midst of working out, and wrote—even whilst standing in the cold.
I smiled.
Because this is who I want to be.
Someone who keeps taking a step forward, no matter what.
Because comfort doesn’t change the fact that I’m still the same.
Stepping beyond does.
Thank God, there is no finish line.
Not on the road I’m running.
LM
Thank you for reading!
American psychologist Alok Konojia, or ‘HealthyGamerGG’, says:
“The absence of reflection is the reason you’re stuck.”
To solidify our growth, let’s reflect:
Petrichor’s 1-Minute Reflection:
- How did you feel before reading?
- How did you feel whilst reading?
- Do you feel any different now that you’ve finished?
- What is your one takeaway from reading this?
