Parenting | Marriage | Traditions

I Walked One Daughter Down The Aisle, Whilst The Other Was Filing For Divorce

Their lives never seem to align, as a parent all you can do is be there.

Marriage is forever, or maybe it should be until you meet the next special someone.

Tell that to my younger daughter who has just got married and my older daughter who is now going through a divorce, I am sure they would have different views.

It is at moments like this which make you wonder whether the institution of marriage is suited to modern living.

Wouldn’t it be better if the couple agreed to love each other for a shorter period? Say 5 years, 10 years, then review it?

A lot can change during that time, and a lifetime commitment seems huge. Just me?

When my older daughter got married five years ago, I remember asking her on three separate occasions, if she was sure.

I was not trying to put her off, I simply wanted her to know that she always had the choice, right until the last minute.

And that I would always stand by her whatever she decided.

It is never too late to change your mind, you have power over any decision that you make, and that includes changing it.

Each time she had firmly replied that she was certain about getting married.

I’ve often reflected on her wedding day, and why I had asked her that question so many times.

Perhaps it was motherly instinct? She is now leaving that marriage.

A few days ago, on Easter Saturday, my youngest daughter was married. I never asked her once if she was sure because my motherly instinct simply knew that she was.

As I walked my youngest daughter down the aisle, it made me wonder about some of the traditions of marriage and their relevancy in today’s world.

Giving Away The Bride

I was asked if I would be giving my daughter away as her father has Progressive Multiple Sclerosis (MS).

He has been wheelchair-bound for most of her life. It is the only way she knows her dad. She had never known him to walk as by the time she was 2 years old; he became confined to a wheelchair getting progressively worse over the years.

He now has limited mobility and can only move from his neck up and requires 24-hour care.

But his mental alertness has not waned, he still has strong views which he shares often with her when she visits him, which she does regularly.

It was a hard decision for her when planning her wedding. For one, the wedding venue and all the arrangements centred around making sure he could be there. The venue had to be close enough to him and had to have wheelchair accessibility.

She wanted him to be there and be part of her big day.

Similarly, he made sure that he was able to join in, as hard a day as this was physically for him. He is not used to sitting up in a wheelchair all day, as he usually spends most of the day in bed, which is more comfortable for him.

But I digress, we were talking about the tradition of marriage and giving the bride away and why her father cannot do this.

My friend’s daughter refused for her father to walk with her down the aisle on her wedding day. She was of the view that she was not some cattle being given away. Her father was upset over this, as he had wanted to be able to walk this stage with her, and did not view it in this way.

Traditionally women were the property of men, and the father walking a bride down the aisle was a transfer of ownership from her father to her new husband. Giving the bride away is an old tradition that has no place in modern society.

In many ways I would agree with my friend’s daughter, she was not an item to be given away.

But it also depends on how you frame and look at this tradition.

I walked down the aisle with my older daughter as her father died when she was a baby. And I walked down the aisle with my younger daughter as her father was not able to.

At no time did I hold the view that I was giving either of them away like chattel.

As we walked together down the aisle, I was filled with pride. It was a mark of honour for the role I played in her life.

As we walked together, I was mum, with the acknowledgement of all that we had shared.

As we walked together sharing the next part of her journey.

We have walked many journeys over her 25 years, why not make this one together?

So, my reply when I was asked if I would be giving her away, was “No, she’s not an item to be given away, I will walk with her on this next stage of her life journey, which she now continues with her husband”.

Our relationship will ultimately change.

She is now a wife but she also never stops being my daughter.

I will always be her mum because parenting never stops, but it will be different now she is married.

She is in a partnership with the person she loves.

I am there for her when she needs me, but I know that I am no longer the first person she will call.

She will share her secrets with her husband.

And that is the way it should be.

I am not against parents walking down the aisle with their daughters, but I think that the way that this is framed needs to change.

It is not about giving away anyone, rather it is sharing this part of the life journey with them.

Final thoughts

Whilst I am happy for my youngest as she starts this new phase of her life as a wife, there is also sadness, as it marks the end of aspects of our relationship. I am no longer the most important person in her life.

That is only right and the way it should be.

As my youngest daughter moves on, my oldest daughter also moves on.

For the past six months, my older daughter and her two toddlers have been living with me as her marriage was coming to an end. But now my older daughter has a house of their own and is moving out to start the next phase of her life on her own.

As wedding preparations were being made on one hand with my youngest daughter, my older daughter was packing up her kid’s toys, clothes and books ready to move on.

And my house was becoming emptier once again.

Each daughter was moving on, in new directions in their life.

One with her husband at her side.

The other is ready to walk the next phase as a single parent, leaving her husband behind.

My daughters’ lives usually never seemed to align, and on this occasion, although they are moving in different directions, they both seem happier with the choices they have made.

As our children move from babies to toddlers, to teenagers to adults, they need us always but in different ways.

As parents, we walk alongside them and offer them what they need during those changing phases.

That is the hardest part of being a parent, finding the right balance at each of those phases of life.

What do you think about the old traditions around marriage? Did you walk with your child down the aisle?

And isn’t parenting hard even when they move on?

© Bernie Pullen, All Rights Reserved