I’m an older white woman, married, not looking for a lover, but for some inexplicable reason, I used to feel a little sting of resentment towards the Asian women I’d see in interracial couples around San Francisco. That white men were choosing Asian women for their partners felt like a personal rebuke. But now I see that kind of thinking is both racist and irrational, a pernicious wedge that keeps women divided and weak. Women aren’t in competition, love isn’t a contest, and no one is served by over-identification with race.
Here’s the story that woke me up. See how she put “my own kind” in quotes in the subtitle? We all need to do that.
Jokes about Asian women and “tech bros” are deluded and racist
Since there’s no rational reason for feeling the way I described, I’m going to put it down to the media I consume. I first heard white/Asian couples disparaged in a white woman’s comedy routine. The performer was ridiculing the behavior of “tech bros” and added “their Asian girlfriends” to the slam.
The message I got was that tech bros were self-obsessed a**holes who were destroying the planet for profit and their Asian girlfriends were aiding and abetting them. Another message I got was that white women partners would NOT have aided these men. But that’s just delusional. Of course they would! White women have done and will do and are doing so right now; just check out Moms for Liberty to see the damage “my own kind” can wreck.
Wives of rich and powerful men go along with the program or get replaced, regardless of race. And white women with wealth and power of their own don’t behave any better than other kinds of people: see Lauren Bobert, Marjorie Taylor Green, Amy Comey Barrett, et.al.
The fact that “Asian girlfriends” were included in those tech bro jokes was racist, clueless, and an example of the “guilt by association” logical fallacy. In truth, people aren’t responsible for their partner’s behavior — or their parent’s, or their sibling’s, or grown children’s, or friend’s. Every individual is responsible for their own behavior. That’s called being an grownup. And bros are gonna bro, no matter whom they’re married to. Trust.
Women are not competing for a limited “resource”
Was my irrational resentment stoked by a fear of scarcity? If so, it was, again, misplaced. In the United States (and worldwide), men and women exist in more or less equal numbers. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, women make up 50.4 percent of the total population in the U.S. while men make up 49.6 percent. In fact, a few more boys than girls are born every year, and up until around age 60, males have a slight majority. So why should I (or any woman) care whom a strange man, whom I don’t know or love, chooses to marry? It’s not like we are running out of men!
But what about the “good” men? Are we running out of those? Some women lament that all the good men are already coupled up. That claim is suspicious in part because it’s promoted by conservatives who want to convince women that feminism has failed them — that they’d have great husbands and romantic partners if only they’d agreed to give up their aspirations, submit to male authority, and stay home. It’s also suspicious because the term is subjective. There’s no way to measure what percentage of the male population is “good,” since your criteria is likely different from mine. I prefer a funny and intelligent man to a high earner, for example. That’s my personal preference. And even if the particular type of “good” men I desire are all “taken” right now, which seems highly unlikely, chances are they won’t be later, since the national divorce rate is 50 percent. So the scarcity mindset is just more BS.
Stereotypes are false and a tool of oppression
And why do tech bros (and the radical right wing) seem to prefer Asian women, anyway? (I should note here that it’s improbable they actually do, since only 17% of marriages are interracial nationwide). The stereotype is that Asian women are milder, meeker, and more eager to please. But is that really true?
If it is, then it’s evidence of a culture that oppresses them — that teaches girl children that they’re less important and worthy of rights and respect than their brothers. There’s plenty of evidence of that kind of debilitating misogyny in the story by Janet Chui linked above, as well as in this one and this one by Me and My Muse.
There’s also plenty of evidence of Asian women who do NOT have those traits. Watch an Ali Wong special on Netflix, or take a ride on a 30-Stockton bus through Chinatown in San Francisco to put the lie to that myth.
And what’s the flip side of the “feminine ideal” of a subservient Asian woman? It’s a man who is looking for that kind of wife. If he’s chosen an Asian bride because he believes the stereotype, he will want to continue the oppression in their marriage, expecting her to submit to his authority and put herself under his thumb, which is not a relationship I would envy or desire. So any resentment I felt towards Asian women based on their white partners’ preference was, once again, misplaced.
What I should feel instead is a bond of sisterhood, understanding that she and I are probably facing the same struggles: to be listened to, respected, and treated fairly in this man’s world.
What about all those “mail order” brides?
I’ve also read stories about American men traveling to other countries to find wives because they don’t like the way American women behave. Although not specific to Asian women, it’s a related trend. These stories say American women are too ambitious, too demanding, not pliant enough, so American men (aka “passport bros”) travel to other countries to find “better” wives.
“While it’s undeniably frustrating and unfair that men would rather travel 10,000 miles to marry some poor woman from an impoverished country and different culture, with all the problems that come with it, rather than work on their own emotional growth, isn’t it for the better though?
“Isn’t it better that they get their dream submissive meek wife and these women get a chance to get themselves and their whole families out of poverty?
“And isn’t it better that American women get rid of men they don’t want anyway?”
To that I say…maybe?
I don’t know.
The solution is to root out gender and racial prejudice
There’s no denying that social mores are changing. American women (and others) want equality now, and some American men are resisting that. Yet if you believe in the basic worth of every human being — as I hope you do — the solution isn’t resistance to change, which would only perpetuate the unequal status quo.
The solution is for each of us to examine our psyches and root out irrational prejudices against gender and race. For women, that means discarding the false notions that we are in competition for a limited number of “good” men, and that our membership in a particular racial group demands loyalty. If I am a white woman and you are a white woman, that doesn’t necessarily mean we have much in common. I won’t claim allegiance to anyone who belongs to the group Moms for Liberty, for example. They aren’t “my own kind.”
In the end, it’s quite simple, and like the old adage says: you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. That also applies to girlfriends.