I Told My Ex If He Gets a DNA Test for Our Child, He’ll Cease to Be Her Father

I may have been insensitive, and I don’t regret it.

Thinking about my decision to deny my daughter’s father the right to prove the paternity of our child, I’m convinced I made the right decision at that time.

My dignity was being questioned when he asked for a DNA test. He mentioned this during my pregnancy and it didn’t go well with me.

We became distant after I returned home to my parents from the hospital. We lived in different states and he didn’t visit me because he was afraid of what my dad might do to him. Or so I thought. My dad had already threatened him to leave me alone, that I was too young to have a boyfriend but he insisted and said he loved me and would do whatever it took to marry me.

I was young, but I was no fool. I knew he wanted to get into my pants and all I wanted was to have a boyfriend. And a rich one too. Little did I know that life had other plans for me.

Eight months into our relationship, I had an accident. My life was hanging by a thread, and he was there for me. Every weekend when he wasn’t working, he would travel five hours back and forth to be with me at the hospital. He cared and he showed me that.

I wouldn’t say I was in love, but I loved him and I knew if I was to spend the rest of my life with someone, he was that man. I was loyal, honest and committed to him.

He knew it. But he wasn’t loyal to me. I knew he had other girlfriends. I had confronted him once and he denied it.

I didn’t care if he had other girls. At this time I wasn’t thinking about marriage because he was unfaithful. My intention was to date him and see if he would change.

Unfortunately, I found out I was pregnant shortly after.

I was devastated. Neither of us was ready to be parents and I had my health issues to worry about.

However, my gynaecologist said an abortion would put my life in more danger and hinder any possibility of recovering. My options were if I survived the abortion, I may never walk again and if I was fortunate to walk again, I may never have another child.

“If you ever do a DNA test on our daughter, I will make sure you never see her again and she will never know you as her father.”

It was a difficult decision. After several conversations, he convinced me to look at the bigger picture. If I didn’t have another child, at least I would have this one. So we both decided to keep the child. At first, I didn’t care if I died doing the abortion because the chances of my recovery were slim.

On the other hand, my ex was concerned about the consequences my death would bring to him if the abortion failed. He said that a child wouldn’t be that bad and he would be there all the way.

When my dad heard I was pregnant, he disowned me. He called my ex and told him to take me and that he didn’t want to see me in his house. This was when my ex questioned my dignity for the first time. He asked my father how sure was he that the child was his.

In my culture, single mothers are humiliated and called sluts. Most times the girl’s parents will force the man to marry the girl to avoid bringing shame to the family or they will disown her.

When my mother told me about my dad’s conversation with my ex, I was heartbroken. For a man who said he wanted to marry me, I didn’t think he should feel threatened to be a father or husband, for that matter.

I wasn’t even thinking about marriage after I learned I may be wheelchair-bound for life. Still, I needed him to prove his words by supporting me. If anyone was to doubt me, it shouldn’t have been him.

I asked him about what he said to my dad, and he denied it.

I knew he was lying and I wasn’t going to allow him to humiliate me by insinuating that I was a whore. I was very sure I wasn’t a two-timing bitch he assumed I was. Also, maybe he wasn’t ready to be a father and wanted to get off the hook.

Either way, I needed to know how he saw me, what he actually thought of me behind the soothing words and smooches. So I asked him if he wanted DNA done to prove he was the father of the child I was carrying.

He stuttered in between words that it wouldn’t be a bad idea. But said it wasn’t necessary since he knew we had unprotected sex the week I had the accident.

My dad managed to change his mind and asked me to return home after he got several lectures from my gynaecologist, and his friend, a reverend father.

I returned home broken. I was in a wheelchair, completely dependent on my parents and siblings. Pregnancy made me more depressed. I even attempted suicide several times.

This was the time I needed my ex to be there for me, instead, he became distant. He would make up silly excuses as to why he couldn’t visit.

I didn’t see him for six months all through my pregnancy until three days after I gave birth. While he was carrying our daughter, I could see the many questions flooding his head.

I looked him straight in the eyes, and I said, “If you ever do a DNA test on our daughter, I will make sure you never see her again and she will never know you as her father.”

He was shocked. But I meant every word. My dignity was all I had left and I wanted to protect it at all cost. We were living in Nigeria and since we weren’t married, it would have been difficult for him to fight for paternity rights in our home country.

It’s easy to say if you have nothing to hide, why not do the test?

However, it was very difficult for me to accept that my loyalty was being questioned. This is why when I hear women refuse to go for DNA tests to prove the child’s paternity I understand because it subjects the woman to a lot of scrutiny by a man she had given her world. And knowing he doesn’t feel the same way is like a death sentence.

Now in my late thirties, my perception of paternity test have changed. I see a lot of paternity fraud and injustice against men and I believe mandatory DNA is necessary to protect men and the children. If my ex wants a paternity test done on our daughter — who is nineteen by the way — I will let him.

Although it wouldn’t make any difference since I had been loyal to him, with or without the test, I know he’s the father regardless of the resemblance and many of his habits my daughter inherited from him. But now, I feel more at ease knowing what he thinks of me doesn’t matter.

In any case, I will advise men to get a DNA test on their children without the mom knowing, if the mother has given you a reason to question her trust and loyalty in the relationship. Because most honest and loyal women do not take their integrity lightly and we feel insulted when you question our values.

If my ex had done the paternity test without my consent, I wouldn’t have known he had doubted my loyalty and I wouldn’t have lost my respect for him. But he would be at peace knowing he is the father of the child and be reassured of my values.

We, women act out of selfishness when we refuse to do a DNA test on the child. I think we should start seeing this test as proof of our dignity rather than an attack on it. Especially, when a lot of dubious women are out there sending innocent men to jail, whom they know aren’t the fathers of the children.

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