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Abstract

bots. When you only have eight followers, adding a new follower is like the joy of seeing a precious baby deer emerging from the forest on wobbly legs. But then that same sweet and innocent animal looks you in the eye and says, “Hey, I’m Tammi. Visit xyz.cam.girls.net.twitter.porn.bot.com.ru”</p><p id="0e09">WHAT???</p><p id="a630">You can think me naive, but I used Twitter so infrequently that I never considered that fake users are seeking out humans to watch porn. BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK!</p><h2 id="8abb">2. I’m not alone in sucking at Twitter</h2><p id="4a8d">What surprised me most about the response was not the number of comments but the theme. Too many writers feel pressured to be on Twitter. We feel obligated to Tweet because we are “supposed to.” Just like we are “supposed to” floss, eat kale, or change our motor oil every 150,000 miles.</p><p id="138d">Creators empathize with this feeling of burden and expectation. We detest these feelings, and the problem is glaring at us on a 5.2” Gorilla Glass screen. When we try our best and still fail, we convince ourselves the prize is not worth it. Or we assume we’ll fail and don’t put forth the effort and discomfort we need to succeed. What can we do?</p><h2 id="0d06">A solution is a support group</h2><p id="4437">We believe no human should suffer alone. I am proud to introduce the:</p><p id="981d"><b>I Suck at Twitter Support Group for Professionals Who Do Not Want to Spend Our Precious Time on Social Media, But We Feel an Intense Obligation to Develop Our Personal Brand Because Someone Told Us We Need Twitter To Make Our Business Interests Legitimate and Successful©</b></p><figure id="c974"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*ZGL_bvL5pukMxM-y6qoQGQ.png"><figcaption>Created by Author on Canva Pro</figcaption></figure><h2 id="6a7d">The Mission</h2><p id="e44e">The mission of:</p><p id="7e53">I Suck at Twitter Support Group for P.W.D.N.W.S.O.P.T.S.M.B.W.F.I.O.T.D.O.P.B.B.S.T.U.W.N.T.M.O.B.I.L.S© is to be a place free of the professional obligations we impose on ourselves.</p><p id="8466">But don’t take my word for it. Listen to some of our founding members.</p><blockquote id="b439"><p>When I first started r

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eally writing on Medium, I decided to try Twitter out too. I got a ton of followers in a short amount of time but to be honest… <b><i>WHY? </i></b>What is the purpose? I barely interact on it because for the most part… it is <b><i>boring</i></b>! — <a href="undefined">Julie KingGood</a></p></blockquote><blockquote id="167f"><p>I absolutely refuse to have a Twitter account not for any reason that’s special or informative. Just because… — <a href="undefined">Lorna Dolan</a></p></blockquote><blockquote id="a882"><p>What is more embarrassing than having 8 followers on Twitter? Having zero followers. Even a 5000% increase would still be zero. — <a href="undefined">Jennifer Barrios Tettay</a>²</p></blockquote><h2 id="7891">Spread the word and use the hashtag</h2><p id="d136">#I_Suck_at_Twitter_Support_Group_for_Professionals_Who_Do_Not_Want_to_Spend_Our_Precious_Time_on_Social_Media_But_We_Feel_an_Intense_Obligation_to_Develop_Our_Personal_Brand_Because_Someone_Told_Us_We_Need_Twitter_To_Make_Our_Business_Interests_Legitimate_and_Successful</p><figure id="f693"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*DZWuezELdJruBsXx46a-hw.jpeg"><figcaption>Support Group Hashtag. Nailed it! Screenshot by Author</figcaption></figure><p id="7410">Full disclosure, it took a few tries to get this right. Who knew you only have 240 characters to write a Tweet? Our hashtag is a little long, but great news! We still have eight characters left to communicate with each other. That’s <a href="https://www.thefreedictionary.com/8-letter-words.htm">80148 different words</a> to choose from.</p><p id="368d">Free yourself, my fellow Twitter inepticons. Join the Support Group today!</p><h2 id="0c52">Footnotes:</h2><p id="d129">¹My wife told me that</p><blockquote id="9ff8"><p>“the most visible sign of your personal growth and maturity is that its been years since you threw your hands in the air and shouted BOOYA!!!”</p></blockquote><p id="c25b">²Jennifer’s comment made me laugh hard enough that I spit soda on my daughter. <b>Update:</b> Jennifer now has 118 followers and performs the opening act for Katy Perry.</p><p id="2306">Click the tip button below to pay your Support Group membership dues.</p></article></body>

Satire

#I_Suck_At_Twitter_Support_ Group_For_Professionals_

Who_Don’t_Want_to_Spend_Our_Precious_Time_on_Social_Media.

Someone told me I need Twitter

And I made the mistake of believing them. I’m supposed to develop my brand. Grind, grind, grind, tweet, tweet, twididitty, tweet. But there is one problem.

I suck at Twitter

Let’s Suck at Twitter Together

#Calling_on_Everyone_Who_is_Inept in_the _Twitterverse

medium.com

Or should I say I used to suck at Twitter? It’s been eight weeks since I first wrote about my struggles with Twitter. Now I am a viral, trending influencer with

insert self-aggrandizing drumroll here

FORTY-FIVE followers. Move over, Elon Musk. There’s a new sheriff in town who doesn’t drive a Tesla.

BOOYA!¹

But as much as I would like to narcissistically talk about my 563% growth, I discovered two lessons from this satirical experiment.

My 563% Growth in Twitter Followers with a Booya emoji. Screenshot by Author.

1. Not everyone on Twitter is human

I had 51 followers before I realized six of them were bots. When you only have eight followers, adding a new follower is like the joy of seeing a precious baby deer emerging from the forest on wobbly legs. But then that same sweet and innocent animal looks you in the eye and says, “Hey, I’m Tammi. Visit xyz.cam.girls.net.twitter.porn.bot.com.ru”

WHAT???

You can think me naive, but I used Twitter so infrequently that I never considered that fake users are seeking out humans to watch porn. BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK!

2. I’m not alone in sucking at Twitter

What surprised me most about the response was not the number of comments but the theme. Too many writers feel pressured to be on Twitter. We feel obligated to Tweet because we are “supposed to.” Just like we are “supposed to” floss, eat kale, or change our motor oil every 150,000 miles.

Creators empathize with this feeling of burden and expectation. We detest these feelings, and the problem is glaring at us on a 5.2” Gorilla Glass screen. When we try our best and still fail, we convince ourselves the prize is not worth it. Or we assume we’ll fail and don’t put forth the effort and discomfort we need to succeed. What can we do?

A solution is a support group

We believe no human should suffer alone. I am proud to introduce the:

I Suck at Twitter Support Group for Professionals Who Do Not Want to Spend Our Precious Time on Social Media, But We Feel an Intense Obligation to Develop Our Personal Brand Because Someone Told Us We Need Twitter To Make Our Business Interests Legitimate and Successful©

The Mission

The mission of:

I Suck at Twitter Support Group for P.W.D.N.W.S.O.P.T.S.M.B.W.F.I.O.T.D.O.P.B.B.S.T.U.W.N.T.M.O.B.I.L.S© is to be a place free of the professional obligations we impose on ourselves.

But don’t take my word for it. Listen to some of our founding members.

When I first started really writing on Medium, I decided to try Twitter out too. I got a ton of followers in a short amount of time but to be honest… WHY? What is the purpose? I barely interact on it because for the most part… it is boring! — Julie KingGood

I absolutely refuse to have a Twitter account not for any reason that’s special or informative. Just because… — Lorna Dolan

What is more embarrassing than having 8 followers on Twitter? Having zero followers. Even a 5000% increase would still be zero. — Jennifer Barrios Tettay²

Spread the word and use the hashtag

#I_Suck_at_Twitter_Support_Group_for_Professionals_Who_Do_Not_Want_to_Spend_Our_Precious_Time_on_Social_Media_But_We_Feel_an_Intense_Obligation_to_Develop_Our_Personal_Brand_Because_Someone_Told_Us_We_Need_Twitter_To_Make_Our_Business_Interests_Legitimate_and_Successful

Support Group Hashtag. Nailed it! Screenshot by Author

Full disclosure, it took a few tries to get this right. Who knew you only have 240 characters to write a Tweet? Our hashtag is a little long, but great news! We still have eight characters left to communicate with each other. That’s 80148 different words to choose from.

Free yourself, my fellow Twitter inepticons. Join the Support Group today!

Footnotes:

¹My wife told me that

“the most visible sign of your personal growth and maturity is that its been years since you threw your hands in the air and shouted BOOYA!!!”

²Jennifer’s comment made me laugh hard enough that I spit soda on my daughter. Update: Jennifer now has 118 followers and performs the opening act for Katy Perry.

Click the tip button below to pay your Support Group membership dues.