I Stopped Running Away from Myself When I Found the Beach

Living on an island has finally allowed me to accept myself as I am.

I’ve always wanted to travel. Partly, yes, I want to see new places and experience new cultures and languages. But there’s also a part of me that has always been trying to run away from myself. It’s only now that I’ve moved to the beach that I find myself with no urge to run away and be somewhere else — be SOMEBODY else.

Depression

At the end of 2019, I was extremely depressed. Depression is nothing new to me because I have bipolar disorder, but this was the closest I had come in many years to having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t want to die, but I couldn’t continue life as it was.

Something had to change.

At the beginning of 2019, I had quit my part-time job because my freelance writing was more or less supporting me. However, money management has never been my strong suit, and as my mental health fluctuated, so did my productivity.

By the fall, my finances were such a mess that I figured going back to dog grooming would be the best way to straighten things out.

I quickly got a job at a PetSomething…but they didn’t really have the business to support me. You see, dog groomers get paid on commission. If I didn’t have enough dogs to groom, I only made $10 an hour. We were so slow that I only averaged a little better than that most weeks.

Considering the only reason I went back to dog grooming was because I expected to make a minimum of $600 to $800 a week, $450 to $500 just wasn’t cutting it. I held out hope that the busy holiday season would be better, but even then we weren’t as busy as we “should have been.”

For several months, I was working harder for less money than I had been making with my writing alone. After investing (well, borrowing the money for) $1000 worth of grooming tools and then having to get used to working on my feet again for the first time in more than a year, I was crushed by my inability to make the “good” money I previously had from dog grooming.

Meanwhile, my finances were worse than ever, and it looked like I was never going to be able to afford my dreams of traveling.

Something had to change.

Escape

The previous summer, I had discovered Katie Carney on YouTube. At the time, she was living in a Toyota Prius, which is about the same size as my Scion xD.

I started to think, “I think I could do that.”

I could go back to full-time freelance writing, not have to worry about paying rent each month, and explore the country at the same time.

By the middle of December, I had made up my mind. I would finish the busy holiday season at PetSomething, then move into my car at the beginning of January.

I had to break my lease, but I was so desperate to escape the grey winter of central Illinois that I would have let my stuff be evicted from my apartment. I didn’t care anymore. I had to GET OUT.

After selling, donating, or storing most of my belongings, I packed up my compact car on January 5, 2020 and hit the road, heading south for warmer temperatures and the adventure of a lifetime.

On the Road

My mom lives in a gated community outside the Dallas/Fort Worth area in Texas. She invited me to park outside her home at first to get used to living in my car in a safe place, so I could work out the kinks without the risk of bad people or cops knocking on my window in the middle of the night.

The idea turned out to be a perfect one. I had no idea how to pack my car in a functional way with my necessary items. As much as I had tried, it was still too difficult just trying to find my clean underwear before I could take a shower.

Once I worked out the kinks, I started venturing out, just a couple of nights at a time at first.

I had been under the impression that most Walmarts and truck stops allowed overnight parking. I quickly found out that wasn’t the case, especially in and around big cities. It turns out, a lot of cities have ordinances intended to prevent homeless people from sleeping in the cars.

Still, I was determined to make this work. I’m already 37 and not in great health. I don’t know how much longer I have to explore this world. Well, none of us know, really. A giant explosion (like the one recently in Beirut), a car accident, or a virus could kill any of us at any time.

My First Taste of Galveston

I made my way down to Galveston slowly the first time. I needed to work most days and couldn’t really afford to spend an entire day on the road. So I spent a night just south of the DFW area and another night north of Houston.

The first time I drove over the causeway from mainland Texas to the island of Galveston, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I felt welcome…it felt like home before my feet even touched the island.

Above is the first picture I took in Galveston. Just across the causeway, on 61st street, there’s a fishing pier and boat launch. I got out, stretched, took some pictures, and inhaled the salty air. I hadn’t even seen the beach or the city yet, and I was already in love.

It’s not far from there to the beach. Above is the first photo I took of the beach. This would have been somewhere off the Seawall.

After spending a few hours exploring the island, I went to Panera back on the mainland to have dinner and do some work.

I waited too long to decide where to sleep that night. I decided to do free camping on the beach — but it got dark long before I got there.

Above is a picture I took at a gas station before I reached the beach to show how dark and foggy it was. Once I left the gas station, there were no more lights.

It was a terrifying drive to the beach. I eventually pulled over into what I presumed was a safe place and managed to get a little bit of sleep.

It was still foggy the next morning, but I took some time to explore the island before settling down to work for the day.

The stress of trying to find a safe place to park and sleep every night was wearing on me, so I headed back to my mom’s place for some sleep before I plotted my next move.

From a Short Trip to a Long Lease

On February 1, I headed south again. Even north Texas isn’t that warm during the winter. I was comfortable enough sleeping in my car with my heavy comforters, hoodie, gloves, and thick socks, but I still couldn’t wait to go back to Galveston.

I got to Galveston a little quicker the second time and arrived on February 2.

Here’s one of the beach pictures I took that day. Remember when Kobe’s death was one of the most shocking moments of 2020?

I didn’t write Kobe’s name in the sand, but I found it striking, so I took the picture.

Anyway, after one or two nights trying to find a place to park and sleep anywhere near Galveston, I decided to splurge on a motel for a few nights. I had been spending a fortune at Panera’s and Starbucks, so working and sleeping in a motel actually wasn’t that much more expensive.

Each day, I spent about half the day working and half the day exploring the island. Most days, a long sleeve shirt was enough to keep me warm, so I was able to keep my winter coat stuffed behind my driver’s seat, untouched for the first time in several months.

When my motel reservation was up, I wasn’t ready to leave yet. I had a lucrative client at the time, so I found a cheap AirBNB to stay on the island an additional five nights.

Within a couple of days, I started weighing the pros and cons of signing a lease in Galveston and staying indefinitely.

I was spending A TON of time figuring out where to work and sleep every day. My laptop battery only lasts a couple of hours, so if the first Starbucks (or Panera, or wherever) didn’t have an outlet, I would have to move on to another location. If the Walmart parking lot I intended to sleep in didn’t allow overnight parking, I had to come up with a plan B. If the free camping in the woods had no cell signal, I had to go to plan C.

For those reasons, living in my car was much more stressful than I imagined it would be. If I didn’t have to work so much, it wouldn’t have been as much of an issue, but I spent so much time either working, figuring out where to work, or figuring out where to sleep that I didn’t have much time to explore.

In the meantime, I had absolutely fallen in love with Galveston. Not only did I love the beach and the town, but I HATE to be cold, so the climate appealed to me. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to a hot, humid summer, but the possibility of getting through winter rarely needing anything warmer than a long sleeve shirt appealed to me.

I signed a lease February 14 on a one-bedroom apartment about half a mile from the beach.

A month later, lockdown hit.

Pandemic

I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I signed a lease before the pandemic hit. I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been to live in my car when so many places were closed. Just trying to find a bathroom, much less take a shower, would have been nearly impossible.

At the same time, the idea of being locked in the dreary garden-level apartment I left behind in Illinois horrifies me.

Here, I have a view of a swimming pool and palm trees. We weren’t allowed to use that pool for a long time, but it sure is a nice view.

The beaches only closed briefly, but even then, I would go park on the Seawall once or twice a week and look out over the ocean. It brought me peace during an extremely stressful time.

I’ve finally found a place that brings peace to my soul and allows me to accept myself for the first time.

In terms of personal growth, I finally realized that I’m bisexual. I suppose I could have made that realization anywhere, but I think making such a giant change in my life had a lot to do with it, too.

I rarely actually went down and sat on the beach, though, until a couple of weeks ago. Now, I spend most evenings with my beach chair in the ocean and the waves splashing over my ankles.

Meditation has always been hard for me. I usually have voices running on at least 3 or 4 “channels” in my brain at any given time. Trying to tune them out just aggravates me. But sitting with my feet in the warm Gulf water, just listening to the rhythmic waves and watching pelicans dive for their dinner…it’s the most inner peace I’ve found in a really long time.

Inner Peace and Accepting Myself

Tonight, I realized that I have no urge to run away. I don’t crave travel. I would still like to travel at some point, but if I settle in Galveston and never manage my money well enough to travel…I think I’ll be OK with that.

I’ve finally found a place that brings peace to my soul and allows me to accept myself for the first time. Which reminds me, I started wearing shorts at the beginning of the summer — for the first time in more than a decade. I stopped wearing a bra, too.

Hairy legs, men’s gym shorts, and a 3X shirt — and I’m more comfortable than I ever was trying to live up to other people’s expectations of what a woman “should” look like. Screw that. I just want to be comfortable — and I finally am.

I’m bipolar, bisexual, overweight, and hairy — and there’s nothing wrong with any of that.

I don’t need to run away from myself anymore.