I Still Give Every Single Fuck
And I’m almost 40
This story was inspired by Rusty Shackleford and his story, I Don’t Give a Fuck https://readmedium.com/i-dont-give-a-fuck-63d6e6d023c9. Thanks, Rusty!
They say that once you turn 40, something magical happens. You stop giving any fucks. Or at least you stop giving so many of them. Well, I turn 40 years old in one month, and I still give every single fuck.
Every. Single. Fuck.
Not just the monumental fucks, as I should. I’m talking about the little fucks. The baby fucks. The stupid fucks. The utterly futile, irrelevant, arbitrary fucks.
So will I magically transform in one month? Will I undergo a total personality makeover? At the stroke of midnight, do all the tiny little fucks come flying out of my ass like fairy dust? Or am I genetically destined to give all the fucks for the rest of my life?
…
If it exists, I Give a Fuck
I’m an empath, an introvert, highly sensitive, and extremely anxious. I can’t just say, have dinner at a restaurant and only give a fuck about my meal or my present company. I give a fuck about all of it.
I give a fuck about the couple at the table to my right. I give a fuck that the girlfriend is not eating much of her meal and that she might be terribly hungry in a couple of hours. I give a fuck that she is way more into him than he is into her and how sad she’s going to feel next week when he breaks up with her over a text.
I give a fuck about the table across the room with a mother and her toddler son. I give a fuck about the little boy, who is babbling loudly and spilling his juice, making everything sticky. I give a fuck about the mom, whose cheeks are flushed with embarrassment. I give a fuck that the other patrons look annoyed, stealing glances and shifting in their seats.
My fucks are now spewing out of control as I realize I was stuck in what probably looks like a silent seizure for the last 5 minutes, starting at everyone else in the room and neglecting my own tinder date sitting right across from me.
I give a fuck that I’m still not ready to order when the waitress comes over, and she rolls her eyes and says she’ll come back. I give a fuck that she might hate me. I give a fuck that she definitely hates me. I give a fuck.
The Big and the Little Fucks
I’d be hard-pressed to find something I don’t give a fuck about. I wear the weight of the world on my shoulders. I take on the feelings of others, absorb all energy in a room, and take it on as my own. I jump immediately to the worst possible conclusion and find problems where there are none.
On a rational level, I realize I should be saving my fucks for the big things- the people, animals, and issues I care about, which resonate deeply within my soul. My four-year-old son. My pit bull, Lucy. Writing. Teaching. The climate crisis, the melting ice caps, and the dying polar bears. The war in Ukraine. Certain political parties stealing marginalized people’s rights and destroying American democracy as we know it.
But my empathic essence cannot stop giving the other fucks. It’s who I am. It’s the way I’m built. And part of getting older is realizing and accepting that we are who we are. So as fun as it would be to be a No-Fucks Frannie, I’m pretty sure I’ll be waking up on my fortieth birthday full to the brim with fucks. An All-the-Fucks Fiona. Happy Birthday to me :)
