Poetry
I Sneezed Into My Shirt and Got Snot Stuck In My Hairy Chest
Damn CDC guidelines!
sitting around talking to employees
social distance guidelines followed
some wore masks some didn’t
I didn’t; had it in my pocket
allergies
sneeze came up fast
couldn’t get my mask out
pulled up t-shirt neck and sneezed into my shirt
came back up and apologized
screams everywhere,
men fainted, women vomited
people started running everywhere
best looking woman in the room just stared at me like she was in an epileptic trance
slowly raised her hand to her nose and pointed
I reached up and realized I had snot trailing from my nose
laughed it off
slowly rose and went to bathroom, looked in the mirror and vomited in the sink
cleaned up best I could returned to meeting
everyone was gone
now HR and OSHA rep in room
had to watch corporate video about snot hanging out of my nose
no one would look at me all day, when they did they heaved
chest was scratchy all day
finally got home
took off shirt
looked like a bunch of snails had a war on my chest
snot trails and nose shrapnel everywhere
hardened in my hair like gum on a kid’s head
tried scrubbing it off, looked like road rash after
had to cut my chest hair off
like shearing a sheep
clogged the sink
no chemical strong enough to unclog it
had to use the long, hair removal thingy
vomited in the toilet
finally finished
sneezed and blew snot all over the mirror
held my chihuahua up and had him lick it off the mirror
TMI? it was either the dog or the kid
the end
Mental Health is more important today than ever. If you are feeling down, reach out and talk with someone. I hope you got a laugh out of this, and it helped lighten your mood.
Chuck Roast is a writer, author, word generator, hack, scribbler, literary genius, penman, scribe, litterateur, poet in residence (my house), satirist, and humorist (“humourist” for those of you who like the “incorrect” spelling)for Medium and the publication Illumination, among others, a Top Writer in Satire and Humor, owner/editor/writer of his own Publication, Dad-Bods, which is currently sitting idle while he develops his social media skills and gains more exposure through manipulation of said social media. He was recently curated for the first time, in Poetry, for his poetic story, Remember the Founders and Their Reasons.
Here are the links to his accounts, LinkedIn, Twitter. Comments are always appreciated. Thanks for reading. Write On! Write well, write good, and write enough!