I Rejected a Married Friend’s Sexual Advances — Then He Blocked Me

Does my platonic friendship have such little value?

On Friday night, I was chatting with my friend on Facebook messenger. For the sake of protecting his identity, we’ll call him…Max. Max and I know each other in real life. We live in the same town, and our kids are both involved in some of the same extracurricular activities.

Now that things are opening up a bit, we recently gathered in person, outdoors, in a large group. It was an amazing thing, being able to see and talk to friends. I even hugged a few people.

Max and I had a chance to get caught up face to face — and he flirted with me a lot. I mean, big time. I noticed he’d shaved his beard, and he asked if I wanted him to grow it back out since it was specifically me he was trying to impress. He also said, when we were off on our own, away from the group, “You look luscious, today. I just had to tell you.”

Things like that. Things my own husband doesn’t say to me, but that’s neither here nor there.

I flirted back, per usual. I’ve said it before here and I’ll say it again. I’m a bit of an attention slut, and I’ll flirt with pretty much anyone of any gender if the conversation is enjoyable and their sense of humor is good.

However, one thing I’ve always been cautious about with this friend is that he’s married. I’m married too, but I’m also exploring my recently discovered identity as a polyamorous woman and openly communicating about that with my husband as I start to figure these new feelings out.

I’ve never met Max’s wife, as he seems to be the one with the flexible work schedule who can shuttle the kids around. But, I know he’s married. I didn’t know for a while, however, and we started building our friendly flirtation before either of us was aware of the other’s relationship status.

During our late-night online chat this past Friday, Max got pretty gutsy. He opened up to me about wanting to take our flirting beyond talk and actually start a physical relationship. A secret physical relationship that he would keep hidden from his wife.

I thanked him for his openness and honesty. And I wasn’t offended. But I was clear and direct in telling him that I wanted to remain friends — not friends with benefits.

Two days later, as I was about to send him another message, I discovered that Max had blocked me.

Do Women Flirt With Men They Don’t Want to Sleep With?

Does a year and four months of friendship really mean so little to Max? Or, for you men out there: is friendship with a woman, without the possibility for sex, as worthless as I’m feeling right now?

Now that he knows I don’t want to fuck, Max not only wants to back off and cool down — he wants to cut me off completely. To silence me completely.

It’s especially strange since I know we’ll see each other in person again. If I’m blocked online, does that mean I should pretend I can’t see him or hear him when we’re in a group setting? That’s completely ridiculous.

He and I weren’t always close, but during the pandemic and social distancing, we started to get closer through chatting. And I always felt we had a certain bond — an appreciation for each other and the obvious sexual tension we shared. I learned more about him and his feelings during our chats, and I really enjoyed having someone to talk to. Because I, like so many, have been feeling really lonely during this time.

Did I flirt with Max even though I knew I wouldn’t have sex with him? Why, yes. Yes I did.

And I guarantee you there are plenty of women out there who can say the same thing. I’m not saying all women do this, but there are those who do. And there’s not a thing wrong with it.

I can also guarantee there are men who do this with women. I’ve experienced it for myself — guys who have fun teasing me or complimenting me. Who like to get touchy-feely with me. But they either don’t want to sleep with me or won’t for whatever reason. Maybe because they are in a relationship, or maybe because I am. Maybe it’s because they just aren’t that into me, but as friends, they like to get their flirt on with me.

Flirting does not automatically mean a green light for sex. And thinking that it does is absolutely incorrect.

I don’t feel guilty for feeling a connection to a fellow human being. That’s another reason why I flirt. For me, flirting is really just being honest and sincere and generous with my true feelings. You’re so talented. You’re so sweet. You look great today. You’re a total hottie. I bet you’re great in bed. You might hear statements like these from me if I honestly feel they are true and they pertain to you. I might even say it while I hug you or put my hand on your shoulder. Even if I’m not trying to get into your pants.

But don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not super affectionate with just anyone. It’s something that naturally happens when I feel I connect with a person on a certain level. I’ll often lower my filter when someone flirts with me first or seems to be feeling my personality.

In other words, I’m damn good at reading the room.

Sometimes you can just feel an obvious chemistry and/or attraction with someone. For Max, I would say it was more of an emotional chemistry and not so much physical attraction — at least, on my end.

What Else Is On the Menu Then?

When I told Max, over Facebook messenger, that I don’t think we should have sex, he responded with, “Okay. What else is on the menu then?”

On the menu? I’ll admit, for a hot second there I felt about as cheap as a value meal at Burger King. Like, what menu items can he get for a dollar’s worth of emotional investment in me?

If I was saying no to penetrative sex, he wanted to know what I’d say yes to. He just wanted to screw around a bit, he informed me. Did that mean oral? Heavy petting? Making out? Who knows, but I wasn’t on board with any of that when it was behind his wife’s back. I’m more about ethical non-monogamy.

Ethical meaning that everyone involved is aware and in agreement of any sort of physical relationship taking place. His wife would have to know about it and be okay with it. Same with my husband.

But that kind of situation doesn’t work for everyone. Of course, it doesn’t. Not everyone is capable of feeling affection for more than one person. Or if they are, they’re too jealous to explore it. For some, it’s just not an option on the table. And I would never try to talk someone into it or pressure them in any way.

Part of ethical non-monogamy also means not persuading someone into trying it with me. They’d have to want it for themselves.

Monogamy/Monotony

It’s entirely possible that Max blocked me because he doesn’t want to feel tempted or whatever. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to disrespect his marriage. He doesn’t want to do anything to hurt his wife, after all. (Well, as long as she doesn’t know about it — which is all bullshit, in my opinion.)

Or maybe he’s just not into flirting without fucking, and he’s tired of feeling pushed and pulled around by being playful with me.

Whatever it is, he’s made it so that I’m not able to ask him about it or clear the air between us through text. And now, I’m not sure I feel like doing it in person since he clearly doesn't want to hear what I have to say anyway.

Monogamy doesn’t suit me. And clearly, there are a lot of people who feel stuck in long-term relationships as they, too, lose interest in monogamy. They just don’t want to be as upfront about it with their partners.

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This story is part of Sexual Espresso, a weekly column published here on Sexual Tendencies.