I Never Felt Like I Had Anything to Prove

Until I divorced a man

I’m ticked off.

Never in my life did I feel like I had anything to prove to the world.

I was your typical girl, confident with one or two Achilles heels. I didn’t have a big ego nor did I lack one. I didn’t have insecurities that drove me to make more friends, do something grand, or stand out in a crowd.

Okay, well, I might have been loud enough to stand out but that’s because I’m the overly social, youngest of five in a big Irish Catholic family. I was begging to be heard.

And by the time I reached my teenage years, the volume never lessened.

My point is now I feel like I have something to prove. It wasn’t enough to overcome a lunatic man who wouldn’t divorce me for five years.

It wasn’t enough to endure severe financial and emotional abuse while escaping him.

I have to fight an archaic narrative.

I have to fight a prehistoric stereotype.

I have to fight society’s view of divorce,

The washed-up stay-at-home mother who waited too long to leave.

The woman who’s become irrelevant. The girl society valued when she was raising money for schools and charities. When she was volunteering where others could not.

I’m not irrelevant.

I’m the same highly motivated, smart, problem-solving woman. I refuse to allow my ex-husband, family law, and society to define my worth. The choices I made allowed others to pursue their busy schedules with school and charitable infrastructures being sustained.

Who fosters this outrageous and archaic narrative?

1. It starts with the husband.

My ex-husband used this abhorrent stereotype to devalue me, to deem me seemingly worthless, so he could achieve the financial win he wanted.

The same man insisted he wanted a traditional arrangement because his own mother had stayed home to raise the children.

He painted a picture of a woman who did nothing.

A housewife who took advantage of him. A woman he says he took care of. A girl he says bit the hand that fed her because she left his self-proclaimed moniker — The Golden Goose.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

But it worked for him. Why?

2. Because the family law system makes it worse.

Incredibly, all of these years later, divorce still devalues a woman who stays home to raise her children. A woman who works far outside of the house and into the community.

They base a woman’s worth strictly on income.

NOT her actual value.

They believe the man’s monetary accomplishments cannot compare to her overwhelmingly comprehensive family accomplishments and contributions.

They do not look at the marriage as a team of two individuals.

Two people who intentionally sought these choices and contributions. They made conscious decisions about what each individual would bring to the relationship and family.

They can’t cry foul in the end after they’ve gotten everything they wanted.

And make it appear they’ve been taken advantage of.

3. Society judges divorce & stay-at-home mothers.

I do not have to prove myself. I am not used up professionally. The woman who I worked with were leaders.

We raised significant amounts of money, created huge successful events, worked alongside teachers, and much more. If we had worked outside of the home many would have been in management positions.

We had to tap into a multitude of skills.

We did this work while hauling our children along with us.

We didn’t waste those years working inside and outside of our homes. We raised our children and we are simply transitioning to new careers.

Money is not the only determinant of professional development.

And divorce is not a scandal. It’s the unfortunate result of exhausting all of your options. It happens. And it happens to approximately half of all marriages.

Summary

Divorce is not the end of the world.

Although when it’s happening it does feel like it to those involved.

All the more reason, spouses, family law, and society should mature in their archaic narratives, judgments, and stereotypes. And give us a chance to get through it.

I had enough to contend with divorcing an extreme and controlling personality. I don’t need to keep fighting a battle.

I don’t need to prove myself to anyone.

I’m ticked off.

I never felt like I had anything to prove.

Until I divorced a man.