I Need to Unmute and Break a Crippling Pattern

Truth hurts, but silence kills

We’ve been dating for nearly four years, the last month being the most dreadful ever. The fact that we were locked up in two different continents and unable to get to each other for nearly a year impacted us greatly. At the same time, it also brought to light a ton of hidden pains and unfulfilled desires that I relived.

Muted since our first date.

I blamed the travel restrictions

March 16, 2020, when New Zealand borders closed, I was in Germany, about to get ready to relocate and to join my partner finally. A year later, I am still under the same roof in Germany, wondering what the hell has happened. To me, to us, to my dream to finally relocate to a country and a man I love.

Today is January 8, 2021, and I am alone and numb. My partner and best friend, too until now—vanished during the Christmas vacations in the New Zealand bushes.

I last heard from him just after boxing day. Not a word since. I have been squashed between grief, anger, loneliness, and bitter regrets. I cannot grasp what happened. Delivered messages remained unanswered. It almost feels like a death I can’t mourn.

I recalled New Zealand’s summer glow while the roof over my head was coming down. The second lockdown made things worse. Had it not been for the travel restrictions, I would now reside in New Zealand. Circling images made me bang my head against the wall over and over again. I couldn’t believe I am this unfortunate.

I’ve played this drama, changed costumes and postures and stages — but it always left me with the same trepidation — sadness and despair.

I lost my voice, not my partner

After many sleepless nights, I woke up this morning with a different mindset. I’m not sure if I had a download or simply accepted that something has to change. How did I end up where I am right now?

Recently, I met my voice in a hypnotherapy session. It sat in a cave on a velvety cushion, a sharp-edged blue stone. And when it finally spoke, I fell.

“I will not reintegrate unless you promise to use me,” it said in a steady voice. I remember how I touched my throat, the seat of the fifth chakra that speaks the truth.

I had lost my voice when I was a young kid.

Under enormous pressure, I made the vow to never speak up no matter what anyone would do to me. Ever. And in this cave now, I was forced to face the result of such promise. That I’ve never really raised my voice in a relationship, no matter how abusive a man has behaved with me. That I swallowed whatever mud was thrown at me.

I kept my voice muted—which I mistook for peace—and my head a little too low. A mere reaction to external circumstances.

The emotion that came over me with this insight was massive. My body began to shake, and tears would flow endlessly. Only under my friend’s patient guidance was I finally able to stand up to the still fragile promise that I would do my best to wax it and retrain its muscles.

Truth hurts, but silence kills

So, here I am at the beginning of a new year, a new dawn, and stare at all the “I kept quiet” scars of which there are so many.

The fear of losing him has kept me in a beautifully embellished cage where I nearly died, emotionally.

It’s enough and time to bring that beautiful voice of mine back into life. It may sound a little rusty at first. It still feels shaky as I bring up all my courage to pen down these words leave alone read them out loud. But slowly, I begin to discern that whatever happened has nothing to do with him. Whatever happened at a time,

I gave it a belief that I was not worthy of being loved, not worthy of being treated respectfully, not worthy of being seen as the woman I am aspiring to be. Not worthy of raising my voice against male humiliation.

Though my heart is still numb from pain, I know I have to move on. And that I deserve love in its most pleasing sense. It’s there once I let go of what no longer serves me.

Today, I woke up from a long and thorny sleep. Today, I made a promise to myself: to forever cherish the person I am who has all the reasons to be loved, respected, and adored — and this journey begins with my head up high and unmuting myself!

Thank you for reading my story.

If you enjoyed the read, you may also like the following article published in The Masterpiece.