I Need a Phone Divorce I said to the AT&T Service Representative

You’re not alone he replied.

My ex-man/boyfriend, oh let’s call him my faux-beau, charmed me into adding a phone-line for him on my work-discounted phone plan. The choice to allow this addition to my phone bill created a reoccuring resentment on my part. The phone bill paved the path to the end.

I had to remind my faux-beau to pay his share of the bill, every month. I found this beyond irritating. I womaned-up and told him how much it bothered me to be responsible for his responsibility.

Faux-beau of course was better for a month or two then went back to asking how much he owed. It was the same every f’ing month, “put me on auto-pay” I suggested. He didn’t want to do that. “I keep saying I’ll give you a check when I see you then I never see you.” This was by his own design. I rarely saw him in person at this point. He was shrinking his world and I was trying to expand mine.

I get a text from AT & T, the passcode had been changed. Out of the blue, faux-beau changed the account passcodes.

Then faux-beau’s data usage changed-it never changed.

I checked the call record — five numbers that have nothing to do with his too little life of to work-back home, to grocery-back home, to pharmacy-back home, to the nation (cheap cigarettes)-back home.

One number repeated. Time on each call became longer. As a means of reminding him, yet again, to pay his bill, I called and asked, “Who lives in Rochester?” “Old school chum.” Yes-he actually said chum.

I knew he was lying. He once said “Lying is always justified. It saves one from pain.” I had already called the number. A cheery woman answered. I said, “Your number was showing up on my phone bill are you friends with ….. “ She hung up.

I told him I thought he should get his own phone bill. This man with an IQ of 142 said, “I don’t know how to do that.” Granted he was on his mother’s account when I met him. Her phone was still under her deceased husband’s name. He had been gone for 15 years. Faux-beau asked to be on my phone when his mother passed away. I said yes not wanting to add to grieving faux-beau’s burdens.

I had tried several times over the decade to get him off my bill, but it was ultra complicated.

Now that he was clearly on to someone new, I called AT & T and asked, “What do I need to do to get a phone divorce ?” The nice young man let out a chortle. “Oh, ma’am. You are not alone-I need one too.”

The process was much simpler now. All faux-beau had to do was go to the website, click one button and done. I texted and e-mailed faux-beau the link and instructions. I was so looking forward to the next faux-beau free phone bill!

NOPE! he was still on the bill. I called AT & T back. I chatted with a delightful woman from the south this time. “My phone divorce didn’t work! Please HELP me.” She laughed as well, “Oh honey, I get it! Mine couldn’t navigate his way out of a shoe-box!” She clicked a few buttons on her end and made it so faux-beau would have to “opt-out” of being removed rather than agreeing to being removed.

As it required no effort on his part my phone bill was, at long last, faux-beau free! Now, I just have to get him to change his emergency contact number — his doctor’s office keeps calling me about his missed appointments. Clearly they are unaware that he’s Miss Rochester’s problem now.

For more on how relationships drift apart check out this article I bumped into by Phoebe Kirke

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