Summary

The author learns to reconcile complex emotions, such as feeling both grateful and sad about missing her son's wedding due to her husband's Covid diagnosis, by embracing the power of the word "and."

Abstract

The article discusses the author's journey in understanding and accepting mixed emotions through the use of the conjunction "and." The author shares a personal experience of feeling both grateful for her husband's recovery from Covid and simultaneously sad for missing her son's wedding. The article highlights the importance of acknowledging multiple emotions without judgment and the harmful effects of unhelpful advice that dismisses one's feelings. By learning to embrace all her emotions without the need to prioritize one over the other, the author finds a new level of emotional freedom and encourages readers to practice this approach in their self-talk.

Opinions

The author believes that reconciling emotions using "and" can alleviate negative feelings such as guilt and shame.
The article suggests that comparing one's pain to others' is unproductive and can lead to toxicity.
It is conveyed that emotions are complex and should not be forced into neat, mutually exclusive categories.
The author emphasizes the importance of a supportive friend who can provide guidance during times of emotional turmoil.
The article criticizes the societal pressure of the "shoulds" — the idea that one should feel a certain way in any given situation.
The author promotes the idea of casting all emotions upon a higher power, implying a spiritual or religious perspective on coping with feelings.
The article encourages readers to practice self-compassion and to express their emotions freely without self-judgment.

I Missed My Son’s Wedding Because of Covid AND I Learned to Reconcile My Emotions About It

The Power of the Little Word ‘and’

Mixed emotions have always confused me. How can we be sad and relieved at the same time? Or how can we be thankful but still wanting? How can we cry tears of joy?

By using the simple word ‘and’ I’ve learned to reconcile multiple emotions at once and relieve myself of negative thoughts like guilt, shame, or failure.

My friend, Marla, taught me the power of ‘and’ one day when we were having a Facebook Messenger morning conversation. I can’t remember what I was lamenting about but it was probably something like this:

I should feel grateful that my husband is okay but I can’t help feeling sad that I missed my son’s wedding because my husband had Covid.

I am sure you’ve had similar conversations with your trusted bestie or with God or even with yourself. Hopefully, you have a wise friend like Marla who can walk you through times of high emotion.

Unhealthy advice and self-talk

Of course, the well-intentioned advice from others can contribute to the confusion and guilt we feel around our emotions.

Like the time I was dealing with a lot of stress, sadness, and grief because of my son’s chronic illness, and someone that did not know all we had been through said, “Well, it could always be worse.”

Let’s just say I didn’t take that advice very well and I told her so. And yet, it laid a heavy load of guilt and shame on my shoulders. The type of guilt and shame I tend to feel every time I’m struggling with a burden and the emotions that come along with it.

How dare we feel bad that we lost our job during the pandemic when others lost their lives.

How selfish to want a promotion or raise — you should be grateful you even have a job.

Yes, you have cancer but at least it’s treatable — think about all the people who never get that chance.

This type of advice and self-talk is unhelpful for several reasons. For one, pain and stress cannot be compared like apples to apples from person to person. Each of us carries things differently and has multiple challenges that create extenuating circumstances.

You will never speak to anyone more than yourself in your head, be kind to yourself. — Unknown

Another reason being forced to feel one emotion over another is harmful is because we are complex creatures. Our feelings do not convey into neat boxes or files, they mingle together in a soupy mess that makes it hard for us to separate what is really causing us the most pain. Being able to talk through these feelings can help but adding judgment on top of them is a recipe for toxicity.

And lastly, we don’t have to choose which feelings are appropriate because God wants us to cast everything on Him. I can feel grateful that my husband survived Covid and praise God for that, but I can also feel a sense of sadness and loss that I was not able to travel to my son’s wedding.

Neither of these feelings is better than the other or more valid. They just are.

Learning the power of this simple word ‘and’ has helped me reduce the negative feelings of guilt and shame and let go of the “shoulds” that plague me. Learning to not judge my emotions, to sit with them until I learn what they want to teach me, and to freely express myself using the conjunction ‘and’ has added a level of freedom I was unable to live in before.

Try adding ‘and’ to your self-talk and see how it changes your perspective!

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