The Dirty Word Women Need to Stop Saying

‘Should’ is the modern woman’s shackle.

‘Should’ is the modern woman’s shackle. It ties us to guilt and shame and “never good enough.” — Mary Gallagher

I have my list of personal ‘shoulds’ and I am sure you do too. I’ve carried them around like a ball and chain. They kept me bound to societal pressures, family expectations, religious rules, and my own unrealistic expectations of perfection.

Our ‘should’ lists can contain the hard stuff: I should call the friend I lost touch with; I should visit my mother-in-law; I should lose 35 pounds. Or they can be senseless things that we have somehow elevated to the status of life-altering or necessary in order to be a good mom, wife, friend.

Shoulds like: I should document every first day of school like a good mom would. or I should make homemade lunches and sew my own pillows only serve to drain emotional energy that could be used in loving ourselves and others.

Over time, our shoulds become shameful and guilt-ridden tasks that probably don’t matter anymore. Or maybe never mattered that much in the first place.

Aside from saying “I’m sorry” for everything and anything, the most common thing I hear women say is the S-word in a self-shaming manner. I know I should do this or that. Or in the negative form: I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I do. I know I shouldn’t care what people think but I do.

I heard someone say: Stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself. Yes, it sounds a lot like what we are doing — piling crap on ourselves and then wondering why we feel worthless and drained.

Why do women carry guilt and expectations like a too-heavy cloak? Why do we subject ourselves to these shoulds? Not all women do, of course — I envy those who dance freely through life comfortable in their own skin and identity. It’s a gift.

For most of us, it takes decades of shoulding on ourselves to reach a point where we say “Enough!” It’s usually during the Queen stage of life that we find our voice. The kids are flown, the house is quiet, there’s lots of opportunity for introspection, time to reflect, and key in on what really matters in life.

Sadly, some women never find freedom from the shoulds, the expectations and duties placed on them by others. My mother only found peace when dementia stole her ability to worry.

Some felt bad for her; I saw her for the first time not ravaged by shame and guilt. She no longer chewed her fingernails in anxiety worrying about what she needed to do for everyone else.

I’m choosing to shed the shoulds now, while I have life left to live.

I started out small: I stopped painting my toenails. Why should I? I asked and there was no good reason.

I started leaving dishes in the sink overnight — it was hard at first: I should clean up the kitchen, but who was grading me on my spic-n-span sinks and countertops? Just me.

I stopped trying to meet the expectations of others by stating what I was willing to do and what I wasn’t and leaving it at that — explanations and apologies not needed. At this stage of the game, their opinion of me is already formed so why bother trying to raise the bar to such outlandish extremes?

I became aware of using weak language — a common way that women self-sabotage — and started stating my opinion with a period. No more: I think, or maybe this is a good idea, or I don’t know about you, but I was just thinking…

I stepped up my active voice and weeded out the passive. If I don’t know what I think, why would anyone else care?

Simple steps to shed the shoulds

If you’re ready to shed the shoulds, make a list of all the things hanging over your head and then ask yourself why they matter — or if they do — and what would be the worst thing that would happen if you stopped doing them.

Next, take stock of your language, how you talk to yourself, about yourself, and to others. If you find you apologize all the time, try saying thank you instead. Here is an example: I’m sorry I forgot that appointment becomes Thank you for understanding how we all make mistakes.

Start a journal. It’s a great way to get to know yourself all over again — or maybe for the first time. Don’t hold back! Pour out what you think, feel, and dream about. Look for patterns and connections and then start taking action on those things.

Make a vision board. Cut out pictures and words that strike you as meaningful or something that lifts your heart. Our subconscious mind is often trying to tell us things, and through art and creativity, we can unlock those messages.

Whenever I’m feeling stuck I create a vision board and look for patterns. I bet your vision board won’t be filled with any of the things that are on your should list!

Start saying “no” if you’ve been a lifelong people pleaser. The transformation won’t happen overnight but you have to start somewhere.

Clean out your closets and drawers. Why? Because this is where we hide a lot of our shoulds. The scrapbooks we should finish but don’t have time for. The clothes we should try to fit into but just bring shame and guilt every time we look at them.

Trust me, you’ll feel ten pounds lighter and ten years younger just by cleaning out your closets. Enlist a friend to help if this is a stubborn area for you.

Banish ‘should’ from your vocabulary. When you find yourself using the S-word, be prepared to replace it with something else or reframe the thought. We can’t stop a habit without having something to put in its place.

Develop a few affirmations that you can use to take the place of the guilty thoughts and words that arise. Instead of I should ______, you could say, I am working on _______, or I choose to ______.

I should close now and go clean the house but I am banishing should from my conscious language, so I’ll just bid you farewell, thank you for reading, and invite you to shed your shoulds along with me. ~Mary.

I’m leading the way for women to walk away from stress and learn to say yes to less. Want to join?

We help each other every day say no, shed shoulds, and find our authentic voices. Join here: Simple Life Simple Faith.