avatarMarcus aka Gregory Maidman

Summarize

I Have the Mark of Cain

How deep is the Fisher-King wound? Not so deep that it cannot be transcended and repurposed.

Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash

[Subscribers, after seeing David Perlmutter discover and highlight this mostly three-year-old piece today, I decided to share it with you.]

I wrote this in or about May 2020. I published it on my Medium.com page in September 2020. It now contains 3.28.23 and 12.26.20 addenda.

Part I:

It appeared in Latency, of that much I am sure, but when did I first notice it — late Latency? Early puberty? I remember thinking how odd — do I have a birthmark that I hadn’t noticed or is this discoloration some random occurrence? Anyway, I didn’t care much, actually I could not have cared less, and when anyone asked me about what they assumed to be a burn scar of sorts, I would say it’s a birthmark, which I decided it was, sometimes with a well-timed flip of the bird; which as you will learn, was the last of several arrows aimed by The Hunter from various places, times and distances converging on a fixed point in time and space; that being my Heart, barely if at all starting to heal from the loss of my darling Lindsey, now a new and unknown cluster of pain pockets hiding deep within, burst like a volcano whence only Love should reside.

Once my unconscious mind was pierced by Orion’s keen eye, memory of an elephant, and intuition, split screens kept appearing wherever there had been an inconsistency until it all fell into place. Do not fret. While the walls holding back the pain need to crumble from my screams, like the walls of Jericho felled by the gutturally primal shrills of 1,000s of shofars, and even though from a great height I may fall, Humpty Dumpty I am not, and with A Little Help from my Friends and Loved ones, I shall be upright in no time at all.

I have made a decision not to burden you all and stain your souls by me imposing what I have uncovered about the whys and the why behind the whys that lead to the sad Portrait of this Artist as a Young Man. If anyone wants to know, I will share as much or as little as needed to quench any thirst you may have for the Truth and hope that you can stomach the journey into the Heart of Darkness. The lies, the lies, the lies. The layered manipulations of everyone he touches. The horror, the horror, the horror.

Those of you who choose the blue pill, I hope you can have faith that my actions are not only justified, they are correct — my mother’s pain I think she will in the end happily bear when she sees how I emerge; and she will be rewarded not only by seeing her creation rise like the Phoenix from the ashes of destruction wrought by that “man; ” but by enjoying the afterlife of her choosing, because this is how my Mommy’s sweet empathic soul defines Love of her Creations:

“The love for a grandchild is partly the miracle of your children producing another generation and the fact that you can hopefully see them develop into wonderful human beings. Also seeing the world from their perspective. They all have strengths and weaknesses which is normal.

The love for my children is unconditional and even though I may not always “like” what they do it does not affect the emotional love.”

Biological father never understood the direction that unconditional love flows in a parent—child relationship; he feels he has nothing to earn and that we must earn his love, which now that I see it for what it is, there was no love to earn anyway. He is the archetypical covert narcissist. I hope they broke the mold.

I expect to arrive at a course of action that only requires Mommy to suffer the pain of her son despising David with every cell presently in his body not only for what he did to me, but all the more so for what he did to that beautiful, sweet, empathic Virgin, targeted for destruction by him and his sick, twisted perverted mother. I hope my Mommy does not find out that her entire adult life has been a lie of his making. I would gladly take Richard Maidman as my dad over this “person.” I do not exaggerate.

I know she will not read this unless the Universe wants that from her.

It’s funny how sometimes one sentence uttered can stand out to me my entire life. I have never forgotten Richard’s best-friend-other-than-Sandy (I loved and adored Sandy by the way), Richard Otto spontaneously saying to me 25–30 years ago “Your uncle possesses all of the worst and all of the best qualities that” exist across the human race, all in just one man. Only the former is true of [too skeeved out right now to give it any name].

There is nothing more to say here. The meaning of the Mark of Cain and the Fisherking’s wound will appear elsewhere. Or there is a great YouTube video by a scholar named Boaz.

[deleted YouTube video deleted]

As my Hebrew name says, God is Gracious, and thus I am able to declare that my Name is Yôḥānān Gregorius, DNA from Mommy and David, ignition of cell division and so much of who I am from Marcus and Marcus’ lives before this one, nurture by Mommy, and many thanks to all my friends and loved ones, who will please continue to call me Greg;” but as no light is too bright for my eyes, the nickname Shades is gone.

I am pleased with my art. And amazed at what I uncovered in a mere 42 minutes after the first paragraph of this essay gave me the strength to see with all of me; and sickened to my core.

Part II:

Several days ago, when Part I streamed easily out of my subconscious, I patted myself on the back for what I had uncovered. The process by which I discerned that my odd mark was my mark of Cain, is interesting and generally instructive on the interpretation of coincidences, which will be the subject matter of another essay.

The meaning of the mark, both generally and to me, which is discussed in what were three paragraphs following this, I have now relegated to a lengthy footnote, because that which I thought was so important, the revelation of the specifics of the damage purposely inflicted upon me, I realize now, much to my surprise, barely has any relevance.¹

I wrote Part I in red font [this was a personal journaling in an MS Word file long before I published it here and Medium does not afford us font or color options] to symbolize the diabolical evil behind the abuse and my seething anger at my father. Now I come at this from an entirely different place than I was just a few days ago. First, I do not need to justify my decision to myself or anyone else with specifics. The analysis I undertook of which personality disorder could lead a man to psychologically abuse his child as I was, makes for a good read and I had hyperlinked it here, but I have decided it’s just unnecessarily inflammatory and what you believe or imagine happened, and how you judge my decision no longer matters one iota. What matters is that my light is shining through the darkness and that I am at peace with my decision regardless of what anyone else thinks. This is why I dropped all plans to lay out for you who my father is and, attempt to prove it to you. I can see the cynics saying well isn’t that convenient for you Greg, you can’t prove it nor admit error. We do not accept you’re your decision and deem you mean, selfish and unstable.

Hence not convenient at all. I have the courage of my convictions that defy societal constructs. The paradigm shift found me.

My spiritual journey led me to that for which I did not know I was searching. Sure, I found the meaning of life and God and all that jazz, including spirituality and rejection of religion (essays or Parts of this to come), but I now know what I found above all just as I finish these words. I found Myself; I realize the anger I manifested was actually anger at Self. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me for years, shame on me; and I have forgiven myself.

I still have much yet to learn — it’s a lifelong journey — learning is the meaning of life.

¹So what is the “Mark of Cain?” “Literally,” it is the mark that the bible says God placed on Cain’s forehead so that he and his family would be known in the land to which they were banished. Known for what, and why? There are of course different interpretations, and I of course shall relate the one posited by Hermann Hesse in Demian, the book that found me at Harris’ suggestion, and of which I still have not read the last chapter, but in an ode to my dear canceled father, I read the last few pages the other night, and now I get the overarching point of the book — any answer we need, and all the strength and wisdom one needs to handle any situation, lies within us if one knows how to access them.

Demian’s interpretation is that the mark identifies the bearer as a person of great courage who has known both good and evil, and that, essentially, and perhaps this is my twist, this person is now under the protection of angels and messengers and spirit guides, and try as you might to harm the bearer, while you may surely cause pain, the result will be Divine. Oft quoted is: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” I tell you that moreover, Darkness cannot extinguish Light; Love is stronger than Evil. I am living proof.

When I envisioned my depiction for you of why I display the mark, I was going to lay bare the scars and hope you would believe that a father could do to a son what I allege, with the devious guerilla psychological warfare far outweighing what everyone has assumed did happen. Part of me would hope that you would not believe me — because to believe means you have been somehow scarred, because this stuff would make a head-shaking episode of Criminal Minds without any visceral images. Most of me believes that anyone who loves me knows I would not tell tales of abuse unless I was certain of my convictions.

3/28/2023 Addendum:

Not long after my spiritual awakening, I perceived that my father had physically molested me when I was a young child. My channeler, Ane, both from her intuition, and based upon what all the spirit guides she channeled for me stated, said that he had abused me psychologically but not physically. My visceral and intense emotional reaction to my belief made this difficult for me to accept. Then it occurred to me to ask whether I had experienced something in a past life that could explain my reaction.

In June, I canceled my father. As I have stated in many essays, my reasons for doing so are not because I perceived in May that I had been subjected to a very brief period of power-based molestation. In fact, my guides said it had not happened. So, as is my INTP nature (yup, HSP and INTP — oh joy), my deeply visceral reaction in May has not made sense to me, that is until Saturday, when I decided to ask my guides if I had any sexual trauma in past lives…

Yes.

In a very recent past life, probably my last one, I incarnated as a middle eastern woman raped by three males. I carried that woman’s father’s shame to the grave with me. So, in addition to my reasons in this lifetime, canceling my father was necessary to empty pain-pocket-carry-over from that life.

December 26, 2020 Addendum

That I endured 50+ years of intentional acts of sabotage by my father is relevant only in that that it focuses me on the true significance to me of my Mark — I have been exposed to diabolical evil, and rather than seek vindication by swimming against the currents to prove my case, which reeks of resentment, my voice, onomatopoetically heard as the tat tat tat clicking of the keyboard, is loudest and clearest when used for future good — when it offers transcendence to those who wish to hear.

Spirituality
Molestation
Spiritual Growth
Forgiveness
Transcendence
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