I Have Been Thinking About Whether It’s Okay to Call My Ex Toxic

Here’s the answer I’ve given myself

The other day, I ran into an article here on Medium that encouraged readers to stop calling their ex — or other people in their life they don’t get along with — “toxic” or “narcissistic”.

Admittedly, during the last month, I did share some pieces in which I label my previous relationship and my last ex as “toxic”. Was I superficial for doing so? After some reflection, this is my very personal take on it.

First of all, I agree you shouldn’t call everyone you don’t get along with or that did something bad to you “toxic”, and even less “a narcissist”. That wouldn’t be very reasonable.

I also agree with the author of that piece that there is a worrying epidemic of calling everyone we don’t like a “narcissist” and slapping mental health labels on people without being professionally equipped to do so.

On one hand, I think most people with basic literacy skills can properly read and interpret the traits that the DSM enumerates as parts of narcissistic personality disorder. Most likely, they are also able to recognize them in the people around them.

However, I see three big problems with trying to home-diagnose these individuals:

• The first problem: when it comes to exes and other people in our life, we are not objective at all, as we are part of the dynamics, too.
• The second problem: the DSM and its classification of personality disorders as identifiable and homogeneous diseases are mainly based on observations, rather than very solid science. I’d encourage everyone to take everything they read in there with a grain of salt.
• The third problem: our atomized and consumeristic society is intrinsically narcissistic. So, I bet we can find narcissistic traits in most of the people that we meet in our everyday life, and — guess what? — even in ourselves.

I’ll go first: I do see some narcissistic traits in myself.

As a matter of fact, I also can see narcissistic traits in my ex — as well as in a couple of other ex-partners of mine. To be honest, I can see some narcissistic traits in many of my friends (sorry, guys) and members of my family, too.

Does that mean me, my ex, my other exes, my family and my friends are all the same, or behave all the same?

No, of course, no. Absolutely no. And also luckily no.

The narcissistic traits I see in myself are, for example, that I’m sometimes a bit too worried about looks and appearances. That there were times in the past when — I recognize now — I needed to be admired to feel good about myself. Also, there were instances in my life when I behaved — admittedly — in an entitled way and I didn’t consider other people’s feelings too much when making my choices.

Not that I ever planned on being cruel or selfish, but surely I didn’t think enough about the consequences of my actions.

To be clear, I’m not proud of any of this.

Anyway, this is not my behavior at all times, though it did happen.

If someone was very affected by my actions at that point and emerged from interacting with me with a strong impression of my narcissistic traits, I would understand why.

But let’s go back to my ex.

The way my ex was narcissistic was very different from what I described so far about myself.

It mainly consisted in him being extremely insecure and raging out at the slightest (real or not) perception of criticism. He was behaving in a narcissistic way every time he was having full-blown-out anger outbursts caused by his not liking my choices, and every time he couldn’t accept me showing feelings, beliefs, or opinions that were any different from his.

In all these instances, he was both narcissistic and abusive as he would show zero compassion for me, and zero emotional understanding of me as an equally respectable, integer, and sacred human being.

He would simply see me as the enemy, and try to tear me down psychologically.

And I don’t even think he was doing that on purpose.

He just couldn’t help it.

So, I recognize that describing someone as a narcissist doesn’t say much about who they are and what they do.

The way I am (or was) a narcissist isn’t the same way my last ex is a narcissist. That all would still be very different by how some of my previous exes were narcissists, or some of my friends or family members are.

In conclusion, I find the term too generic and not adding up to good writing. The so-called narcissistic traits are in fact widespread — though in different combinations in different people.

Regarding making full-blown diagnoses of personality disorders, I would advise everyone who is not a professional to refrain from that.

I may find a lot of resonance between several personality disorders in the DSM and what I came to learn about my ex, but I would never say or write anything about that with any certainty. First of all, I’m not a psychiatrist and I don’t have an objective point of view on the topic. Second — as I explained above — I’m not even sure if these personality disorders amount to anything scientifically meaningful at all.

Now — with the term “toxic”, I think the story is different.

“Toxic” is certainly a more subjective and metaphoric term than “narcissist”.

For this reason, I don’t see anything bad in me occasionally using it in my (anonymous) writing if I am under the impression that he did poison my life and left my spirit in a much worse state compared to how he found it.

Not only it seems fitting to me. I also know that — because I’m writing about the topic of my last relationship extensively — I am offering enough explanations for my word choice to the readers.

Anyway, in most scenarios, I wouldn’t use this word when talking about him or to him in real life, because I feel like this wouldn’t help convey my points. He and other people could see it as an oversimplification of who he is, and stop listening to my otherwise valid concerns about his behavior.

There is a basic difference between writing and talking, between addressing readers on Medium and people who are personally involved in the subject, and — finally — between scribbling anonymously and giving a point of view on a given person in real life.

The latter options all require a bit more carefulness and tact.

But what exactly is a “toxic partner” to me?

Look, let me start with what a toxic partner isn’t.

For context: I certainly had some (minor or major) issues with all of my previous partners, in the past — which is why each and every one of those relationships is now over. I would even go as far as saying that a couple of my exes were objectively bad boyfriends, meaning not very honest or committed to me.

Still, I wouldn't describe any of them as “toxic”.

That is simply because I never felt as threatened (in my dignity or my physical integrity) by any of them as by my last ex. He made me feel unsafe and explicitly tried to put me down numerous times.

Let me be even clearer.

To me, it is simply not acceptable or justifiable to be called a whore or to be sex-shamed by anyone (with or without reasons, and to make things worse, he had no reason) — boyfriend or not. And it is simply not acceptable to feel scared during a fight with anyone — boyfriend or not.

(I probably would never admit that to any person I know in real life, but in one of his first outbursts, I got so scared that, while he was not watching, I hid all of my big kitchen knives in a locked closet I have. Later, when taking them out again, I gaslighted myself into thinking how exaggerated I was for feeling as in danger as I had previously felt.)

All of this for me is toxic and I reclaim the right to say so in my writing.

Does this all mean that I don’t feel any compassion for him?

No. I do feel compassion for him, and always will. I can’t help it.

I know his life wasn’t easy, and I can just imagine how much pain it takes to treat in that way the very person that loves you (however bad you think they have messed up).

Do I think he treated me well on other occasions, and that — apart from these toxic moments — he was potentially a good boyfriend?

I do, and that is why I stayed with him for so long and tried for so long to understand what was wrong with “us”… until I finally accepted that is who he is, and this is what he does. This is also the reason why I still miss him very badly, despite knowing that breaking up was the right thing for me to do.

Finally, do I justify in any way his toxic behaviors towards me, and possible similar behaviors towards previous or future partners, friends, family members (let alone our child)?

Also no.

No one deserves to be treated as I was sometimes treated by him.

And I will certainly not accept anything similar for my little one.

So yes, for me and to me, my ex was toxic, very toxic.

Of course, people might need to dig a bit better into my story to fully understand what I mean by this word. Anyway, at the moment, it is the best descriptor I have for his effects on me.

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