A MuddyUm Prompt

I Hate Vinegar

You should too

I’m not gonna be cute or glib; I’m not gonna be arty about it.

I mean, I hesitate to even classify this as a ‘food,’ because I genuinely can’t understand why anybody would willingly ingest this crap into their body, but they do, so there you go.

Vinegar is literally garbage.

You know when you walk by a dumpster in the city during the summer and you smell that familiar pungent smell? Well it’s not because somebody has purposely dumped a gallon of the stuff to keep the rats from eating all the refuse, that’s the natural byproduct of decomposition of the actual refuse in the dumpster.

So it’s not even garbage. It’s garbage juice.

What kind of maniac smelled that and decided, “hmm, that might go good on a big pile of lettuce?

This might seem like an exaggeration but if you offered me ten grand to eat a whole bowl of salad with vinegar and not immediately throw it up, I honestly don’t know if I could do it.

I really don’t get it. Do you people not smell this shit? Do you not find it vomit-inducing? Do you not have a nose? Are we the same species?

In nature, things have a strong, pungent odor as a defense mechanism so that they won’t be eaten by foraging animals, but we as humans seem to think we are better than this. We have evolved to the point where we tell nature to fuck off: “I will put whatever horrible, putrid garbage juice I want to in my body and I don’t care what you say!”

And it’s not only a food now, against all logical sense, people use vinegar to ‘clean!’

There’s a brand of cleaning products that proudly touts its use in lieu of dangerous chemicals, which begs the question: what are you gonna use to clean off the vinegar smell that remains? My suggestion would be industrial-strength lye or that liquid fire that Aristotle mentioned in the Nicomachean Ethics.

This might all seem rather childish, if not hyperbolic, but if you know me in real life, you are aware that my actual reaction is more extreme.

I’m not one of these gun nuts from the South or anything, but I did get my concealed carry license for this purpose alone.

I’m not saying I will actually shoot anybody for pouring malt vinegar all over their fish and chips, because it’s never yet come to that.

They go for the bottle, I go for my piece and that’s that. Who do you think is gonna back down? Probably not the guy who feels so strongly about the subject that he passed a rigorous background check and pays over two thousand dollars in fees on an annual basis.

I will wrap this up now because even writing about this subject turns my stomach. But in summation:

A. Vinegar is garbage juice.

2. If you like vinegar you are evil.

D. 30 years on and this numbering joke from Home Alone is still funny.

A very special thanks to BOFace for his help and thanks to Susan Brearley for tagging me in this!