Relationships/Divorce
I Had Sex With Someone Else Before My Divorce Was Final — Is That Considered Cheating?
This doesn’t necessarily need to be agreed upon.
I left my ex-husband one day and never looked back.
However, it took almost two years to finally get the final divorce papers completed.
During those two years, my ex and I had no contact at all. We were over — with absolutely no chance of getting back together. So, when I had a dalliance with another man nine months after I left my ex-husband, was I technically cheating on him?
This question never occurred to me in the almost twenty years since my first marriage ended — until someone brought up the thought that unless you’re technically divorced from someone when you have sex with another person, you cheated on them.
Hmm.
I have a few issues with this scenario — the first one being that I don’t consider myself to be a cheater by any stretch of the imagination. I was completely loyal to my ex-husband throughout the six years we were together — even during the worst of times when many people wouldn’t have blamed me for cheating on him.
Additionally — to me — a relationship is a relationship no matter how many formalities you pile on top of it. A marriage certificate can’t fix a bad relationship and a divorce certificate doesn’t necessarily signify when an already dead relationship is officially over.
If two people who were married mutually agree that they are no longer in a romantic relationship anymore, I don’t necessarily think it’s the worst of sins to have had sex with another person after that decision was made, even if the divorce papers aren’t finalized yet. However, I can see why many people might feel more morally comfortable waiting until a divorce is complete before embarking upon a new sexual relationship.
It’s really about a mindset. In my particular situation, my marriage was dead long before I even physically left our mutual dwelling. The abuse was escalating so rapidly that I was lucky to get out alive. That said, my intention was never to scorn my ex by sleeping with another man. That happened quite surprisingly after we had been separated.
I never wanted to be unfaithful to my ex-husband. I never wanted our marriage to fail. But it did. And after I left him, I found a temporary solace somewhere else. This wasn’t a betrayal. It was just the next phase of my own journey.
The truth is that I’ll never know if my ex-husband was faithful to me or if he entered into any other sexual relationships after I left him. If he did, then so be it.
Our relationship was dead long before the proverbial ink was dry on the divorce papers.
Yes, I had sex before my divorce was final. No, I don’t consider it to be cheating. Do others think it’s cheating? Perhaps. This doesn’t necessarily need to be agreed upon.
Ultimately, every relationship is different and the definition of cheating might vary from person to person. But it’s pretty clear to me. If you’re engaged in a committed, monogamous, intimate, sexual relationship with another person then you should be loyal to that person. Cheating on them is wrong.
If you're married to someone yet separated from them and you're not seeing them, sleeping with them, or engaging with them in any way but you’re not officially divorced yet — the lines could get more blurry for certain people.
In my case, I didn’t cheat on anyone I was actively in a relationship with. I simply moved on before my divorce was final.
That’s enough for me.
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