I Had No Idea This Was the Moment I Dangerously Angered a Narcissist
The narcissist’s wrath followed shortly afterward
“Colleen betrayed me,” says my husband.
“Colleen was communicating with you,” says our marriage counselor.
“She betrayed me,” repeats my husband.
His anger visibly seething.
I sit silently.
I’m shocked at this revelation.
“Ralph,” says our marriage counselor. “Do you think Colleen would ever cheat on you?,” he asks.
“No,” says my husband. “Of course, not. Colleen would never do that.”
“Ralph,” asks our marriage counselor. “Are you capable of forgiveness?”
Now my husband and I are both silent.
I wait for my husband’s response.
He says nothing. I’m stunned. I have no words. I am completely clueless. I have no idea my husband has been quietly but dangerously angry at me for several years.
It’s just now come out during this counseling session.
The impetus dates back to a moment of sharing my feelings.
Or so I thought.
“It feels lonely being married to you,” I say. “Sometimes I dream about meeting someone who would really be interested in me and care about me.”
When I tell my husband how I am feeling he has nothing to say. I now know why. He doesn’t view this as me expressing unhappiness or sharing my feelings.
He doesn’t respond because he views this as a betrayal.
A few sentences I have spoken.
I have no idea this is the moment I have dangerously angered a narcissist.
Worse, I don’t yet realize anger is what pushes a narcissist out of hiding.
This is when a narcissist can become more obvious. Narcissists can’t control themselves once you’ve angered them. Narcissists are unable to conceal their need for punishment, revenge, and retribution once a narcissist believes they have been wronged.
But it’s not unusual for something to precede this.
When you attempt to leave a narcissist their instinct will be to win.
To be precise…A narcissist will first attempt to win you back.
This is what my husband did. Once I spoke those words, he knew I was serious and I was. I had been making plans to leave if only in my mind. I had walked through numerous scenarios.
He spent two years wining and dining me.
He took me on several vacations and bought me jewelry.
None of these things was our normal status quo.
Honestly, I didn’t think I would ever love my husband again. He had pushed me that far. The loneliness I felt was crushing. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced.
But again, I was a novice in the area of narcissism.
I didn’t know this was a symptom of loving and living with a narcissist.
Simply existing in another person’s world.
Slowly but surely, my husband successfully won me back. No one was more surprised than I was. I wish I had known this was part of what I now call the standard operating procedure of a narcissist.
The narcissist’s wrath started shortly afterward.
As soon as my husband felt he had again secured my commitment to him.
This is when all hell broke loose or should I say…
When all narcissistic hell broke loose.
A narcissist was seeking revenge, retribution, and punishment. Of course, I didn’t know this. I was still unaware a narcissist believed I had ‘betrayed’ him.
Nor did I realize a narcissist’s first instinct after that would be to ‘win’ me back.
A narcissist’s second instinct would be to make me pay.
Because in the narcissist’s mind, I had wronged him.
This is what began an amped-up cycle of narcissistic abuse. It had always been present, but covert narcissists aren’t as obvious. The pattern was more cyclical, less constant.
In true narcissistic fashion, the narcissist went after my Achilles heels.
He began uncharacteristically drinking and scaring our children and me. My father had been an alcoholic so a narcissist went directly for my weakness.
It was a two-tiered approach.
A narcissist tears you down and wears you down.
A narcissist weakens you to gain even more control over you.
Next, my husband began driving aggressively. I would sit frightened in the car. The same man who used to make me feel safe. I had a car accident when I was in college, and again, a narcissist went for my other Achilles heel.
This is the tip of the iceberg.
This will turn out to be a fool's play. The narcissistic wrath will abusively escalate and make the years of emotional abuse at the hands of a covert narcissist seem mild. I am no match for a narcissist’s angered retribution.
A little over two years after I spoke those words we are in marriage counseling.
My husband’s drinking is pushing me to leave him.
Once again, a narcissist (even angered) still wants to win me back.
This means the narcissist is willing to go to marriage counseling. This will be where I learn about the word empathy. It will be where a psychologist explains a lack of empathy and a narcissistic personality disorder on the extreme end of the spectrum.
This will be where my husband rejects the diagnosis of narcissism.
It will be where I learn something I am frighteningly unaware of.
The moment I dangerously angered a narcissist.
The exact moment a narcissist felt betrayed and wronged.
And the narcissistic wrath that will follow shortly afterward.
