I Got Married Without Having a Big-White-Wedding

Is my marriage now less worth?

I never dreamt of having a big-white-wedding. You might say then I’m not a girl. Well, I’m not. Not the kinda girl you know at least. I’m different. And I like it. I jump out of planes for fun. I don’t like wearing shoes. And my favorite color is yellow.

That much about me. Now back to the title. My relationship. I fell in love with an African. And don’t ask me why he’s not black. That’s racist. Read up about southern African history. He’s born in Africa. His parents too. And grandparents as well. There are white people living in Africa. This is not a racist saying. It’s just a statement.

If you are going to ask my husband why he’s white he’s going to say he’s sorry. He’s embarrassed about your lack of intelligence for asking this question. And he’s tired of answering this question. Over and over again.

And no. I didn’t travel to Africa to find a husband. Despite all Ghanaians expecting it from me when I was there in 2014. Apparently, that’s what we do. We fly to Africa to find a partner.

Guess what.

You’re right.

I’m different.

I flew to Africa to travel alone. I grew my independence and fell in love with the African continent. Before I fell in love with the Afrikaaner. A guy, desperate to leave the African continent.

We couldn’t be more different.

Yet we’re the perfect fit.

It wasn’t love at first sight. It was more like a long process. He had to fight for me. And he did. For over a year. That’s when I gave in. Or when I finally fell in love. And realized he’s the one.

But this is when all the trouble started. The trouble of having two different passports. The moment I realized how privileged I am for having a German passport.

Just because I’m born in Germany. Just because of that I can travel to almost 190 countries without needing to apply for a visa. This is what it’s like having one of the strongest passports in the world.

Most people won’t know about it. Because they either don’t have the funds to travel anywhere outside their country. Or they won’t know about their privilege because they’ve never known any different.

They’ve traveled all their life on their passport without issues. Not thinking about others. Not thinking others couldn’t travel as they do. Just because of a passport.

Like me. I never thought about it. Until I started traveling with my partner. And visiting my family in Germany became already a hassle.

Every holiday had to be planned months ahead. Because of visa requirements. And of visa application processes which can take months. And those visas are necessary. To travel. For those with a green passport.

They call it the “green mamba”. The African passport. It’s green. It’s like the Black Mamba. Which is a dangerous snake that will bite you. Just for being in their territory. But it’s green.

So here I am. Feeling guilty for all the privileges I have in life. Just because of where I was born. To make up for it I deal with all of the paperwork of my partner. Applying for a visa.

Requesting for your father’s place of birth and mom’s favorite color. About how much you’re earning at your current job, how much is on your account and if you’re actually allowed to take those ten days leave.

I’m not joking. That’s what they want to know. And much more. And you are going to answer it. If you’re one of those less privileged and still want to explore the world.

I’m sure, looking back at the title you’re saying now that’s why we got married. For the passport. But that’s not true. And it’s not that easy anyway. Getting married. In a foreign country.

It requires lots of paperwork. In this case, it was paperwork from my side. It kept me busy for almost a year collecting all those papers. Only being able to apply for them when in Germany.

We didn’t marry for the passport. I do know you might be thinking it but there’s something out there called love. And cultures and different countries can’t stop it.

We planned to get married because we loved each other. And still do. Despite all the hurdles in our way. Despite all the obstacles we had to overcome we are happily together.

Coming back to the wedding. You won’t see me in a white wedding dress. Ever. You’ll have to dig in my teenage photographs to find one. It was a girls’ trip to Freiburg, in the south of Germany. We all went to a brides shop and tried on wedding dresses. Just for fun.

And that was it. Not for me. You won’t see me in one again. I don’t understand this whole wedding thing. You’re wasting so much money you could spend on traveling the world. Or your future. Or anything that means something in life.

I don’t see a point in spending 30 000$ on a single day just to show off my life? Or why would you do that? This is apparently the average cost of an American wedding.

Doesn’t make sense to me. And you can see my priorities. Traveling. This is where our money will be spent. And is getting spent. In exploring new countries and cultures. Seeing the world.

We did go to the magistrate's court. It was during corona times. But I doubt it would have been any different with fewer restrictions from the outside. Our witnesses were a befriended couple. Married too. Similar-minded people.

Those two were the only people celebrating with us. I was wearing a yellow dress. A dress I might wear tomorrow again. Because I won’t buy a dress I wouldn’t be able to wear more than once.

I had flip-flops on. When walking into the magistrate's court. While my friends back home couldn’t believe it I said that was an upgrade. At least I wasn’t barefoot.

I love walking barefoot. Africans see bare feet as a sign of poverty. For me, it’s a feeling of being connected with nature. So here I am. Taking my flip-flops off as I leave the magistrate's court. Enough is enough.

Do you think my marriage is worth less? Because I didn’t have the big white wedding? Because I wasn’t wearing high heels? Because I wasn’t showing off my money to friends and family?

Because I simply decided marriage is a very personal thing and has nothing to do with our surroundings? I honestly don’t care what you think about it. Because we made our decision. We know what we mean to each other.

And we don’t think a big wedding celebration is important for our lives. I do understand the meaning of tradition and culture. But I don’t have to follow traditions. If I don’t like them.

I’m not wearing a ring either.

But that’s a totally different story for another day…

This was for my other half. And all those out there struggling to defend their decision of not having a standard wedding celebration. There’s nothing you need to be embarrassed about. Own it.

It’s your life. And it’s your marriage.

More about my relationship stories…

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