I Gave My Ex-Husband’s Fiance a Gift

I was feeling generous

Look, I’m a giver. I had to gift my ex-husband’s fiance something. It just wouldn’t be right. I kept racking my brain. What to give? What to give? It’s a riddle.

I thought and I thought.

I looked at all the second wife gifts. I looked at the bridal registries. Then I doubled back and looked at all the third wife gifts since technically this was her triple walk down the aisle.

You know what they say, third times the charm.

But do they say that about weddings? No matter. Back to shopping.

I was exhausted, outta ideas. I almost picked up a thing or two. But then I was like, I don’t wanna be cheap or anything. And I don’t want to go all embarrassing over the top either.

I was looking for a happy in-between.

I decided to ask for suggestions.

“Send her a thank you note,” said my friends.

“God bless her,” said my family. “Let her have ’em, that’s the gift.’

I adore that everyone I love was trying to simplify my life.

They’re givers just like me. It’s just never enough for them. They are selfless to the end. It’s like more and more and then more. Of course, the givers would say take him.

But I was still confused.

So I switched gears.

Forget the wedding, maybe I should buy a housewarming present. But then I remembered all those pesky foreclosure notices my boys and I got during the divorce. And I’m like, Nah! I don’t wanna bring up any bad memories when he’s starting his new life.

On account of him being broke and all.

We don’t want her to have buyer's remorse. At least not yet. Let her get all knee-deep, shoulders deep, over her head deep — kinda like me, before she cries uncle.

I don’t want him returned or anything.

Let's make sure there’s a wedding day warranty.

Gosh, that’s a good idea. A few decades too late. But it’s an awesome idea all the same. Gift-giving really gets the creative juices flowing.

Or maybe it’s the sudden inspiration of a big ring, a wedding, and a new house.

Just when I didn’t know where to turn when I couldn’t think of one logical gift for a man who took…I mean had everything. And an opportunist, I mean a woman who saw a great opportunity left me without any truly great ideas…

I had an epiphany.

I already gave my ex-husband’s fiance a gift.

Everything I bleeping financially (I’m nothing if not polite)

Worked for my entire life.

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