I Gained 22 Pounds for My Crush

I desperately needed a soul mate and that’s the reason I outrageously gained 22 lbs and put on some muscles.

You might be wondering how desperate I was until I did such an extreme change in my life to transform a skinny me into something that I could’ve never imagined myself to be.

Well, let me tell you a story. I have been single and I have never been in a relationship with anyone. I got rejected a lot of the times and I was one of those teens that didn’t talk to girls.

Growing up, I was a shy boy sitting on the middle-row seat in a high school’s classroom. I always tried to stay away from girls at all cost and I only hung out with my boys. Whenever a girl approached me, which rarely happened, I would act awkwardly around them and I made them not wanting to talk to me, ever again.

Nonetheless, I am straight and I liked a couple of them. I tried getting to know some through social media, and that’s about it. There were times where I got really close to a girl from my high school, via Snapchat. We seemingly got along pretty good. Her reply was quick and she seemed down for it. Well, that’s how I saw it.

Whenever I met her at school, I would turn into a completely different person and there was no “hi” or “hello” coming out of my mouth. I think, at that point, the girl already knew that there was something going on with me. Long story short, she bailed, just like any other girls before her.

Little did I know, high school life came to an end and I was saying goodbye to my friends and family, heading to a departure gate of Juanda International Airport, on my way to Sydney, Australia.

Once I got to college, the tables are turned and I started feeling more confident approaching girls. I tried to forget about my past and start all over again. I met some girls and I went out with a couple of them. Although, my talking-to-girls interpersonal skills levelled up, I still had no idea why I was not able to get into a relationship with any of them. Felt like there was something fundamentally wrong with myself. Maybe it was my face? Maybe it was my personality? Or was it my impatience? Was it something that I said to them? I just wished I knew.

Not long after that, in mid-June 2020, my friend asked me to start working out together. He said that we could build muscles together to kill some time. I was on a winter break and I had no plans. I didn’t see any reason to say no.

“Oh well, at least I could try putting on some fat and muscles to gain weight and get bigger. Just maybe, I could get into a relationship with someone after that.”

I was 55 kgs at the time and I was so into wanting to be in a relationship, which was crazy for me to reminisce now. I was probably just wanting to experiment things since I was never with anyone.

And that’s how I was motivated to be a gym rat and work out like Chris Hemsworth, in my pursuit of “the one”. That’s what the initial plan was. Little did I know, the life led me to a better road that’s beyond my imagination.

A Superficial Theory

During the first month of eating healthy and working out consistently, I was crushing it. I never skipped even a single day of workout regime that I set for myself and I ate 4 times a day. One day, my friend who got me into gym in the first place asked about what really motivated me to lift weights.

“I want to get girls’ attention. I want to post a photo of myself sitting on the beach during the sunset after achieving my physique goal. Maybe summer this year?”. That was said in July of 2020, at the start of my journey. The summer in Australia begins on 1st of December, every year. That gave me 6 months to work my way up. Until this very day, I haven’t uploaded that photo.

That was it. I spit the words with no hesitation. But the question got me thinking. What is it really that I want? What’s the correlation between having big muscles and actually getting a girl? Would it possibly work?

At the time, I was watching a lot of Youtube videos where the interviewer asked the ladies which body types that they prefer their boyfriends to have. Some videos had the girls choosing the fit body type over the, what’s so called as “dad bod” body type. Some said the other way around.

Watching a lot of these biased videos shaped my mind into thinking that it was all girls want out of a guy. It was a superficial thought of mine that I couldn’t even comprehend, at the time. I wasn’t considering any other factors of what girls are looking for from men. Not his personality, not his background story, not his culture. I unconsciously decided to focus my attention on nothing but the physical aspect of myself to attract the female’s attention.

On top of that, I looked at myself and thinking, I was skinny. I thought that all of these problems I was having would be solved by getting ripped. Exercising is also good for my health, isn’t it? It gives me more energy during the day and I will be more likely to be fit even when I am 55, probably. I saw no harm of having this mindset and I kept going without expecting what was coming after me.

Motivation’s Downturn

Things went good in the first 3 months in. My friend had lost his motivation way before myself and now it was just me, hitting the gym by myself without anyone forcing me to do it. I became very conscious that it was my decision and I had the option to keep going or to give up.

Working out is hard, knowing that I want to be like Zac Efron from Baywatch by the end of 2020. I knew I needed to put in the a big amount of effort so I could get to where I wanted to be. I still had a few months before the summer of 2020, which in my opinion was enough time to pursue my dream physique.

Things went south and I realised I was wrong. It wasn’t that easy to put on muscles.

Every time I went to my backyard gym to get a work out in, I always felt like I had a burden on myself that I had to carry. The plates were getting heavier and heavier. I cut down my rest time from 2 minutes to 1 minute per set. I increased the repetition of each workout set. I was simply trying to make the progress quicker by taking the shortcuts and overloading myself with these brutal workout regimes.

On top of that, I made myself a ton of breakfast loaded with eggs and tomato beans. I purchased a lot of $1 tuna cans from the supermarket that I work at and made myself protein sandwiches every afternoon.

I bought 2 kg of protein powder. I got a lot of acnes and I think it may have been because of it. My face was becoming worst and I gained a lot of fat on my cheeks. I looked chubbier. I had already been working out for 4 months at that point and I got so much stronger. I couldn’t quit. I had to keep going.

“It would be worth it at the end”, I said to myself.

There were days where I felt I could make the dream happen and there were also days where I just wanted to give up this crazy workout thing. The negative days were more frequent than the good days.

At one point, I was done with it. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I saw some changes in my physique. My chest was getting thicker, my shoulders were more well-rounded, my abs were more visible than ever before and I was aware of that. The progress was very slow, though. I thought I would be able to get jacked after working out for 6 months but I was wrong. The change of my physique was there but it was nothing crazy.

The main problem is no one noticed the change of my physique. I did get stronger. I could lift heavier. But that’s not what I was aiming for. My target was to attract the attention and I didn’t get that after months of relentless training.

On top of that, I was on Facebook all the time, trying to add as many attractive girls as I could to my friends list. Once my friend requests were accepted, I right away slide to the DM.

I am sorry mom for doing this. I know she would read every one of the articles that I publish and I honestly feel bad for having done this.

“What was I even thinking?”

None of the Facebook girls got back to me. Well, some of them did, but they bailed after I replied their message for the second time. I got rejected again.

“They all broke my heart.” I thought immaturely.

I was aware that it was none of their obligation to respond. I knew that not every girls that I meet, physically or virtually, are going to be interested in me. Unfortunately, it was too late to consider that. I was already surrounded by my own clouds and I lost my patience.

All the work that I had put in for the last 6 months didn’t yield anything for me. I failed my summer physique goals and I failed getting the spotlight. I decided to quit.

I had no motivation to do it again. I felt like there was no point of continuing this pursuit.

After not working out and ate whatever felt delicious in my eyes, I lost all my progress and I became that skinny guy again, within a span of a month. I lost all the pump. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being skinny. It was just me feeling disappointed since I spent 6 months working my ass off and I was back at my original position.

Look at my bloated stomach. I was desperate, just like I had been in the beginning.

The Light at The End of The Tunnel

Just before I completely gave this up, I got motivated by something. I don’t remember what exactly it was. It could be one of the videos that I watched on Instagram about a bodybuilder working out. My Instagram’s recommendation was still filled up with half-naked guys, pumping up their muscles and getting jacked at the gym.

At this point, I was not into anything and I had no sense of direction. There is a little voice in me saying why not I do something. I picked up my dumbbells, put on my headphones, and I worked out for one and a half hour. I felt extremely amazing throughout the whole thing and I managed to get a good work out in. It may have been because it was my first time getting back at it after more than a month off. The workout may have triggered the release of serotonin in my body, which may have improved my mood as a whole too, I think.

“What if I stopped caring about what people think of me and focus on creating my sense of fulfilment out of the things that really matter?” I told myself silently.

After ruminating for a bit, I tried to get back into it and work out for fun. This time I was not pushing myself by any means. I started slow and I stopped when I felt tired. I didn’t force myself to meet my protein intake. I just stopped eating too many fatty foods and started eating more fruits.

I paired exercising with reading books. For some reasons, it worked. I was very consistent at reading and lifting. I got things done and I was feeling good about myself. I basically dedicated most of my times for the goals that didn’t revolve around my physique and ladies.

I started accumulating good thoughts on my mind and my mindset shifted from getting girls to being a good kid, a good son, and a good me. I realised that I was being immature by thinking that physical aspect of a men is the only thing that matters to a girl. I realised that it was just the internet playing games with me. The world wanted me to think that way. Hence, I started forgetting all my old thoughts about girls and working on my goals.

My physique looked way better than it had ever been before. I didn’t allocate all my attention on gym by any means. Working out became something that I enjoy doing. I wasn’t worrying about the progress that I made and I simply didn’t care about how big my muscles were. I was back at it because I wanted to do something that pushed me out of my boundaries. I was happy since I was not pressured by anything and anyone, anymore. I loved it living that way.

Well, I came to a conclusion that this journey that I had in transforming my body has really shaped me, mentally and physically.

I was that kid that thought girls only love men that have a great body shape. I changed, because of this journey. The journey was not as smooth as I thought it was going to be, but it was worth it.

I learnt about prioritising things that really matter in my life. I learnt that life is not just about being with somebody. It is about becoming a person that I wished to be. I realised that life is tough, but I made a right decision to stop having a “victim” mentality.

“As long as I try, that’s really what matters to me”. — Joji

This statement is something that I always hold onto whenever I am facing an obstacle in my life. I won’t think about the success or the result at the end but I’d rather think about whether or not I’ve given it a shot.

Until this very day, I am still not good at the things that I do. I am not good at talking to people. I am not good at standing up for myself. I am not good at giving a presentation in front of the class. I am still that shy and awkward kid that isn’t good at socialising. I still have a lot of imperfections.

The difference is, I now approach problems in a different way and I see things in a different perspective. For me, that’s the most beautiful part of this journey.

Thank you for reading my blog post. It means the world to me.

Here is an article of mine that went quite popular on Medium. I thought you might enjoy it.