I Still Don’t Feel Happy After Moving to My Dream Country

This was me, 10 years ago, wearing a t-shirt given by my mom as a souvenir.

My mom went to the beautiful continent of Australia a couple of times for her medical exams as a general practitioner. She was barely able to afford it. The expenses and the living quality in Sydney is way beyond what she and our family could afford. That was the primary reason why she, at the time, never brought any of her kids to hop on the plane with her, including my dad. She told me great stories that she encountered there and how nice it was for her to experience the Western culture.

She told me that one day, she would take me there so that I could see it myself. I smiled and I doubted it was going to happen. I never travelled anywhere outside Indonesia at the time and the only thing that’s possible to be done is day-dreaming about it.

Fast forward to the present day, my 3 years Australian student visa is about to expire in less than a year and I am planning to live here permanently. I currently live in the same suburb that my mom used to stay in, 10 years ago.

Did I make it? Yes. Does it feel great? Sadly, not as much as I thought.

How do I know this? I’ve learnt from experience. After this long, I was aiming for the wrong target and I now know what truly makes me happy, at least as far as my knowledge now.

I spent a whole lot of time during my last semester of high school year, back in Indonesia, imagining how good it must feel like to be in Australia. I was psyched after knowing that I just got the opportunity to study abroad.

I remember vividly hanging with my mates and getting notified that I barely made it on my IELTS English test and the school accepted me as a freshmen of 2019.

I was super busy inventing the thoughts of me seeing the magical city of Sydney for the next 3 years, because my visa says so.

These are the three things that I was stoked about:

1. The place
2. Part-time job, which means I can have my own money
3. Freedom

A week before my departure, I was thinking about these three things every single day, like literally. The reason is I had never travelled outside Asia ever. The furthest I had ever travelled to, at the time, was Singapore and Malaysia whose the countries are inches away from Indonesia. Another reason is because it was Australia. The ultimate goal. I’d always dreamt going there. As simple as that.

The day before the departure, I drove to one of the nicest restaurant I had ever been in and had a great all-you-can-eat dinner with two of my best friends from high school. It was fun. Honestly, I gave fake smiles and laughs to them. Not necessarily with a bad intention, rather I felt terrible not being able to see them no more, since I would be landing on a different continent the next day. They gave me a nice present as a memory of our friendship and we separated. I didn’t pay for their meals. I was broke myself.

Then, how could I afford living in Australia then? It was just a miracle. Maybe a story for a different day.

Once I stood on my feet in Australia, I felt great since I had never seen the world outside Asia. It felt amazing. Unfortunately, it only took me a few hours before a deep misery hit me.

I cried. I can’t remember whether it happened on the night that I arrived or the day after that.

I already missed my family. I couldn’t communicate with people freely here in this town. I stuttered every time I wanted to speak English. I had zero motivation talking to people since they didn’t understand what kind of words I spoke. I cried in bed thinking how good it actually was when I lived a simple life during my high school years, with friends and family around me.

It was just me and I, in that small bedroom.

2 years later, I am now able to speak a decent English. I can say what I want to say and I get good grades in school. I have visited a lot of great places in New South Wales and I have friends here.

Does that justify that I feel happier than when I was living in Indonesia? Absolutely, no. Have things gotten harder since the day I moved to this foreign land? Yes, without a doubt.

Let’s now talk about the three things that I was excited about in Australia, which are the place, money and freedom.

The place.

I went around the city on my second day of arrival just to explore. Things just looked like the photos. Everyone was talking in languages that I never heard and knew exist. It definitely felt like being in Europe, as in the vibes (at least that was how I felt). Sitting at Hyde Park overseeing the massive St Mary’s Cathedral was just incredible. I felt like a rich kid living in another world.

I went to Sydney Opera House and The Harbour Bridge. The first 10 times I went there, it was magical. After that, it feels just okay.

The place, the quality of living and the people are nice. However, just like everything in life, you get used to it. I get used to it. I know that it is much cleaner here compared to my hometown in Indonesia, plus you get to breathe fresher air. However, it just isn’t something that is worth sacrificing for.

Secondly, money. I knew from the beginning that I would earn money if I live in Australia, since as a student-visa holder, I am entitled a right to work for 20 hours a week. I heard from my mom and my agent that I would earn, in average, around $20 per hour.

So, what’s that? $400 hours a week? That’s way too much money for an 18-year-old me. If converted to Indonesia’s currency, that’s 4 millions rupiah. That is literally enough for a family of 5 to eat for a month, since I knew my mom only spent about 100,000 Rupiah (around 10 bucks) a day for food and we always have enough nice meals to savour at home.

After knowing how expensive it was to live here, I knew I had to find a part-time job and then I did. My first ever job, I worked at a cafe where I was delivering foods to the tables and washing dishes. It was a good place but it just wasn’t a place for me, as an introvert. On top of that, the pay wasn’t enough for me to pay my food and rent. It was $13 per hour.

Once I got a job at a supermarket near where I live, my pay started increasing as I get older too. I have been working there for the past 2 years and I have helped people to do things on the side. At that point, I exceeded my expectation and I am now earning above what 18-year-old me could have imagined.

Unfortunately, just like everything in life. You get used to it. It feels like there is a hole inside of me that is sucking whatever existing around me. What felt amazing before doesn’t anymore.

I can comfortably pay my rent and some of my tuition fees. I can afford eating out with friends and I am able to buy some books to fulfil my hobby. I still don’t feel great with the wealth that I have and I now want to earn more in order to live in a better place. See, the hole is acting out.

Lastly, freedom.

It’s pretty straightforward. Who doesn’t want freedom? Ask the millennial generation that are currently living with their parents.

I knew if I moved to Australia, I would be living on my own, having my own bedroom, being able to go out without getting asked by my parents, coming home late, etcetera.

I actually feel happy about it even until this very day since it teaches me to be more mature and independent. Sadly, loneliness come along with it. I started seeking some love. I was trying to distract myself and bad habits came with it. I miss being together with my family, I miss that old wooden dinner table, I miss my neighbours, I miss the smell of Indonesian foods, and ultimately, I miss talking to people that’s thousand miles away from me at this point.

At this point, I just didn’t know what makes me happy. Things that I sought and I succeeded achieving have become a new normal.

A few days ago, I found out the answer. Regardless of my wrong understanding of this country, I have things that I am grateful for. Things that last.

One of them is I have found something that I enjoy doing, such as lifting weights, reading, and writing this blog. These small things keep a smile on my face.

Another thing is I live with amazing family that felt like home. Despite of the fact that they are not my relatives, I feel treated as if I were their own son. They cook great foods every day. They ask me what time I will be home when I am out. They celebrate my birthdays. Ultimately, they are there when I need them, just like how my parents would.

The photo above is me and my housemate.

We have been friends for the past 2 years. I met him at a gathering event with some friends at his place. He was quite and he is just a few centimetres shorter than me. He had been planning to move out so he decided to join me at this house. Ever since then, we’ve been very close friends. We joke, we share stories, we eat together, we go on road trips together, we share tears and laughs together.

I think, at this point, you already know what truly makes me happy. It’s the people. It’s the hobbies. It’s the memories. It’s the road trips. It’s the friendship. It’s the family.

I may have made it sound cliche but it truly what I felt. These aspects of my life are what have kept me sane throughout my journey in Australia and I am sure it continuously will.

I now know that Australia is just a beautiful continent, not a source of happiness. Money is just there to help me keep going in life, which is also not where I seek happiness from. Freedom may feel good, but at the end of the day, we are a social human being and it’s those people that matters in our life that we should keep and cherish.

At least, that’s what makes me happy.