I Forgive Myself For Letting Her Go
Sometimes acts of kindness are found in the unthinkable
I close my eyes in an attempt to evade my surroundings. I feel my senses evaporate into a vortex of memories.
The rhythmic clicking fades, and I’m drawn back to the beach.
Our beach.
If dogs could do cartwheels, Jasper is positively cartwheeling and backflipping ahead of me. Like a bottle of popped champagne, her effervescent energy spills around her. Her exuberance melts into the sea and sand.
Jasper comes alive on the beach.
The sand stretches for several miles; we are early enough to have the whole beach to ourselves. In celebration, Jasper throws a chunk of shriveled seaweed up in the air, then swiftly engages her spring-loaded paws and leaps up in a pattern of body contortions to catch her new plaything mid-air.
Uh oh, she sees I am idle. She shouts for me to join in her frolics. A play bow and incessant high pitch barking are her signature signs of invitation. I deftly grab the seaweed and take off in the opposite direction. Three seconds later, Jasper is upon me; she captures the seaweed out of my hands and bolts for the waves. I am supposed to follow.
My little ginger ninja hurdles the waves until her paws no longer connect with the ocean floor. With her neck outstretched, she engages her shoulders and selects doggie paddle mode.
She glances back to see me dancing with the invading cold. I’m up to my knees, but the cold tingles up my spine until it prickles the back of my neck. I can see her laughing at me; what a wimp I am!
And with a deep breath, an inhalation of bravery, I plunge forward and submerge myself in the cold Scottish waters.
Jasper rejoices with me, and together we take a few strokes forward before I hold onto the scruff of her neck, and she selects dolphin mode to pull me to shore.
Click, clunk, click, clunk, click, clunk.
The noise of the machines snaps me away from my reminiscing. I trace the whirl between her eyes. I’ve lost count of the times I playfully told people this is where her reading glasses sit.
I drift off again.
I am on my hands and knees; Jasper is in a play bow position in front of me. Face to face and ready for action. She licks my cheek and chatters with anticipation; she knows what is coming.
“Do you want to play paws?”
That’s it; we have rolled the gauntlet. “Paws” is a game we devised together. We both know the rules. Jasper is required to mouth my hands to win points, and in turn, I need to tap her on the paws while simultaneously saying “paws.” But we don’t just wait for this to happen; we try to protect our extremities from opposing danger.
Jasper curls her front paws under her body. Her back legs remain standing while her mouth acts as defense and offense at my encroaching hands.
The score is one-all, and her strategy is paying off. But I stealthily reach my arm around her body and tap her on the back paw. I’m in the lead now, and this movement causes the surrender of my sweet opponent — a flurry of neck kisses followed by a little song.
Click, clunk, click, clunk, click, clunk.
I caress her velvet ears between my fingers. I bury a flutter of kisses on her snout and breath in her sweet musky aroma. I will her to open her eyes. I ache for the sense of connection eye contact brings.
I fade away again.
Her eyes are boring into mine. She stamps her feet, a steady pitter patter of all 4 paws. Then for best effect, she throws her head back in the air and lets out a song. I remain unmoved. She repeats her stamping and yowling and intensifies her stare until I finally hand her a piece of tangerine.
Have you ever heard of a dog obsessed with tangerines? She would pass over steak, cheese, chicken, and sausage, all for a piece of tangerine. Even the subtlest peeling of the succulent fruit is enough to raise her from deep slumber and bring her to my side. Begging, demanding, and insisting we share her color sake snack.
Click, clunk, click, clunk, click, clu…
And then there is peace.
My eyes leak onto her nose. I feel the desperation of emptiness engulf me. All that was fun, spirited, and joyful in my life faded away at that moment.
Connections like this don’t come around very often.
Despite the excruciating pain of loss, I cherish our vortex of memories. My Princess Jasper is not over the rainbow; she is the rainbow. Her arrival set the course of my life; her departure created a tsunami. But I will always be better off for having 7 years of unconditional love with my beach-loving, “paws” playing, tangerine-obsessed soul mate.
We each think we have the best dog in the world, and the truth is, none of us are wrong!
This story is dedicated to everyone who has ever loved and lost a furry family member. Making the heartbreaking decision to end their suffering can leave us with guilt and unresolved anguish.
Forgive yourself. By letting them go, we offer them a final act of kindness.
Thank you for reading Ali Hall
An original version of this story was published on vocal for a writing challenge.
This story is in response to the writing prompt on “forgiveness.” We would love to read your stories on forgiveness.
“Forgiveness holds the key to the prison gates of our souls. Whether we free ourselves or another, forgiveness is kindness. Tell us about an experience with forgiveness. It may be forgiveness to yourself or another. Perhaps you have received forgiveness.”
You may enjoy this other story in response to the “forgiveness” prompt by Mukundarajan V N
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