I Flirted With Death. Now, I Am In Love With Writing.

A fall onto the floor changed it all.

Lukewarm coffee. A half-eaten banana, ripening along with the waning hours of the morning. A sunny, hot 10th of August sort of day. I was sitting at my desk at work, blinded by the fluorescent lights beaming down into my soul. Challenging me to answer burning questions about myself, like the lamp of a police interrogation.

Thoughts of childhood penetrated my mind. Memories of what I said. What I didn’t say. How many times did I stall my own fall?

My body ached, my stomach churned and my palms caked with sweat and anxiety.

The lights knew I was feeling like a pile of glorious crap.

And so did I.

Twelve months earlier, I had been diagnosed with Chron’s disease. Truth be told, it has been a rough ride. There are many medications to try. Which one works? Hard to know — hey, let’s find out. Trial and error with my health, the very definition of modern medicine.

And I understand — this is the state of the world today. All we can do is flow with the days as they come.

The clock ticks on, and so do I. There is no choice but to keep on moving.

That same morning, the fluorescent lights told me that enough was enough.

Pain in my stomach jolted my mind and pierced into my consciousness. Informing me of what I needed to know.

Off to the Emergency Room, I went.

And so it began, on August 10th.

Home

Ten hours post conversation with the fluorescent lights, one friendly Emergency Room doctor deemed me fit to be sent home. Congratulations, the treatments we gave you were a success. Please be discharged and prosper on into the night.

And so I prospered. I drove past a haze of traffic lights, blinded by how bright they appeared that night. Struggling to keep the focus on the road — reminding myself I was just FINE. After all, I was deemed fit to be sent home! I sternly spoke to myself in my mind. A little “Come on, girl!” And “We’ve got this, let’s get home!”

The last thing I recall is walking around the cobblestoned path towards my apartment door. The sky was suddenly next to me. Stars in my eyes and the moon at my back. I felt strangely removed yet still present too. I pressed my hand against the cool brick wall, begging to feel the earth.

I turned the familiar rusty brass doorknob I had gotten to know so well, walked inside, and collapsed onto the floor.

Dreams Of Everywhere and Nowhere

My body may have been lying on my apartment floor, but “I” was somewhere else. I had dreams. Well, I say dreams, but they were more akin to scenes and experiences that imprinted themselves deep into my consciousness.

My mind — permeated with shades of purple that I had never seen before, but somehow knew already existed.

One particular shade of purple seemed aware of my dreams. I remember wondering how it could ever know such things because I never said one word!

It gently spoke in letters that formed words and rhymes — effortlessly streaming them across a never-ending golden horizon. Followed by infinite roads paved with black and white, fading out into everywhere that is, and ever was. Then it charged into my very being.

Illuminating it with vibrance and a new view.

It took me to the desert. Velvety soft sand stretched on as far as I could see. In an instant, I found myself at the peak of the highest snowcapped mountain. I could see an ocean of turquoise — emanating the finest blue. A spectacular view peppered with jagged cliffs, and amongst them deep valleys carved by etchings of knowledge. Exquisitely simple and pure.

So simple, in fact, that it had all but remained hidden until this one defining moment.

“How could there be a mountain and an ocean in the desert?” I thought.

A symphony of loving laughter danced words around, echoing all truths. How sometimes we need to be reminded that we are all one. That is all the fun.

A hug enveloped my mind chanting a series of words I used to know: YOU are the you that has always been you, and that will always be YOU.

Bells of laughter spun me around. Turning my thoughts upside down.

And that is when I KNEW what I did not know. Beauty comes in all things.

Voices shouted in the distance. Familiar and filled with concern. A warm hand on my arm acted like a vacuum, and I felt the ground again.

Later I learned I had been on the floor for well over a day. Obviously, my not answering calls, messages, or showing up to work raised alarm bells. But a good friend who felt a vibe demanded to be let into my apartment. It took him some time, but he succeeded. I am so glad that he did.

It was time to wake up.

Now Or Never

It took months to recover. The entire experience rocked my very being. My body felt deprived and exhausted. Emotions unsteady. And my brain!

Oh, my poor brain. It was like being shoved into an electric horizon of knowledge and then blasted out the other side — all the while being assured I would enjoy the ride.

But with each passing day, I improved. Waves of a light universal peace gently rocked me to where I could finally stand upright. And one otherwise nondescript day, I felt my feet connect to the grass. A breeze breathed into my spirit and wouldn’t you know it. I was enjoying the ride.

My inspiration now funnels from within. That is why I write. It is a part of me. I feel every word that I write. I look at writing as a beautiful gift of words, creativity, and love.

There are so many ways words can be written and so many versions in which a story can be told. And every single one of them possesses beauty in its own unique way.

We all have the wisdom within. We all have what it takes. Don’t forget to believe in yourself along the way.

Let the stars guide you as they do. May you crack yourself open while you step on this earth. We only have a limited amount of time.

The hourglass of life eventually runs out on us all.

I want to thank Dr Mehmet Yildiz for inspiring me to write this for the Writing Challenge. I took a bit of a different spin on it, but I hope you like it just the same!

Thank you to Marcus Britni Pepper Stuart Englander and Noorain Hassan, BMS for all your help, suggestions, and editing talents with this. Appreciate you all to the moon and back.

Turning ideas into reality… What a beautiful message.