I Finally Had the Sex Talk with My Kids

I wasn’t ready for it

I never thought I’d do well with the sex talk.

I talk about sex almost constantly. I routinely answer questions about it. But that’s with adults. With kids, it’s a whole different ball game.

I want to walk the line between being completely honest but not being too honest. I want to give them all the information they want without giving them more than they’re ready to handle.

I was also on the receiving end of a really bad sex talk with my mom. It was really awkward and I was way too uncomfortable to ask any questions. And instead of answers, she gave me a book I could consult.

It didn’t help. The book convinced me that sex involved a man lying on top of a woman and moving his hips side to side.

I wanted to do better than that, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to. I didn’t even have a book to throw at them if I went into panic mode.

But it happened last night. I was put on the spot and had to give the sex talk to three of my four kids (my toddler was spared).

And it was all because of my facewash.

Pregnancy Panic

I was giving my daughters a bath and my 8-year-old asked about my facewash. She wanted to know why she didn’t have to use any and I told her she will start using it around when she hits puberty.

So, naturally, she wanted to know about puberty.

That’s a subject we covered before. I’ve mentioned bodies changing, body hair, and menstrual cycles and all the usual stuff. This time, I added hormonal changes and how it can make your skin more oily, hence the facewash.

And I mentioned that puberty is when your body can start making babies.

That sent her into a small panic.

“I don’t want to have a baby!”

I assured her that she doesn’t have to.

“But what if I have one by accident?!”

I reminded her that she was too young to have a baby. We’d been through this before and this usually alleviated her worries.

Not this time, though.

She knew that puberty was just a matter of time, and if she inherited anything from me, it’s her need to alleviate anxiety by planning for everything (she once felt the need to make and wrap her brother’s birthday present — ten months before his actual birthday).

“But how does it happen?” she asked. “How can I make sure I don’t have a baby if I don’t even know how babies are made?”

I told her it’s something a man and a woman do together to make a baby, and she doesn’t have to worry about doing it accidentally, because it’s not really something you do by accident.

She just got more upset.

“Yeah, but how? How do you make a baby? How do they do it?! You’re not telling me how they make a baby. You’re just saying the man and the woman make one, but how!?”

Tears were welling in her eyes. She was clearly having visions of tween pregnancy and felt helpless to prevent it.

So, this was it. This was the day I had to tell her how babies are really made. And I think I was feeling about as much stress as she was.

I always told myself that when I gave the talk, it wouldn’t be a big deal. I’d be super chill, answer all their questions, and it would just be a nice little moment.

But it’s low-key terrifying when your child is staring into your eyes asking big questions and you’re not entirely sure which kind of answer they’re ready for.

I didn’t want to tell her more than she was ready to hear. And I worried about her repeating anything inappropriate at school.

And then there was the irrational stuff. I worried that she would think sex is so weird and hilarious that she’d actually try some genital-on-genital contact. I know that’s not how it works. I know a good sex talk can prevent ill-advised sex, not encourage it. But I was caught off-guard and your brain can go to irrational places if it hasn’t been warmed up properly.

I had to set all that aside, though. I needed to put an end to her agony.

So, I said what felt right. “Okay. So. It has to do with private parts. With a man’s penis and a woman’s vagina. And they put them together to make a baby.”

She seemed perplexed. “But how do you not have a baby?”

“Well, it’s something two people do together that makes a baby. So, if you don’t want one, you either don’t do that thing or there are options called birth control so that you can do that thing but not have a baby. But you don’t have to worry about those yet. I’ll teach you about them when you’re old enough.”

I was so flustered I was barely making sense.

The tears were welling in her eyes again. “But why won’t you tell me what it is? What if I accidentally do it?!”

So, this was it. No patting the bed, asking her to come sit by me so I can tell her what life is like after puberty. No gently easing into it after a long discussion about something she saw in a movie.

Nope. Instead, my daughter was on the verge of a breakdown because she asked about my goddamn facewash and the only way to stop it was to tell her how sex works.

“Okay. It’s called ‘sex.’ You can do it in different ways, but the way that makes a baby is when a man’s penis goes into a woman’s vagina.”

“Wait, what? Is that real!?”

That’s when my 5-year-old decided to chime in: “What?! A woman takes off a man’s penis and puts it in her vagina? That’s weird.”

I corrected that misconception. Then, I explained that people have sex for all sorts of different reasons and making a baby is one of them.

That took all their worries away. Both girls were laughing (well, full-on cackling) over how absurd sex is.

My 8-year-old said she was okay now. Because she was “never going to do that thing” so she won’t have an accidental baby.

I told her that it’s not something kids want to do, but most people want to do it when they get older. She assured me that she would never be one of those people. I left it at that. I didn’t bother telling her that her parents are some of those people, and I definitely didn’t say that my job is being one of those people.

That’s a whole other talk. And I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that one.

“Age Appropriate” Isn’t a Number

When the talk was over, I told the girls that they can always talk to me or their father about any of this. That we’ll always answer their questions and help them figure out all these things.

I also mentioned that everyone gets the sex talk at a different age. So, it’s a good idea not to tell the other kids at school about it because their parents will tell them when they’re ready.

I added that it’s a complicated topic so kids get a different version of the sex talk at different ages. I reminded her that when she was younger, we just told her that grownups make babies with “a special hug” and that was good enough for then, because she didn’t need as many details. And she laughed her little butt off when I said parents used to tell their kids that a stork delivered babies to parents.

That’s when my 9-year-old wandered in. My daughter said “Mommy just told me how babies are made! Do you know how they make a baby?”

He brushed his shaggy hair from his eyes and confidently asserted, “Yeah, of course. It’s a special hug.”

After she was done laughing, my daughter filled him in on the details.

“Really? That’s weird.” He went quiet for about three seconds and then said, “I really wish I could do a backflip. But I don’t know how I’d land without hurting my back.”

The next time I saw him, he was trying to do a backflip on my bed.

Even though he’s older, he’s clearly not as ready for a sex talk as his sisters are. I’m just hoping he starts asking questions before the toddler does.

At bedtime, I asked my daughter why she was so worried about becoming pregnant.

“Well, number one: it hurts to have a baby and I don’t want it to hurt. And now, number two: I don’t ever want to do that disgusting thing!”

At least that should buy me a little time before I have to tell her how condoms work.

Let’s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter (I won’t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)

❤ If you liked this post, you might also love: