I Fantasize Over Young Men

My wife thinks I need professional help

Ok, I admit it. I fantasize about young men. You know, the kind with the rippling biceps and six-pack abs. I look for men with thick muscular thighs and long gazelle-like legs. I imagine them running and jumping, twisting and turning, showing me all they can do to help me satisfy my needs.

But which one will perform for me, and me alone? Which one will do the things I ask and do it better than the other?

I can’t help falling in love.

It is that time of year again when men’s hearts and minds turn to visions of glory. I am falling in love again. Yet, I am tired of sharing my love with men who do not return the love with the same fervor I offer them when I choose them for my partner.

Should I risk my affection again on Christian McCafferty? No doubt he is a handsome, athletic, son of the gods. The very thought of Christian standing head and shoulders above his opponents makes me swoon. But he has broken my heart before. Time and time he has offered me the promise of happiness only to leave me at the altar for an out-of-shape journeyman.

Would falling for an inexperienced and untested rookie satisfy my desires? Will he show the passion that so many of his predecessors have offered, or tease me with promises and never perform?

There are hundreds of experts who offer me advice. Sure in a perfect world I can give my heart to Johnathon Taylor, Ja’marr Chase, and Patrick Mahomes. I should be so lucky to have all of them in my harem.

But what if I choose Saquon Barkley and he leaves me stranded again? How do I avoid the fate of, Cam Akers, who got injured in week one and left me alone to flounder all season?

Can I trust Bill Belichick to start the same running back more than two weeks in a row? (I doubt it).

Will Mitch Trubisky make us forget Big Ben what’s his name?

I am not asking for a lifelong commitment. Only 16 weeks. One winter together as partners, scoring together week in and week out until we are both so exhausted, we take a break to recover.

I am an old man who does not have a lot of stamina anymore. The future is for younger people. Please Austin, Dalvin, or Travis give yourself to me if only for a few weeks. I need you now. Together we can show the world how Fantasy can become our new reality.

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