Why I Don’t Write Erotica

I Can’t Tell A Zucchini From A Gherkin

As a writer, I like to share my ideas and opinions with a large group of people I call followers. It is also important that I recognize my disciples have many interests. Some like discussing politics, others enjoy a humorous story. Still others prefer to learn something new about business or technology.

It is for that reason I have tried to make my mark by writing many different categories and writing styles.

There are many choices to keep me busy, but one genre that hasn’t worked well for me is the Erotic Fiction category. Most erotic fiction is read by women, so it is clear for this genre, the writing must appeal to this audience. Although I understand erotica also appeals to other groups, so that tells me salaciousness may not be gender specific. There must be an untapped market I haven’t found.

Accordingly, much of the popular erotic fiction is written by women, some of whom are either very lustful or very frustrated. They write about affairs that will shock even the most open-minded reader. I remember reading one short story about a phytophagous woman who would go to the local farmers market to find her next paramour. She always had a hard time deciding between summer squash and Armenian cucumbers. The very next day I began a vegan diet.

The hard part about writing erotica is lack of knowledge on the part of the writer. Woman authors just seem to know more about sexual pleasure than their male counterparts. They devise ways to make sex more gratifying. Maybe that is because during sex, so many men distract themselves by thinking about baseball. They enter the box thinking they will hit a grand slam home run but usually end up bunting. A good romance writer finds a way to make the scene last and last into extra innings. They use their timeouts wisely. Men are in a hurry to hit and run. They’re lucky if they make it to the seventh inning stretch. Let’s be honest, baseball and sex don’t go together unless the episode takes place in a locker room or dugout.

I have also noticed that some male authors try to write erotic stories by using female pen names. I mean who is going to buy a romance novel that has been written by Harvey Wallbanger? The real Harvey Wallbanger will most likely try and use a pen name. It’s a dead giveaway when you see a book written by an author named “Ana Le Only” or “Comeina Meharder”. A bad pen name is usually a clear indication of a man disguising himself as a woman.

Then comes the subject of the “F” word. As an erotic writer, I am never sure how often I should use it? I know you have to use it occasionally but what about other words? I mean there are lots of synonyms for “F__K”, but having your main character ask, “How would you like to copulate with me?”, just doesn’t seem to meet the erotica reader’s expectations. And I am pretty sure if you use dialogue like, “Take your schlong and put it in my woo-hoo.” You aren’t going to sell many erotic books. When writing erotica should I just throw the thesaurus out the window and yield to pure profanity?

So, for right now, I am going to put my erotic stories back in the closet. I am going to practice learning to write erotica by reading more about the subject. Then, as soon as I can wrap my arms and legs around it, I will try publishing something so filthy the hard copies will be back ordered.

I already have a pen name I plan to use. So, keep your eyes open for any books written by, Bella de Ballz.

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