I Embraced the Wonderful World of Polyamory

Now my heart is wide open to possibilities

You have unlimited choices in your intimate relationships. We encourage monogamy in western culture. It doesn’t mean you have to limit yourself to what others expect of you. We’re free to express our love however we choose. Sometimes it means we choose multiple partners.

Until last year, I thought I was a dyed-in-the-wool monogamist. It struck me as impossible to pay romantic or sexual attention to more than one person at a time. I believed in one true soul mate for life. I had romantic notions of marrying the one man who fulfilled my dreams. Guess where I got those ideas? I didn’t realize how much the media depictions of couples influenced my beliefs.

Adding to the mix, I’m pansexual, and part of me felt like I had to choose a gender. I was thinking in terms of monogamous marriage. The gender specificity made no sense either. If I’m pansexual, gender isn’t relevant. I guess you could say I was confused. On the surface level, I clung to the idea of monogamy.

I’ve had my share of drunken romps, unplanned threesomes borne of too many mind-altering substances. But those experiences aren’t the best gauge of my true nature since I wasn’t fully present. I’ve always wanted more than a physical connection. I know polyamory isn’t all about sex, although it could be. But if someone told me a vague surface view of it back then, I would’ve never thought of myself as poly.

I had limited knowledge of ethical non-monogamy. I’d only heard of polygamy within the context of Mormon men marrying multiple wives. It had a negative connotation for a few reasons, one being the control the husband had over his wives. Most viewed it as a nonconsensual arrangement, fraught with troublesome patriarchal influences from the Mormon church.

No one educated me beyond the practice of taking multiple wives. Polygamy was criticized, made fun of, and considered unacceptable. Unlike my perceived world of Mormon sister-wives, polyamory involves having more than one lover or partner. Polyamory means multiple loves. It’s that simple.

Then I met our womxn friends, a married couple. One of them is polyamorous. She explained how ethical non-monogamy felt natural to her. She didn’t want to compartmentalize her feelings. There’s enough room to love everybody in a multitude of ways. She defies society’s limitations by acknowledging her attraction to more than one person.

I had a crush on her then, and felt more comfortable with my feelings when shared she was poly. Her partner is monogamous. They were working through the complexities when I started having feelings for both of them.

It was awkward timing, but I learned a lot about myself. I read a book about ethical non-monogamy. I resonated with the information and experiences of others. I examined my patterns and habits in relationships. I began to consider myself poly-curious.

My friends moved through their challenges. They’re still together and growing stronger in love. Being their “unicorn” (a third in a triad, usually a couple plus one) isn’t a part of our story, but we’re still close, and all is well.

My world opened up wide. I stopped trying to hide my feelings. Because I was new to the idea, it sparked a new fire. I’m attracted to many people at once. If they were interested, I’d be open to multiple partners.

I used to think of couples as “off-limits.” Now using that word feels wrong. People aren’t possessions. We’re free to express how we feel. There’s also nothing inherently wrong with feeling attraction toward a person, as long as we’re not pushing any agreed-upon boundaries. I never said anything to anyone but my friends, but I started seeing a few couples in a new light. I wondered who might be in open relationships.

Several months later, I was talking in the school parking lot with a fellow parent. She’s married, and both of them are dating other people. I’m grateful she shared this part of her life. She helped me normalize polyamory.

Although I have no experience of being in a polyamorous relationship, I see my future with more possibilities than I previously considered. My friends showed me I’m not a dyed-in-the-wool monogamist after all. I opened my eyes to a new, inclusive approach.

Love has wide boundaries. I suspect viewing relationships from a broader angle will help me grow in unimaginable ways. I came here to love with my whole heart. I can’t think of a better way to share my love than opening my intimate relationships.

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