Peloton, Shmeleton
I Don’t Need a Woman, I Just Need a Backhoe
Must have righteous “balls in the boom”
Had me a big ’ol Husqvarna 550XP Mark II Gas Chainsaw. 16 inches. 50.1 cc of pure whining rage. Sweet, sweet machine. Me and the Husq spent weeks at a time alone in the woods. Mucho simpatico.
After her, a John Deere S100 Gas Hydrostatic Lawn Tractor caught my eye. She was something. A full-figured 42 inches. Lusty 17.5HP, just purred like a kitten. Weekend warriors with Falcons caps and dad bods would leer at her, mouths agape, ribbons of saliva wandering down their chins.
Yeah. You could say I’ve been around the block —
- Toolots 30 Ton Skid Steer Log Splitter
- Summit 30" Swing Metal Lathe with 5.1″ Spindle Bore
- Milwaukee M18 FUEL Cordless High-Torque Impact Wrench Kit, with Friction Ring. 1/2 inch Drive, 1400 Ft./Lbs. Torque, Double Batteries
That was high school. Fast forward to my mid-30s, still tomcatting around like a pimply kid with voice cracks. Roving eye. Couldn’t settle down for squat. Playing the field. Chasing the latest model. More horsepower. Faster. Sleeker.
And then one day — BOOM. There she was. A vision! Brand new Cat 430. Not a scratch. Sunshine sparkling off the glaze of the morning dew. Bucket like a Venus flytrap. More ’n enough Cat for any man. Felt it like a crossbow bolt to the heart. My tomcatting days were over.
Wish you could have seen her, with the morning sun rising behind her, bathing her boom in orange glory —
- C3.6 86 kW Electronic Turbo Intercooled Engine
- 358 foot-pounds of Net Torque Rise at 1400 rpm
- 15 feet of dig depth
- Variable-flow, Axial Piston Hydraulics
- Max operating weight? A cool 24251 lbs. OMFG
When I saw her that morning, I was cradling a DeWalt D25892K 22 lb. SDS MAX Demolition Hammer. We’d flirted on and off for a week. Just dropped her in the dirt, and looked at the Cat with what I can only describe as — what?
Awe.
I’m not proud of what I did. Dumped the DeWalt as if she were just some kind of tool I’d been using to pulverize concrete. I’m not making excuses. But I was a man possessed.
Me and the Cat? Just one word comes to mind. Destiny.
Do I need a woman? Sure. I’m a man. A man’s got urges. There’s only one thing a Caterpillar 430 can’t do. Use your imagination.
So what. Women have urges. I know some. The kind of urges that some souped-up Peloton ain’t worth a bucket of spit for. We — the women and I — have a — how to phrase it delicately — an understanding.
Friends with benefits.
Those nights are few. Otherwise, it’s just us two. Me and the Cat. She understands. Not a jealous bolt in her chassis.
Told her previous owner — Snopes & Sons Construction out of Yoknapatawpha — “I do.” Drained my savings to pay ’em. That don’t mean piss. When I’m up there in her cab, scooping a bucket of rich brown dirt, squeezing her levers, stretching her boom out over the ripe fecund earth, I feel my boundaries thinning, fading, dissolving into the Universe.
You gonna put a price tag on that?
Falcons cap tip to Betsy Denson for editing help.
Inspired by Sara Zadrima’s magnificent piece.
