Material Girl
I Don’t Need A Man, I Just Need A Peloton
Hooked on words of affirmation
When my husband gifted me a peloton for my 45th birthday, I realized something.
I had been wrong my entire life.
I thought I needed a man to fulfill my greatest desires, but it turns out all I really needed was a Peloton.
As someone whose love language is “words of affirmation,” I was enamored the minute I sat in the saddle for the first time. When Jess King said, “we don’t half-ass, we give it our whole-ass,” I knew I had found the one.
In my next class, Robin Arzón spoke directly to my soul when she said “You don’t wake up to be mediocre.” So, I divorced my husband right away and dove head first into my new relationship.
It was love at first sight. Haters may say “oh that woman’s crazy! She left her husband for a stationary bike!”
But did I really need the man, if it was so easy to leave him for the bike?
Peloton always knows exactly what to say and do. Peloton is reliable. Peloton is always there when I wake up in the morning, when I go to bed at night, and when I come home from a long day at work and need to unwind.
Peloton is always there for me. Peloton doesn’t stay out late drinking with the guys and come home reeking of alcohol. In fact, Peloton has never even touched or thought of alcohol in its life. Peloton doesn’t fight me for the remote, complain about life, or argue about the correct way to load the dishwasher.
My relationship with Peloton has been nothing but pure bliss. I’m getting hotter and stronger every day, so men are even more obsolete to me now than they were when I was married to one.
Name one thing a man can do better than Peloton.
And if you’re thinking of mentioning pleasure, you’ve never been a sadly heterosexual woman married to an inadequate man, and you’ve definitely never felt the spinner’s high. Talk to me again once you’ve taken a Peloton class.
As Jess Sims so eloquently puts it, “Never easy. Always worth it.” This applies to both leaving your marriage and taking a Peloton class. Ladies, if you’re reading this, I implore you to do the same. You don’t need a man! You just need a Peloton!
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