I Don’t Know How To Be a Strong Woman

We find our strength in facing what scares us

The message is everywhere.

“Woman, be strong. Prove your worth. Be a badass. Take no shit from anybody.”

I have heard it, read it, and allowed it to soak deep into my bones. However, there is just one problem: this message is destroying me. And, the fact that we have linked it so firmly to the “strong man” concept is not helping at all.

What does a strong woman look like?

Just exactly what does it take to be considered a strong woman? Lately, I have found myself grappling with this question.

The thing is, when I look at the women in my life, most of them are not what the current narrative would call strong women. Many of them are housewives; some, despite having a full-time job, also carry with most of the work at home. Others are struggling with their relationships or, like me, were stuck with an abusive partner for a long time.

So what? Does that not require an enormous amount of strength? Are they not heroic? Do they lack grit?

I don’t think so.

Through the sometimes painful process of educating myself, I have come to realize that strength is a fluid concept. Sometimes, for some people, it means grinding endlessly when the easy option would be to stay at home watching TV. For others, it implies admitting they are tired and need to go home and take a nap, even if the people around them look at them in shame.

And, for some women, it means dealing with an abusive partner for years until they find a way to get out. Or giving up a career because that’s what their families needed, and they are women enough to accept that’s what they prefer to do at the moment.

Still, since these behaviors are not aggressive, we do not like to admit they are also incredible feats of strength. Yeah, that’s right. Many times, when we think of power, in reality, we are confusing it with aggression.

Nowhere is this more palpable than in our relationship with men.

The Problem With Men

Men have hurt me a lot. From my father to some of my teachers, to the guys who have groped me while walking on the street, to my few boyfriends, and, yes, my ex-partner…Many men have caused me lots of pain.

I have come to distrust them deeply. All of them. Better safe than sorry, right?

There is just one issue with this: it keeps me in a permanent state of fear. Every day, when a man is in front of me, in the background, a part of my brain is on edge. “How is he going to hurt me? What is he planning?”

To solve this, I have taken to building a huge fort around me and refusing to create connections. Yes, this might keep me safe…but it also keeps me scared.

How is that a synonym of strength?

Indeed, we are not to blindly put our faith in just anybody. But there are people in our life who have been there, over and over again, and, still, we refuse to trust. We resist showing our weaknesses. Instead, we try to build the thickest walls just so no one will ever know we are scared shitless.

What kind of a woman would show all of her weaknesses?

Well, it turns out the joke is on us because, in the end, nothing proves our strength more than the ability to be vulnerable. And, as terrifying as it sounds, the ultimate vulnerability test is to trust someone else, to put yourself in their hands, even if your heart is trembling — and even if that person is a man.

In the end, if a strong woman doesn’t need a man’s approval to know her worth, then it should also be true that she doesn’t need to tear him down or permanently distrust him to demonstrate her power.

The Problem With Always Being Strong

I have come to see that some women, including me, are making the same decision many men have historically been forced to take, given the way they were raised.

We want to be stoic. We want to be tough… so we choose to be aggressive and isolate ourselves.

You know what? Given the huge number of men who live enveloped in terrible loneliness and end up killing themselves every year, I think we are making an unfortunate mistake.

The truth is, we find our strength in facing what scares us. Under safe parameters, of course — no need to risk your life just to prove something. And yes, sometimes we need to be extremely assertive to protect ourselves. Let’s face it: there are some real jerks out there who deserve zero kindness. However, real growth comes only when we dare to share our soul with someone and let them see us, just as we are.

For many of us, that someone will be a man.

The Beginning of a Quest

As for me, my greatest fear is showing my vulnerable spots. To let someone know I need them or to express my deepest desires. It terrifies me that I will be mocked or rejected.

I have come close to revealing the real me but chickened out at the last moment, and even created unnecessary chaos, because that was easier than facing my insecurities. Others, I have made dubious choices because I assumed that’s what a strong woman would do.

Yes, I had my reasons. There have been crappy people that have done me bad. And yes, most of them were men. But if I don’t get my shit together and start trusting people, then I will spend the rest of my life being a scared little girl who writes superficially daring stuff but has no real substance at her core.

I don’t want to be a child. I want to be a woman. A strong, independent woman. But I have to find out just exactly what that means for me.

So, how does one become a strong woman? I’m trying to find out. For many years, I had to rely on extreme stoicism, numbness, and defensiveness to keep myself safe. But those tools have no room in my new life, quite the opposite; they are making it cold and lonely.

I hope coming to terms with this reality is the first step in the search for my strength. What comes next? Well, as with most of the things that matter, life will show the way.