Why Some Figs Weep
I Didn’t Know You Had to Feed Them Too
I brought her home and watched her die a slow and ugly death
Plant Abuse — a topic not discussed often around the dinner table. Even though, you — that’s right — You! — may be guilty of demeaning, abasing, and possibly killing a Philodendron or two, yourself.
It is not always intentional that we destroy a beautiful, living plant due to some beginner mistake — ignorance or simply forgetting they are in the house to be cared for can be the cause of their demise.
Although, some people will buy a plant just for show —a decoration that gets stuck away in a corner waiting to die a slow, ugly, and painful death. Doesn’t the visual just rip at your heart?
To these people, a plant is just an object in their house. The truth be told, a plant is a breathing, living organism residing inside your home with you.
They are no different than a child or a pet. Your plants need love and nurturing just as much as any other dependent critter in your humble abode.
When you bring a new Fern or Ficus home, you should throw a small party for its arrival.
The “Welcome” sign should be made from an incredibly long strand of a Philodendron that is stretched from one side of the room’s entrance to the other.
The song, We Are Family should be playing while everyone enjoys a shot of B-12 and some NPK (7–8–6) straight up. (N=Nitrogen, P=Phosphorous, K=Potassium)
Unfortunately, most people are not always able to have such a gala event when bringing a new plant home to meet the family. Not having the resources or the time to plan, and produce this kind of celebration is common — but not to worry!
If this is the case, then celebrate by saying — in a warm and inviting voice as you step through your front door — “Hello and Welcome, My Lovely Plant! This is Your New Home.” Then both of you toast with a shot of — not too cold — non-chlorinated water.
As you stand there gazing upon your new roommate, remember that you are now the caretaker of this delicate and helpless treasure — it needs your love and attention to stay alive.
The first time I went to one of my friend’s houses, I was disgusted by what I saw. Not because it was messy, with cockroaches scurrying across the floor, or unwashed dishes stacked to the ceiling.
Instead, I noticed a massacre had taken place with a dozen or so plants lying wilted, browning, and dying in front of my eyes. I could actually hear a Fig Weeping in pain — they all needed tender loving care immediately.
I asked my friend what he was doing with his plants, he said, “Nothing!” They were his ex-girlfriend’s plants and she didn’t take them so, “Oh Well!” he told me.
I asked if he ever watered them and he said he did when he remembered it — which means never. I knew the answer to the next question was a big fat no — but I had to ask it anyway.
“So, do you ever feed your plants?”
First, he became silent, and then he said, “You have to feed them too? What the hell do they eat?”
I wanted to say small children — very small! — but I didn’t.
Instead, I said, not trying to be a smart ass, “They eat plant food.” I continued by telling my friend what plant food consisted of and why they needed it. He thought I was a botanical fucking genius.
It’s funny, you watch one PBS special on how to grow and care for indoor plants and people want to put a Ph.D. after your name — which works for me!
I simply love growing indoor and outdoor plants. I love growing some plants that flower gorgeous arrays of color and others that flower big nuggets of terpenes. So, when I see plant abuse I just want to cry.
A quick note —tap water, is equivalent to Fast Food for your plants. They can live on it but it’s terrible for them.
Tap water has too much chlorine and other trace elements in it for plants. The reason these chemicals are in our water is to purify it for human consumption.
Tastes like shit but that is why God made bottled water.
How to dechlorinate your water for your plants — Let a gallon or two of tap water sit out overnight — this allows the chlorine to evaporate.
Your indoor garden will thank you for your efforts with comforting beauty.
Plants are so incredible. Some of them help purify the air in your house, all of them emit oxygen, and they ask for so little in return — So why not treat them with love?
If you add a little plant food — a modest amount of good water — some decent lighting — you will see the wild beast locked inside your plant’s inner seed begin to grow. I guarantee it!
Just so you know, I am not one of those kinky, have-sex-with-plants, sort of guys. I draw the line at fornicating with Flora— although I saw a Frizzle Sizzle once that at another time, another place you never know what could have happened.
Now, if plants want to watch me while I’m having sex, that’s fine — but as far as that well-hung Ivy over there — keep your stamen out of my face, mister!
So, let’s wrap this up because I have to go feed my plants and I have a date with a pretty little Poppy named Amapola.
In Conclusion:
I think if someone decides to buy a plant they should do a little homework before bringing it back to the hacienda.
- Find out as much info about the particular species of the plant as you can. (Watering, Feeding, and Sunlight)
- Find a place in our house where it can get sunlight — direct or indirect.
- Ensure the plant is not in a high-traffic area where it could get easily knocked around or over.
- Water Regularly! — But Do Not Over-Water!
- Feed as instructed per species.
- Talk to your plant daily— They won’t think you’re crazy — even if you are.
Remember plants are like pets, if you’re going to abuse them you don’t need them.
Peace, Love, and Unconditional Happiness!
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