Over Forty Floaties

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Abstract

fd">An Orthopedic Insole — Any lady can amble over to her nearest pharmacy and score a foot sized insole, but this floating arch support is made to cradle the CVS receipt list of aches that introduce you to body parts you didn’t know you had, or needed. Every day may be a blessing, but it brings a gift of new pain. Surprise! Why should our feet have all the fun when this floatie supports body, mind and sole.A Divorce Attorney — At our age we don’t need a FUNBOY©, we need an EXCELLENT LAWYER© who will knock the wind out of that slowly deflating boo and snag sole custody of the lake house, the dog and, oh fuck it, seventy percent of everything else. KIDDING. We love our boos. Look! She comes with a Jennifer Coolidge themed briefcase.A Good Chiropractor — Less a floatie and more of a question. As in, do you know a good chiropractor?Our Body at Eighteen — Look, all bodies are beautiful, and we celebrate shapes of every size. Especially the shape we were

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in while our thyroids could still shake it like a Polaroid. For only $299.99, you can hold her close for one more afternoon.A Good Probiotic — Again, just asking. What are the girls taking these days? We look like we swallowed that Divorce Attorney.Eggplant parmesan — Honey, flirting with emoji innuendos is super fun and all, but frankly, we’d rather just eat. Food lasts for hours or at least a good fifteen minutes.And no one raises an eyebrow if you pay for it. #SexWorkIsWork, no shade.Speaking of shade, Shade. Our skin has become a bit like a historical fabric, in that it can’t be exposed to too much light and was once touched by Betsey Ross. Suns out, buns out? The only way our freckled fanny can stand the sun is by crawling underneath the nearest floatie for the SPF of polyvinyl chloride. You have to imagine this floatie, but the Shade will run you about$ 250 plus tax. It’s not much to lay on, but honestly neither are we.</article></body>

Over Forty Floaties

Over Forty Floaties

By Lindsey Lanpher

Sequins, Barbies, Claire’s Boutique, everywhere you look it’s #TweenGirlSummer. Loving that for you, but some of us have had our fair share of FUNBOYs and could use a collection that caters to our age…no evolution. Plus #HotFlashSummer over here really needs to take a dip.

A Syringe of Botox — Sure, we’re all supposed to be loving ourselves and not pool-humping the privileged fountain of youth, but surely you have looked in the mirror at least once and longed to subtract those elevens. This floatie has everything: a tube, neurotoxins, the volume of our face in our twenties and a needle for harpooning those puffed-up flamingos. If you lay on it, it just rolls over. Much like us after one and a half tequilas.

An Orthopedic Insole — Any lady can amble over to her nearest pharmacy and score a foot sized insole, but this floating arch support is made to cradle the CVS receipt list of aches that introduce you to body parts you didn’t know you had, or needed. Every day may be a blessing, but it brings a gift of new pain. Surprise! Why should our feet have all the fun when this floatie supports body, mind and sole.

A Divorce Attorney — At our age we don’t need a FUNBOY©, we need an EXCELLENT LAWYER© who will knock the wind out of that slowly deflating boo and snag sole custody of the lake house, the dog and, oh fuck it, seventy percent of everything else. KIDDING. We love our boos. Look! She comes with a Jennifer Coolidge themed briefcase.

A Good Chiropractor — Less a floatie and more of a question. As in, do you know a good chiropractor?

Our Body at Eighteen — Look, all bodies are beautiful, and we celebrate shapes of every size. Especially the shape we were in while our thyroids could still shake it like a Polaroid. For only $299.99, you can hold her close for one more afternoon.

A Good Probiotic — Again, just asking. What are the girls taking these days? We look like we swallowed that Divorce Attorney.

Eggplant parmesan — Honey, flirting with emoji innuendos is super fun and all, but frankly, we’d rather just eat. Food lasts for hours or at least a good fifteen minutes.

And no one raises an eyebrow if you pay for it. #SexWorkIsWork, no shade.

Speaking of shade, Shade. Our skin has become a bit like a historical fabric, in that it can’t be exposed to too much light and was once touched by Betsey Ross. Suns out, buns out? The only way our freckled fanny can stand the sun is by crawling underneath the nearest floatie for the SPF of polyvinyl chloride. You have to imagine this floatie, but the Shade will run you about $250 plus tax. It’s not much to lay on, but honestly neither are we.