I Didn’t Have a Safeword — Turns Out I Needed One

We took things a little too far, and I didn’t know how to pull back

Sometimes you’re with someone who makes you feel so safe, you don’t ever feel the need to protect yourself.

That’s how I feel with my husband. He puts me at ease. I always keep my guard down around him.

But that might have been a bit of a mistake. Because I recently learned I wasn’t entirely prepared for what to do in moments when I don’t feel completely safe and cared for.

I never bothered to establish a safeword, even though I know it’s the right thing to do.

It’s essential for kinky play, where the signs of pain and discomfort might be part of the scene you’re creating with your partner. Wincing, whining, and whimpering aren’t necessarily pleas to stop — they might be signs that you’re getting exactly what you want.

And if you and your partner are into consensual non-consent, words like “no,” “stop,” and “please don’t” could all be part of your roleplay.

Having a safeword lets you pump the brakes when the usual ways of doing it aren’t available to you. When you’ve agreed that the word “stop” doesn’t actually mean “stop,” it makes sense to replace it with “pineapple.”

But even if you’re not into anything that involves pain or roleplay, a safeword is still a good thing to have.

Sex brings out a lot of strong emotions. It sometimes feels like your primal subconscious takes over. When you’re in that state of mind, words can fail you. It can be hard to understand exactly what you feel and why you feel it, which makes it hard to communicate those things to your partner.

That’s why it’s nice to have a word you can just blurt out without much thought. Just something you can say when things start feeling a little weird or uncomfortable but you don’t have the language in that very moment to articulate what it is.

Even though I believe that, I never bothered to establish one. It’s a shame, too, because I really could’ve used a safeword in some of my past relationships.

But with Mr. Austin, I never really felt the need. He’s my protector. He makes me feel completely safe and at ease.

We also know each other’s boundaries like we know our own. And we don’t have any desire to cross them. Neither of us wants to put the other in a difficult place, so his boundaries are mine and mine are his, too.

The problem is that we’ve been dancing around those boundaries a lot lately. And that’s when things got tricky.

Good Sex, Bad Vibe

In recent months, Mr. Austin and I have been experimenting with control play and light bondage.

The results have simply been great. I love the dynamic it creates between us. I want to feel his dominant energy and I feel more aroused when I’m in a submissive place.

I love having him take the lead when we have sex so I can just let go because that’s not something I can do most of the time. I have too many responsibilities and too many decisions to make, so it’s relieving to be able to just shut off my brain and enjoy.

Being submissive for him also lets me immerse myself in the moment. I don’t have to think about anything else. I can just focus on the way his tongue feels on me, on touching myself the way he told me to, or on giving him the best blowjob I can.

I’ve felt safe enough to let him tie me with restraints, ask him to paddle my ass, and to beg him to choke me.

Pushing things in that direction has made our sex life so much better that I kept wondering whether we should be pushing it even further.

If I liked the light bondage, maybe I’d enjoy the heavier stuff.

If I could get off on having his hand over my mouth, around my throat, or pulling hard on my hair, maybe I could reach higher peaks of pleasure by going even rougher.

And if I liked submitting to him, could I find even more satisfaction by having him be even more dominant?

We talked about it a lot. Then one night, we decided to put our money where our mouths are. He would dominate me harder than he ever had before.

I wasn’t ready for it.

A lot of what we did felt right. We ran through a lot of the acts that we normally did. But the tone of the evening was very different.

He told me to stand and put my hands against the wall. I obeyed him and he pulled my pants down. I felt a quick chill as the cold air hit my ass. But I also felt some uncomfortable embarrassment. I wasn’t ready to be exposed so quickly.

I stood pressed against the wall while he rubbed my pussy. I started feeling a little better as I approached my climax.

After I finished tensing from my orgasm, he pushed me down on the bed. “Put your ass up. Keep your head down,” he said in a firm tone.

I obeyed him and I felt his hands on me again. He slapped my ass while rubbing my clit and it felt really good, but something was a little off about the whole thing.

We fucked in several positions, with pounding aggression. He pulled my hair while growling dirty words into my ears. He told me what to do and put my body in whatever configuration he wanted it.

Again, all things we normally did, but something about his attitude turned me off.

Everything had been turned up just a little, but it was too much.

He was a bit rougher and more aggressive than usual. He pinned my wrists to the bed like he was trying to keep me from pulling away, not like he was expecting me to follow his lead and hold them there.

He was very commanding. When he told me to spread my legs and fuck myself with my dildo, it didn’t feel like a suggestion. I felt like I would displease him if I didn’t obey.

And even though he called me a good girl when I did what he told me to do, it didn’t feel like I was being praised. It felt like I had avoided punishment.

It didn’t feel playful. It didn’t feel loving. I didn’t feel taken care of. I didn’t respond to it with gleeful enthusiasm.

It didn’t make me feel wanted. It made me feel like I was there for his enjoyment, not that I was supposed to be enjoying myself along with him.

At one point, I even thought “I might cry after this.”

At times, the dynamic we had created almost made me think he didn’t like me. I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn’t really him. This was a role he was taking on. That I was safe, and that everything would be right back to normal once it was over.

But I also wished I had a simple, easy way to bring it back there.

Pulling Back

I could’ve used a safeword that night because I had some complicated feelings.

The sex was very good. If you can look past the dark tone and the aggressive attitude, I did get some good dicking.

I wanted that to keep going. I wanted his hands on me. I wanted him inside me. I even wanted him to tie me up, smack my ass, and face fuck me a little.

I just wanted it to be fun and playful.

In the moment, I wasn’t sure how to communicate that without interrupting the sex. I didn’t know how to keep everything I wanted out of the experience while getting rid of the fleeting moments that made me uncomfortable.

I never had a safeword because I figured I could just say “no” or “stop.” But that meant I didn’t have a plan for these situations, the ones where I just want him to pull back a little but to keep the action going. I didn’t have an easy way to ask for an adjustment without pausing the show to explain it.

Instead, I just rode the whole thing out and waited until we were done to talk about it.

Thankfully, Mr. Austin felt the same way I did about it. He didn’t feel turned on by taking that more aggressive approach. It didn’t come naturally to him. He said it almost felt like work.

He missed the playfulness. He missed knowing he was giving me a pleasurable experience. And he felt kind of guilty for going to some of those places. He just went to them because he thought I might get off on it.

We experimented and the results came back negative. We pushed past our boundaries and it turns out they’re quite firm.

I’m glad it worked out that way, but it was still dumb to go into it without a safeword. I’m willing to bet most people don’t have one, either. But it’s a good idea to establish one.

Words like “no” and “stop” can be destabilizing. They’re important and useful, but they can really shift the mood. It can be hard to keep things sexy when you have to use words that are so heavy and serious.

And sometimes you don’t have any words for the things that are bothering you.

When I got triggered sexually (that was with my husband, too) I had no idea what was happening to me or why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I couldn’t even completely identify the feeling. I just knew something had taken a wrong turn.

In times like that, having an abstract word instead of an explanation can be helpful.

Vanilla people could learn a lot of great things from the BDSM world. Heavy communication is one. Aftercare is another. And so is having a safeword.

Because most of us have been in those situations, where the sex isn’t kinky and we might even be fucking someone we love and who loves us back, but things just go a bit too far. You’re reading something weird in your partner’s attitude. They’re trying out something that makes you feel compromised instead of excited. Or they just go a little too hard with something you normally enjoy.

At times like that, having a safeword means you don’t have to pause and have a discussion. You can just seamlessly shift back to something that feels better and turns you on more.

Even if you don’t think you’ll ever use it, it’s a good idea to establish. Because those situations can catch you off guard.

Oh, and I have a safeword now by the way. It’s “Bert and Ernie.”

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