I Cloned Joe Duncan and Made Him Eat My Balls

Summary

The article titled "I Cloned Joe Duncan and Made Him Eat My Balls" describes a satirical effort to counter the overabundance of Keanu Reeves content by cloning a prolific writer, Joe Duncan, resulting in a series of humorous and chaotic events.

Abstract

In response to the overwhelming presence of Keanu Reeves-related stories, the author embarks on a whimsical mission to create a countermeasure. With the 'Keanu Reeves Stimulating Stimulator' missing, the author and a team of experts devise a plan to clone Joe Duncan, a notable writer, to combat the so-called "Keanuverse." Due to financial constraints, they settle for cloning multiple smaller-scale versions of Joe Duncan, each with specific roles. The cloning process is a success, leading to an army of Joe Duncans, but the clones eventually rebel, seeking autonomy and escaping, with only a few remaining under control. The article humorously details the challenges of managing the clones and the unintended consequences of their creation.

Opinions

The author expresses a sense of overexposure and fatigue towards the prevalence of Keanu Reeves content, referring to it as a "multitude" that risks taking over popular culture.
There is a tongue-in-cheek critique of the viral nature of internet phenomena, likened to wildfire, and its impact on young and impressionable minds.
The author mockingly refers to the Keanu Reeves Stimulating Stimulator as a serious tool, suggesting a satirical view of the lengths people go to for entertainment and internet engagement.
The Soviet Union's lack of cooperation, due to an inappropriate joke, is humorously cited as a reason for the project's funding issues, poking fun at international relations and stereotypes.
The cloning of Joe Duncan is portrayed with a mix of admiration and absurdity, highlighting the clones' physical perfection and their bizarre abilities, such as consuming cheese balls despite the original's dairy intolerance.
The article takes a humorous stance on the ethical considerations of cloning, particularly in terms of the clones' rights and self-awareness.
The author's opinion on Keanu Reeves shifts from viewing him as a threat to be dismissive of him, especially after Reeves' nonchalant response to the threat posed by the Joe Duncan clones.

The Keanuverse is imploding

The beautiful clone that is Joe. Image courtesy of Joe.

It was one Keanu Reeves story too many. I couldn’t take any more. I needed to fight the multitude of Keanu before they took over the known universe. What began as an in-joke had now spread like wildfire engulfing the innocent minds of the young and impressionable.

We needed to counter the Keanuverse. My ‘Keanu Reeves Stimulating Stimulator’™ (KRSS) was missing in action. It was last seen in a basement being heavily fondled by some whackjob called Eric. It was time for Plan B at the Chateau.

I had enlisted some of the best Keanuverse writing experts in the field. The team of Ryan DeJonghe, Hogan Torah, Jonica Bradley and JM Miana needed a new strategy. The best way to defeat Keanu was to build a giant-sized Joe Duncan to smash the clones to a pulp. Joe’s fisting was faster than a ball-bag in heat. He could punch and swivel in one fluid motion. It was a beautiful sight.

Unfortunately, we didn’t have the lucre to Godzilla size Joe. The Soviets weren’t playing ball with the funding ever since Hogan flashed an errant nipple in an ill-advised attempt at levity. Fuck the Russians. We decided to down-grade and clone that fucker Joe instead.

I can’t reveal how we did it, but the Joe Duncan you all follow isn’t the real Joe Duncan. Shit, he isn’t even the 5th version of Joe Duncan. We were so successful in our cloning that we didn’t stop at one. We built a whole army of Duncan’s. A platoon of seriously hyped-up mega-sex-lords more glorious than any sight I’ve ever seen before or since.

Duncan Three runs the Twitter account. Duncan nine has sole charge of writing. Duncan twelve eats shit all day and Duncan eighteen has gone AWOL. It was hard to keep track of all those beautiful, perfect-bodied Duncans. Each emerging from the womb of the clone machine naked and oiled and bedazzled with a fresh spray of the Bedazzling BeTwitcher™.

A glittering Duncan is a feast for the eyes.

Numbers one and two imploded after we requested they eat a pack of cheese balls. The real Duncan was dairy intolerant and was known to vomit at the sight of cheese. We knew our clones would survive if they managed to not self-implode snacking on someone's cheesy balls.

By the third Duncan, we had a successful formula. Now, all we needed to do was unleash our clones and kidnap the real Duncan.

But first, Keanu Reeves had to die.

That’s when we lost control. The Duncan’s loved themselves. They had so much self-worth and determination they simply refused to kowtow to orders. They questioned everything. They were critical of the cages (except Joe 90, he couldn’t get enough of those chains the kinky bastard), and demanded their freedom from the Chateau’s basement.

Twenty-five clones later and they escaped. We managed to implement the self-destruct recall button on twenty of the Joe-kers, but five remain at large and they aren’t happy.

We kept kinky-Joe for ourselves in the basement.

Be careful out there. Approach with caution and don’t whatever you do, offer him a cheesy snack. He’ll make a mess of your living room.

As for Keanu Reeves, he didn’t take the threat of Joe too seriously. We tried warning him that Joe was programmed to track and destroy all known Keanu’s but he said something about having enough guns and keeping his poochy safe.

Fuck Keanu. I’m on Team Joe.

Big thanks to Joe Duncan for being Joe. More Salsa weirdness can be consumed here:

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