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9 Medieval Secret Remedies That Keanu Reeves Recommends

The best of ancient cures to stay healthy

You’re sick and can’t afford another doctor's appointment. Google has only managed to complicate your illness. Whatever ailments you have, Google suggests death is imminent. That’s no help.

But don’t worry. The Middle Ages had some of the worse diseases imaginable and yet the majority of people survived despite the bad medicine. Or was it really that bad?

Here are 9 of the best remedies that Keanu Reeves would recommend if he knew about them. These are all guaranteed to end your suffering one way or another. Sure, they usually result in premature death, but at least the pain has gone!

1. Powdered Unicorn Horn This was the ultimate cure in the 17th century. A magical elixir that even had the Queen of England indulge. She reputedly paid 10,000 pounds (1.2 million in today’s currency) to get hold of some of this magical dust. If you were lucky to secure genuine powdered unicorn horn then you could live forever. Death was proof that you had been swindled and sold a fake horn. Effectiveness: 10/10 Unfortunately, we were unable to test this method due to the lack of unicorns but have no doubt it would’ve worked on any ailment. Keanu would say: “You have to change your life if you’re not happy, and wake up if things aren’t going the way you want.”
2. The Perpetual Pill A solid pellet made entirely of antimony. It’s recommended you use this pill again and again until you’re cured of constipation or stop breathing. Antimony has the same effect as arsenic but lucky for you, this pill passes right through your system enabling the user to wash off and use it again and again. Effectiveness: 7/10 Our intern, George, who was suffering from chronic fatigue, died peacefully last week. His continual use of the pill saved him from hospital bills and dying penniless. He never suffered from constipation again. Keanu would say: “Every struggle in your life has shaped you into the person you are today. Be thankful for the hard times, they can only make you stronger.”
3. Puppies According to the founder of the Methodist Church, John Wesley, puppies are the cure that every person needs. Apart from making you happy at the touch of soft, huggable balls of fur, holding a puppy against your stomach is also the perfect cure for constipation. Effectiveness: 3/10 This did take our minds momentarily off the inability to poop. Inevitably, the puppies would soon wriggle away leaving our tester racing for them AND the bathroom. Keanu would say: “It wasn’t just a puppy.”
4. The Touch of a Monarch It matters little where a monarch touches you, all you need is to be touched. For sufferers of scrofula (swelling of the lymph glands), a royal hand on the breast, thigh, or groin area accompanied by mild stroking is exactly what you need. It is said, that Edward the Confessor had cured a staggering 1,736 people by his index finger alone. Charles II was even more prolific in the ‘hands-on’ department with over 90,000 sufferers confirming the cure of the ‘king's evil’. It’s only thanks to William of Orange that monarchs no longer touch people. He couldn’t stomach laying a hand on a sickly commoner and dismissed the practice as superstition. Effectiveness: 10/10 A proven cure by thousands of grubby, poorly educated, and stinky peasants. Reportedly no complaints in the 17th century due to the threat of beheading. Whatever! If royalty wants to caress your swollen gland, don’t hesitate! Keanu would say: “Remember, crazy not stupid.”
5. Pigeon Excrement Smeared on Feet This was merely one of several applications that you need to apply in order to cure a stroke. It’s recommended that in conjunction with pigeon shit, forty drops of extract from a man’s skull and hot irons on the feet should also be taken. It failed to save Charles II but don’t let that worry you. Effectiveness: 1/10 This is simple quackery. We don’t recommend this cure especially if you can find a unicorn or a king willing to fondle your privates. Keanu would say: “You ever have that feeling where you’re not sure if you’re awake or still dreaming?”
6. A Large Lettuce Leaf Our testers swear by this method. If the day is hot and you’re suffering a headache due to the heat, then this is the ideal remedy. Sure, water may help or even a sit-down in the shade, but nothing beats a lettuce leaf. First, find a big enough leaf that covers the top of your head. Second, place the leaf on your head and cover it with a hat. And that’s it. Your headache will disappear in no time and you have a handy snack all day long. Effectiveness: 8/10 The lettuce headache cure was so powerful that our testing team took to wearing rotting veggies even when they didn’t have a headache. The smell can be overpowering in the heat of the day, but no further headaches were recorded. Keanu would say: “When you wake up, wipe the slugs off your face. Be ready for a new day!”
7. Fresh Urine Note the word ‘fresh’. Day-old piss is not recommended. Good for athlete’s foot, blisters, and bruises on your feet. Apply your feet in a bowl of steaming hot urine for best results. It’s also recommended to gargle as a mouthwash though this may have mixed results. Effectiveness: 3/10 Unable to deliver fresh urine that was steaming hot, one tester took to being squirted directly in the mouth. They enjoyed the process but were unable to confirm the eradication of blisters. Keanu would say: “Choice, the problem is choice.”
8. Virgin Hanging Seven Wafers Around Neck First discovered by the monks of Glastonbury, wafer hanging is the best cure for warts. If warts aren’t eradicated, then your vessel for hanging wafers clearly isn’t a virgin. Seven wafers only. Effectiveness: 1/10 The team struggled to find quality virgins but assured us that warts dropped off once the wafers were applied. Keanu would say: “I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style. … Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory… lasts forever.”
9. Rashers of Bacon A vest made from bacon and strapped to your ribcage is the ultimate tonic for chest pains. It has to be brown paper with lashings of goose fat. Extra grease to the feet is also recommended. Effectiveness: 6/10 A brilliant and ancient cure. We used cured prosciutto of the foothills of Italy for extra effect. And boy, it was tasty! The addition of goose fat was a popular addition that helped cured chest pains. WARNING: 8/10 testers died within the week. Keanu would say: “When something happens to you that hasn’t happened before, don’t you at least have to find out what it is?”