Blind Admissions

I Can’t Write Serious Stuff

Can you?

I once worked for Cornwall Today Magazine in the UK as a feature writer. I wrote 1000-word pieces on tourist hotspots, restaurants, local events, fishing and agriculture. It was pretty bland stuff, but it was a job.

One morning the editor came up to me and quietly whispered: ‘Can I have a word?’

Minutes later I’m sitting in her office among the bouquets of sweet-smelling flowers sent in by desperate restaurant owners trying to buy a good review.

‘That piece you’ve just finished,’ she said, fingering an article I’d just written on a local oyster farm.

‘Is it OK?’

‘You don’t like oysters, do you?’ she grimaced, as though she’d just swallowed one.

‘As Jonathan Swift said,’ I replied. ‘He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.’

My editor’s eyes narrowed, ‘Yes, I read that bit. A nice hook into the history and culture of oysters. Very good.’

My spirits rose, perhaps I’d been summoned in for a promotion.

‘But was it necessary to describe an oyster as: a miniature sewage farm served on a plate with a glass of champagne.’

‘It was a stab at humour,’ I declared, ‘As well as highlighting all the crap that’s chucked into the river these days. It’s a serious problem.’

‘If you want to write satire, apply for a job with Private Eye — I heard they’re hiring.’

‘Are they?’

‘Look, Philip,’ she continued. ‘Personally, I can’t stand oysters either. I’d rather suck the ink out of this pen than eat one. Unfortunately, some people do. Mainly, the oyster companies and restaurants who pay for the ads in this magazine that keep you and me in a job. So let’s forget the humor and stick to the facts, eh?’

I didn’t get that promotion in the end, and left the magazine soon after to take a job with a big-city ads paper. There, I could lie and make up stuff all day long for double the money.

Truth is, I’ve written a lot of boring stuff over the years about oysters and gourmet pubs, but I’ve also written a lot about the death of my mother, and being packed off to boarding school at an early age.

They were tough times, both physically and emotionally, and I’ve tried to get it down as best I can. But when faced with the hard truth, it’s difficult to be completely honest, and I always have this irresistible urge to make it into a joke.

Not that that’s a bad thing. Some of the finest books are comedies. Think Confederacy of Dunces, Slaughterhouse-5, Candide. Think Shakespeare, think Beckett, think Wilde.

Life is a serious business. But it’s also incredibly funny. And if you’ve ever seen people eat oysters, you’ll know what I mean.

The way they open them, fuss over them, smell them, then slurp them down is one of the funniest things in the world. Even funnier, is when they have to dash to the bathroom when they’ve eaten a bad one.

Slurp, slurp, slurp….

“SHIT!”

What did Jonathan Swift say

He was a bold man that first ate an oyster

How true.

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