I Became My Best Self, and Also a God, Just by Adopting a Morning Routine

It’s amazing what you can accomplish by getting up earlier

Good morning mortal.

Oh wait, you can’t hear me. You are still ensnared in that web of sleep. Dreaming dreams, instead of pursuing them.

I used to be you. I’d slumber until the last possible second every morning. I was deeply unhappy, as you are. I could never find the time to do anything I wanted. Then I read an article claiming all successful people get up early. I decided to give it a try.

Waking up at five in the morning changed my life. Suddenly I had energy that I’d never had before. By seven I’d burned 600 calories, while still managing to eat a delicious, healthy breakfast that I’d made from scratch.

Those golden hours also gave me time to read several articles, which could be maneuvered into conversations later that day. My peers feared my ability to keep up with current events. Feared it, I say.

Did I mention the journaling? I reflected so effectively that I cured all my human insecurities by getting to the root of the causes.

Still, it wasn’t enough. I had a taste of that morning euphoria, but I needed more. Setting my alarm, I prepared to rise at four.

The results were almost orgasmic.

The shower water felt cleaner. I could taste the notes of flesh in my coffee left behind by the hands that had picked the beans. I could smell the success in the sweat of the few other early-risers who were also on their morning runs.

Still, this was not enough. My true potential had not yet been reached. Without hesitation, I set the alarm for three. My family and friends worried when I told them this.

That was to be expected. They were mere 7AM-risers after all.

After getting up at three, I gained superhuman senses and abilities. I can see the dead. Police depend on me to solve cold cases. Girlfriends rely on me to predict which men on Tinder are going to send dick pics.

Now I do not sleep for more than a few hours before popping out of bed at 1AM. There is no more morning or night for me, they all blend together into a beautiful mural of productivity.

I feel light and free. Doctors say it is sleep deprivation. I say they are wrong. I would know. I get up early. I know all.

Sadly, I had to break up with my husband. He could never get to my level, as six was the earliest he could rise. He was saddened by our divorce, but I was above such emotions.

Then the judge took my children, claiming that keeping them from sleeping was child abuse. But he couldn’t see, since he too was a late-riser, that I was just trying to make them better. More like their mother.

For I am basically a deity.

I am amongst the select few who shall cure all diseases. I shall create algorithms that find true love. And I shall finally watch all the seasons of Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, and The Wire.

Thanks for reading! Want more exclusive content? Sign up for Guffaw, my newsletter, to get extra humor, doodles, and announcements delivered straight to your inbox.